Out of the Closet and Into the Light

Love in Action under investigation again

2005-07-14T19:50:00.000-07:00

WVLT VOLUNTEER TV Knoxville, TN

Things that make you go hmmm.

Sabbatical

2005-06-25T07:47:00.000-07:00

As many of you know I'm a soldier in the military. My division is preparing for deployment to Iraq and I have been extremely busy with that and another major project.

I regret that I've not had a lot of time lately to post to this blog. Unfortunately it's not going to get much better any time soon.

Please pray that my division and myself return safely and in one piece.

I will try to post when I can, but I wanted to explain what I've been up to, and why I haven't been responding to comments or posting.

'Gender-bending' chemicals found to 'feminise' boys

2005-05-30T02:06:00.000-07:00

New Scientist Breaking News

This is shocking information and may suggest the environment has way more to do with development then anyone ever imagined.

I mean, the very plastic bottle nipples are made of can interfere with testosterone in baby boys?

“If you see this, you’re very likely to see every other aspect of masculinisation changed too,” says Fred vom Saal, professor of reproductive biology at the University of Missouri-Columbia, US.

I wonder what other aspects of masculinisation Saal may be talking about.

Gay and Straight Men React Differently to Sexual Odors

2005-05-09T20:57:00.000-07:00

NYTimes.com

I'm not sure of the significance of this "discovery" except that it only proves gay men are aroused by the same smells straight women are.

Science continues to make the case that homosexuality is not a choice. But I still believe the behavior is.

But any reasonable person would ask, what kind of God allows someone to be homosexual and then forbids them from exercising their sexuality?

If you are looking for an easy answer... I suggest you look else where. I don't know. Logically I'd say except for the scripture that speaks against sex outside of marriage, and the few scriptures that speak against homosexuality, God probably doesn't really care. But my spirit says otherwise.

I spoke with my ex today. I have such chemistry with that one. I miss his friendship more every time we speak. I probably shouldn't speak with him, but we live states away and there's less than zero chance we'll ever get back together.

But why not? What's the big deal?

Live alone. That's what I gotta do to be right in the eyes of the Church.

I could really care less about the eyes of the Church though. I guess that's not what's motivating me. What is motivating me? Well, circumstance for one thing.

I'm in the Army, about to deploy to Iraq... I'm spent for the next 16 months.

But there are gay guys in the military. I could date one of them. Eh... but I haven't met anyone I like enough.

I don't know.

I'm rambling now.

I guess I'm just not date-able. None of the relationships I've been in have lasted past the six month mark.

I wonder if I'm really destined to be alone intimately.

Awkward Moment

2005-05-05T20:36:00.000-07:00

I was driving home from a friends house today and something interesting happened.

As I approached an intersection with a red light I noticed four or five men at the corner. One guy had a bull horn talking... very loudly... about Jesus. The other guys were holding signs that read, "Jesus Saves" and "Repent".

At first I was uncomfortable. What do I do? Look? Don't look? Nod? Scream, "Amen!"?

This was a busy intersection. There were a lot of stopped cars waiting at the red light.

It was pretty uncomfortable.

But then I realized. This was good. Being uncomfortable because of Christ is a good thing.

I began to nod. I looked. And I thought about how cool it was to know that I'm with these guys.

That's what it's all about.

The Gay Church 5

2005-04-30T09:00:00.000-07:00

Page 11

1 Corinthians 6:9 and 1 Timothy 1:9-10
Read the chapters

1 Corinthians and 1 Timothy 1:10 sound very convincing in including lesbians and gay men in the most dreadful list of depraved human behavior. The fact is that the word translated "homosexual" does not mean homosexual" and the word translated "effeminate" does not mean "effeminate"!

Again, the English word "homosexual" is a composite word made from a Greek term homo, "the same" and a Latin term sexualis, "sex". No Bible before the Revised Standard Version in 1946 used "homosexual" in any Bible translation.

The word translated as "homosexual" or "sexual pervert" or some other similar term is Greek arsenokoites, which was formed from two words meaning "male" and "bed". This word is not found anywhere else in the Bible and has not been found anywhere in the contemporary Greek of Paul's time. We don't know what it means. It is obscure and uncertain. It probably refers to male prostitutes with female customers, which was a common practice in the Roman world, as revealed in excavations at Pompeii and other sites.

"Soft" does not mean effeminate." The word translated for "effeminate" in 1 Corinthians 6:9 is Greek malakoi and means "soft" or "vulnerable." The word is translated as "soft" in reference to clothing in Matthew 11:8 and Luke 7:25 and as "illness" in Matthew 4:23 and 9:35. It is not used anywhere else in the New Testament and carries no hint of reference to sexual orientation. Malakoi in 1 Corinthians 6:9 probably refers to those who are "soft," "pliable," "unreliable," or "without courage or stability."

Page 12

This incorrect rendering of malakoi and arsenokoites as references to gender orientation has been disastrous for millions of gay people. It has turned many gay men and women against the Bible, which holds for them as for all people the good news of God's Love in Christ.

Three of the passages: Genesis 19:5; 1 Corinthians 6:9 and 1 Timothy 1:10 are incorrectly translated. The other tree; Leviticus 18:22; 20:13 and Romans 1:26-27 are taken out of their original setting of condemning idolatrous religious practices and wrongly used to judge and condemn gays and lesbians.

Reference material used for this pamphlet:
Reverent Buddy Truluck, "Homosexuality, not a sickness not a sin"
Dr. Daniel Helminiak, "Homosexuality and the Bible"

(Let's look at this.)

First instruction is to read the chapter. We'll start with 1 Corinthians 6

1 Corinthians 6:1-8 discusses law suits among believers. How it is better to be cheated or be wronged then to bring a law suit against another Christian to judges who have no standing in the Church.

This is off the topic but still interesting. 1 Corinthians 6:3 says, "Do you not know that we will judge angels?" Maybe this is some insight into what our purpose in Heaven will be. I'm just speculating. I mean what good is paradise without some kind of purpose?

Here's some meat and potatoes.

1 Corinthians 6:9

Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived! The sexually immoral, idolaters, adulterers, passive homosexual partners (1), practicing homosexuals (2), thieves, the greedy, drunkards, the verbally abusive, and swindlers will not inherit the kingdom of God. Some of you once lived this way. But you were washed, you were sanctified, you were justified in the name of the Lord Jesus Christ and by the Spirit of our God.

1) This term is sometimes rendered "effeminate," although in contemporary English usage such a translation could be taken to refer to demeanor rather than behavior.

BDAG 613 s.v. malakov" 2 ...

(This is citing Bauer, W. A Greek - English Lexicon of the New Testament and other Early Christian Literature. 3d ed. Revised and edited by F. W. Danker. Chicago and London; University of Chicago Press, 2000)

BDAG 613 s.v. malakov" 2 has pert. to being passive in a same-sex relationship, effeminate esp. of catamites, of men and boys who are sodomized by other males in such a relationship. L&N 88.281 states,...

(This is citing Louw, Hohannes P ., and Eugene Nida, eds. Greek-English Lexicon of the New Testament Based on Semantic Domains. New York, NY: United Bible Societies, 1988)

...the passive male partner in homosexual intercoursehomosexual. As in Greek, a number of other languages also have entirely distinct terms for the active and passive roles in homosexual intercourse. See also the discussion in G. D. Fee, First Corinthians (NICNT), 243-44. A number of modern translations have adopted the phrase male prostitutes for malakoiv in 1 Cor 6:9 (NIV, NRSV, NLT) but this could be misunderstood by the modern reader to mean males who sell their services to women, while the term in question appears, at least in context, to relate to homosexual activity between males. Furthermore, it is far from certain that prostitution as commonly understood (the selling of sexual favors) is specified here, as opposed to a consensual relationship. Thus the translation passive homosexual partners has been used here.

6) On this term BDAG 135 s.v. ajrsenokoivth...

(This is citing Bauer, W. A Greek - English Lexicon of the New Testament and other Early Christian Literature. 3d ed. Revised and edited by F. W. Danker. Chicago and London; University of Chicago Press, 2000)

..." states, a male who engages in sexual activity with a of his own sex, pederast 1 Cor 6:9of one who assumes the dominant role in same-sex activity, opposite malakov"1 Ti 1:10; Pol 5:3. Cp. Ro 1:27. L&N 88.280 states, ...

(This is citing Louw, Hohannes P ., and Eugene Nida, eds. Greek-English Lexicon fo the New Testament Based on Semantic Domains. New York, NY: United Bible Societies, 1988)

...a male partner in homosexual intercoursehomosexual.It is possible that ajrsenokoivth" in certain contexts refers to the active male partner in homosexual intercourse in contrast with malakov", the passive male partner. Since there is a distinction in contemporary usage between sexual orientation and actual behavior, the qualification practicing was supplied in the translation, following the emphasis in BDAG.

(Moving right along...)

1 Corinthians 6:12-20

"All things are lawful for me" - but not everything is beneficial. "All things are lawful for me" - but I will not be controlled by anything. "Food is for the stomach and the stomach is for food, but God will do away with both." (1) The body is not for sexual immorality but for the Lord, and the Lord for the body. Now God indeed raised the Lord and he will raise us by his power. Do you not know that your bodies are members of Christ? Should I take the members of Christ and make them members of a prostitute? Never! Or do you not know that anyone who is united with a prostitute is on body with her? For it is said, "The two will become one flesh." But the on united with the Lord is one spirit with him. Flee sexual immorality! "Every sin a person commits is outside of the body" - but the immoral person sins against his own body. Or do you not know that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit who is in you, whom you have from God, and you are not your own? For you were bought at a price. Therefore glorify God with your body.

1) "Both this [stomach] and these [foods]." (I thought this was interesting because it implies we wont eat in heaven. Jewish tradition says Angels don't eat or sleep. But Christ said - at the last supper - we would eat again... at His Fathers table. Curious but off the subject - sorry.

Now lets look at 1 Timothy 1.

1 Timothy 1:1-2 is a greeting from Paul to Timothy.

1 Timothy 1:3 - 7

As I urged you when I was leaving for Macedonia, stay on in Ephesus to instruct certain people not to spread false teachings, nor to occupy themselves with myths and interminable genealogies. Such things promote useless speculations rather than God's redemptive plan that operates by faith. But the aim or our instruction is love that comes from a pure heart, a good conscience, and a sincere faith. Some have strayed from these and turned away to empty discussion. They want to be teachers of the law, but they do not understand what they are saying or the things they insist on so confidently.

1 Timothy 1:8 - 10

But we know that the law is good if someone uses it legitimately, realizing that law is not intended for a righteous person, but for lawless and rebellious people, for the ungodly and sinners, for the unholy and profane, for those who kill their fathers or mothers, for murderers, sexually immoral people, practicing homosexuals (1), kidnappers, liars, perjurers - in fact, for any who live contrary to sound teaching.

1) On this term BDAG 135 s.v. ajrsenokoivth" states,...

(This is citing Bauer, W. A Greek - English Lexicon of the New Testament and other Early Christian Literature. 3d ed. Revised and edited by F. W. Danker. Chicago and London; University of Chicago Press, 2000)

... a male who engages in sexual activity with a person of his own sex, pederast 1 Cor 6:9of one who assumes the dominant role in same-sex activity, opposite malakov"1 Ti 1:10; Pol 5:3. Cp. Ro 1:27. L&N 88.280 states,...

(This is citing Louw, Hohannes P ., and Eugene Nida, eds. Greek-English Lexicon fo the New Testament Based on Semantic Domains. New York, NY: United Bible Societies, 1988)

... a male partner in homosexual intercoursehomosexual.It is possible that ajrsenokoivth" in certain contexts refers to the active male partner in homosexual intercourse in contrast with malakov", the passive male partner (cf. 1 Cor 6:9). Since there is a distinction in contemporary usage between sexual orientation and actual behavior, the qualification practicing was supplied in the translation, following the emphasis in BDAG.

(Back to Timothy...)

1 Timothy 1:12 - 17

I am grateful to the one who has strengthened me, Christ Jesus our Lord, because he considered me faithful in putting me into ministry, even though I was formerly a blasphemer and a persecutor, and an arrogant man. But I was treated with mercy because I acted ignorantly in unbelief, and our Lord's grace was abundant, bringing faith and love in Christ Jesus. This saying is trustworthy and deserves full acceptance: "Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners" - and am the worst of them! But here is why I was treated with mercy: so that in me as the worst Christ Jesus could demonstrate his utmost patience, as an example for those who are going to believe in him for eternal life. No to the eternal king immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory forever and ever! Amen.

1 Timothy 1:18 - 20

I put this charge before you, Timothy my child, in keeping with the prophecies once spoken about you, in order that with such encouragement you may fight the good fight. To do this you must hold firmly to faith and a good conscience, which some have rejected and so have suffered shipwreck in regard to faith. Among these are Hymenaeus and Alexander, whom I handed over to Satan to be taught not to blaspheme.

I typed all of Timothy because I think the end has an important point that applies to all sinners. But let's get to what the pamphlet says.

It says "homosexual" does not mean what 1 Corinthians and 1 Timothy says "homosexual" means. Nor does "effeminate". But if you look at the meaning of the Greek work ajrsenokoivth and malakov, it's pretty clear these words not only mean homosexual but differentiate between "top" and "bottom".

I simply can't understand the argument the pamphlet makes. That "homo" means the same, and sexualis means sex and that no Bible before the Revised Standard Version in 1946 used "homosexual" in any Bible translation... yet the Greek word used in the original Bible manuscript actually meant passive homosexual and dominant homosexual. My question is what words did they use before that time?

The translator note in my Bible says...

A number of modern translations have adopted the phrase male prostitutes for malakoiv in 1 Cor 6:9 (NIV, NRSV, NLT) but this could be misunderstood by the modern reader to mean males who sell their services to women, while the term in question appears, at least in context, to relate to homosexual activity between males. Furthermore, it is far from certain that prostitution as commonly understood (the selling of sexual favors) is specified here, as opposed to a consensual relationship.

The context of the word is in reference to homosexuality.

But the author of the pamphlet would have us believe that malakoiv and ajrsenokoivth are grossly misinterpreted and actually mean a male prostitute who sells sexual favors to women, and one who is soft, lacking backbone.

The pamphlet says the Greek word malakoiv is means "soft" in reference to clothing in

Matthew 11:8

What did you go out to see? A man dressed in fancy clothes? Look, those who wear fancy clothes are in the homes of kings!

and...

and Luke 7:25

What did you go out to see? A man dressed in fancy (1) clothes? Look, those who wear fancy clothes and live in luxury are in kings courts!

1) or soft see L&N 79.100 (This is citing Louw, Hohannes P ., and Eugene Nida, eds. Greek-English Lexicon fo the New Testament Based on Semantic Domains. New York, NY: United Bible Societies, 1988)

And means "illness" in...

Matthew 4:23
Jesus went throughout all of Galilee, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the gospel of the kingdom, and healing all kinds of disease and sickness among the people.

Matthew 9:35

Then Jesus went throughout all the towns and villages, teaching in their synagogues, preaching the good news of the kingdom, and healing every kind of disease and sickness.

(So the pamphlet would have us believe the infirmed will not inherit the Kingdom of God as opposed to practicing homosexuals?)

You can take what the Bible says at face value. I think God would have us dive in deep to understand what the Word is really teaching. But you can also take the Bible and make it say something that better suits your life. But what ever you do, make sure you bring it before God, and that your heart feels confirmation about you think the word says.

I believe God has a definite idea about homosexuality. For me, it's communicated clearly in the New Testament and the Old. But I am human, subject to error. I can not tell you how to live your life or should I judge you for not having the same ideas as me.

But the 1 Corinthians and 1 Timothy 1 both have interesting points. The body is for God - not sex, and Christ came for all... even the worst of the worst.

The Gay Church 4

2005-04-22T16:50:00.000-07:00

Page 7 continued...

Romans 1:26-27
Read the chapter

This entire chapter refers to idolatrous religious practices that were common in the time of Paul.

Paul's writings have been taken out of context and twisted to punish and oppress every identifiable minority in the world: Jew, children, women, blacks, slaves, politicians, divorced people, convicts, pro-choice people, lesbians, gays, bisexuals, transexuals, religious reformers, the mentally ill, and the list could go on and on and on.

The theme of the first three chapters of Romans is expressed in 1:16: "The gospel is the power of God for spiritual freedom for all who believe."

Paul's gospel is inclusive, as expressed in Galatians 3:28: "There is neither Jew nor Greek, neither slave nor free, neither male nor female; for you are all one in Christ Jesus."

Page 8

Romans 1:26-27 is part of Paul's vigorous denunciation of idolatrous religious worship and rituals. These verses also contain some words used only by Paul. Familiar words are used here in unusual ways. The passage is very difficult to translate. The argument is directed against some form of idolatry that would have been known to Paul's readers.

Verse 25 is clearly a denunciation of idol worship. "For they exchanged the truth of God for a lie and worshiped and served the creature and not the Creator, who is blessed forever. Amen."

Paul wrote Romans from Corinth, the second largest city in the empire and the crossroads of world trade and culture. Pausanius observed at about the same time as Paul that there were over 1,000 religions in Corinth. The most prominent were the fertility cult of Adrodite, worship of Apollo, and the Delphi Oracle, which was across the bay of Corinth. Paul's readers would have been aware of the religious climate from which he wrote Romans and would have understood his letter better than we do.

The word "passions" in 1:26 is the same word used to speak of the suffering and death of Jesus in Acts 1:3 and does not mean what we mean by "passion" today. Eros is the Greek word for romantic love, but eros is never used even once in the New Testament.

"passions" in 1:26 probably refers to the frenzied state of mind that many ancient mystery cults induced in worshipers by means of wind, drugs, and music.

Page 9

We do not know the meaning of "burn" in 1:27; because Paul never used this particular word anywhere else, and it's origin is uncertain. The term "against nature" is also strange here, since exactly the same term is used by Paul in Romans 11:21-24 to speak of God acting "against nature" by including the Gentiles with the Jews in the family of God. "Against nature" was used to speak of something that was not done in the usual way, but did not necessarily mean that it was evil, since God also "acted against nature."

"Committing indecent acts" in 1:27 needs special attention too. The King James Version translates it as "working that which is unseemly". The Greek word is askemonsunun and is formed of the word for "outer appearance" plus the negative particle. It speaks of the inner or hidden part or parts of the individual that are not ordinarily seen or known in public. "Indecent" in I Corinthians 12:23 referred to the parts of the body that remain hidden but are necessary and receive honor. I Corinthians 13:5 used the word to say that love does not behave "indecently."

The word for "indecency" was used to translate Deuteronomy 21:1 into Greek to say that a man could divorce his wife if he "found some indecency in her." The religious teachers argued endlessly about what "some indecency" meant. Some said it was anything that displeased the husband. Others were more strict and said it could only refer to adultery. In Matthew 19:1-12, Jesus commented on Deuteronomy 24:1-4, but he did not define the term.

Page 10

Paul was certainly aware of the variety of ways that the teachers interpreted the word "indecency," and he used it in a variety of ways himself.

If Paul had intended to condemn homosexuals as the worst of all sinners, he certainly had the language skills to do a clearer job of it. The fact is that Paul nowhere condemned or mentioned romantic love and sexual relations between people of the same sex who love each other. Paul never commented on sexual orientation.

Paul clearly taught throughout Romans, Galatians and his other letters that God's freely given and all-inclusive love is for every person on earth. Notice what Paul said about judging others in Romans 2:1: "Therefore you are without excuse, every one of you who passes judgment, for in that you judge another, you condemn yourself; for you who judge practice the same things."

(Okay. Lets look at this.)

This will take some time because there is a lot to cover.

The first instruction the pamphlet makes is to read the entire chapter (Romans 1) and see that Paul is talking about the idolatrous religious practices which were common in that time.

Romans 1:1-7 is basically Paul greeting "all those loved by God in Rome"

Romans 1:8-15 is basically Paul saying he's been praying for the Romans for some time and has longed to visit and preach there but has not been able to do so.

Romans 1:16-17 starts to get meaty and expresses (according the pamphlet) the first three chapters of Romans.

For I am not ashamed of the gospel, for it is God's power for salvation to everyone who believes, to the Jew first and also to the Greek. For the righteousness of God is revealed in the gospel from faith to faith, just as it is written, "The righteous by faith will live."

The next paragraph in the pamphlet somewhat confuses me. It refers to Galatians 3:28 saying Paul's gospel is inclusive.

Galatians 3:28 says...

There is neither Jew nor Greek, there is neither slave nor free, there is neither male nor female - for all of you are one in Christ Jesus.

Paul is talking to the Galatians (who were Gentiles) who seemed to be deviating from the faith. They were focusing on works and not faith... specifically the law. Probably the Jewish law (like circumcision or diet) which conflicted with their own customs.

Galatians 3:28 and the whole point of Galatians 3 is that we are justified and united and adopted into the family of God... by faith in Jesus Christ.

I think that is something everyone on each side of the gay/ex-gay movement needs to remember.

Who am I to say the lady who prays at the gay Church, "Thanks for this Church God, because I am accepted here", who am I to say the lady does not have faith in God? I am no one to say that.

It is God who searches mens' hearts and minds, and I think everyone on both sides of this argument have to remember that. But alas... were debating the morality of homosexuality.

I think there's something to be said for someone who loves God, has faith in God, prays to God, accepts Jesus as His son, yet believes there is nothing wrong with their sexual orientation. I'm not describing myself... but I know there are people out there who fit that bill. Jesus will judge that person... as He will judge me. I'm not the judge nor is any one else.

Okay... back to the topic at hand.

The faith of the Galatians stumbled on works and that is the context of Galatians 3:28.

If it applies to what's in Romans, it applies to those who love God.

The next paragraph goes straight to Romans 1:26-27... but I want to look at the scripture in between first so we are completely clear on context.

Romans 1:18-25

For the wrath of God is revealed from heaven against all ungodliness and unrighteousness of people who suppress the truth by their unrighteousness, because what can be known about God is plain to them, because God has made it plain to them. For since the creation of the world his invisible attributes - his eternal power and divine nature have been clearly seen, because they are understood through what has been made. So people are without excuse. For although they knew God, they did not glorify him as God or give him thanks, but they became futile in their thoughts and their senseless hearts were darkened. Although they claimed to be wise they became fools and exchanged the glory of the immortal God for an image resembling mortal human beings or birds or four-footed animals or reptiles.

(Paul is clearly talking about people who are ungodly and unrighteous because they knew God but did not glorify him as God or give him thanks. They exchanged God for an image resembling mortal human beings, birds or four-footed animals or reptiles.

Paul is talking about idolatry.

The pamphlet says Paul is denunciating idol worship.

So we agree on this point. But there is something here that is not mentioned.

They "exchanged the glory of the immortal God for an image resembling mortal human beings". Speaking as one who struggles with homosexuality, I lust after the male form... an image resembling a perfect - hot - guy.

The same can be said of a straight person who is sex crazed... lusting after the human form.

Could homosexuality be a form of idol worship? To answer that I must ask myself one question. What is more important... my homosexuality, or God?

If God told me not to act on my homosexual feelings... would I obey him?

If I would obey him than the answer of homosexual idolatry would be answered to say that no... it is not an idol I hold before God.

Actually this is really the meat and potatoes of my (personal) struggle. I feel like God is asking me to disobey my natural attraction to men and follow him. The question is will I follow. The answer thus far has been to try... poorly at times (I might add).

If I say my homosexuality is more important than God, and even if he asks me to try and deny myself I wont, then my homosexuality indeed becomes an idol before God and indeed applies to this passage. )

Romans 1:24-25
Therefore God gave them over (1) in the desires of their hearts to impurity, to dishonor (2) their bodies among themselves (3). They (4) exchanged the truth of God for a lie and worshiped and served the creation (5) rather than the Creator, who is blessed forever! Amen.

1) Possible an allusion to Ps 81:12

Psalms 81:12 (God speaking of the Israelites)
I gave them over to their stubborn desires; They did what seemed right to them.

2) The genitive articular infinitive (touatimazesthai, "to dishonor") has been taken as A) an infinitive of purpose; B) an infinitive of result; or C) an epexegetical (i.e., explanatory) infinitive, expanding the precious clause.

3) "among them"

4) "who" The relative prououn was converted to a personal pronoun and , because of the length and complexity of the Greek sentence, a new sentence was started here in the translation.

5) or "creature, created things."

The pamphlet makes the point that this is clearly a denunciation of idol worship, and as I said I agree with that... but again I pose the question... when does homosexuality become an idol we hold before God? It's when we say that our homosexuality is too important to us... it means too much to us... that even if God asked us to denounce it for a lifestyle we wouldn't. That's when.

The more important question is this.

Is God asking me what is more important... Him or homosexuality?

The pamphlet suggests that those on the "gay is wrong" side of the argument misinterpret what Paul is saying... that he's only talking about idolaters.

I agree Paul is talking about idolators. And while idolatry is not something we in today's society think we do all that much of, I say it's practiced just as much today as it was back then... if not more.

Just what constitutes idol worship? As I said twice before... (to me) it's when you put something... anything before God. But let me think a little out side the box.

Someone who would sit in front of a box for hours and hours while clearing their mind except for what vibes they got from the box... would that be idol worship? Cause I spend a lot of time (and so does the rest of America) in front of the TV. In fact... when I skip Church... I'm either watching TV or farting around on the computer.

What about those who put more faith in their bank accounts then they do God?

Or food. How many hours a day do you spend thinking about eating?

Porn.

Holy porno Batman! I struggle with this one. I think it's safe to assume God does not want us filling our minds with images (or videos) of people having hardcore sex. And yet I still struggle with it.

Alcohol... drugs... the list can go on and on.

idolatry is everywhere in today's world and everybody worships something. The difference between today and yesterday is we're not dancing around Golden calves... but we still worship images all the same.

The question keeps coming back to this. Is homosexuality an idol?

I can't answer that for you. But I can for myself.

The pamphlet makes a relentless attack on specific words of the next few verses in an attempt to prove that Paul is not referring to gay people.

Romans 1:26-27

For this reason God gave them over to dishonorable passions. For their women exchanged the natural sexual relations for the unnatural ones (1), and likewise the men also abandoned natural relations with women (2) and were inflamed in their passions (3) for one another. Men (4) committed shameless acts with men and received in themselves the due penalty for their error.

1) "for their females exchanged the natural function for that which is contrary to nature." The term crh'si" (crhsi") has the force of "sexual relations" here.

2) "likewise so also the males abandoning the natural function of the female."

3) "burned with intense desire"

4) "another, men committing... and receiving." continuing the description of their deeds. Because of the length and complexity of the Greek sentence, a new sentence was started here in the translation.

The pamphlet says these verses contain words used only by Paul. Uuuh... yea. It contains words used by Paul.

It further says this passage is very difficult to translate, that Paul is describing a form of idolatry that only Paul's audience (at that time) would have understood.

But this is strictly an interpretation... in my opinion a bad one.

In order to submit to homosexuality as being blessed by God... ordained by God... condoned by God... you must go against nature.

What exactly does that mean?

Each sex, male and female, needs the other in order to procreate. This is very basic stuff. This is natural. The survival of the species depends on this natural combination of gender.

To go against that, is the essence of homosexuality.

That's not to say this does not appeal to some people. Me being one of them. But I have to admit, simple biology says God intended men to be with women. If he intended it another way, we would be genderless... able to pair up with any other genderless being.

But then why do women really turn me off? Why do men really turn me on? Is it because I've got it in my head that God's natural was are offensive and I prefer to be an abomination before Him by burning in dishonorable passions?

Answering these questions are not easy. But the Bible does say all men are born dead in their sin

Romans 5:12
So then, just as sin entered the world through one man and death through sin, and so death spread to all people because all sinned.

But Christ says we are to deny our natural selves.

Luke 9:23
Then he said to them all, "If anyone wants to become my follower, he must deny himself, take up his cross daily, and follow me."

This act of denying ourselves comes about by being born again.

Jesus told Nicodemus in John 3:3, "Unless a person is born from above he cannot see the kingdom of God." He goes on to say in 3:5, "Unless a person is born of water and spirit he cannot enter the kingdom of God. What is born of flesh is flesh and what is born of Spirit is spirit."

Some might say I'm a hypocrite. Here I am denouncing homosexuality... something I had no choice in... something that is very natural to me and has been since childhood. But Christ says I am to deny myself, take up my cross, and follow Christ. (Luke 9:23, Matthew 16:24, & Mark 8:34)

So if I'm a hypocrite... I am one so for the kingdom of heaven and because Christ tells me to.

The pamphlet says there were over 1,000 religions in Corinth at the time... the most prominent were fertility cults. I think it's making the argument that the homosexual acts Paul speaks of were religious fertility practices... not consensual gay sex which is what we are discussing now.

And while this may be the case, though I cannot say, nor am I able to verify the history the pamphlet mentions, what Paul says still applies to life today. If it didn't, Paul would have said so. He was a well spoken, highly educated, man of God. The pamphlet even points out how well spoken he was. If God condoned homosexuality, why does Paul come so harshly against homosexuals who worship idols and participate in fertility rituals without making a clause for the good kind of gays?

I just think there's so much scripture that goes against it... even with in depth interpretation... it's much harder to say homosexuality is okay than it is to say homosexuality is not okay.

But even if homosexuality is not okay, even if it's a sin, God gave us an answer for sin and it's Christ Jesus.

What I'm about to say will probably be upsetting for some people to read but I believe it to be the truth.

I think a practicing homosexual can still make it to heaven.

Depending on your definition of "practicing" I may be considered a practicing homosexual.

One makes it to heaven through repentance and a personal relationship with Christ. Not heterosexuality... or any sexuality for that matter.

The pamphlet says the word "passions" in 1:26 is the same word used to speak of the suffering and death of Jesus in Acts 1:3.

Acts 1:3
To the same apostles also, after his suffering, he presented himself alive with many convincing proofs. He was seen by them over a forty-day period and spoke about matters concerning the kingdom of God.

There is a side note on the word suffering... which is not a translator note... meaning the word means suffering but goes on to say, "After his suffering is a reference to Jesus' crucifixion and the abuse which preceded it." It does not say anything about "passion".

So I can't prove or disprove what the pamphlet says.

But I still thinks it's argument is flawed. No other questionable lifestyle seeks so passionately affirmation from God then does homosexuality. The Gay Church is evidence of that.

I don't need God to tell me my sexuality is okay. I look at the abuse Christ suffered... His "passion" as the pamphlet describes it... and I think to myself... if He can endure that for my sake... I can endure what ever He asks for His... even if it's not to be one "inflamed" in my own passion.

This point is hard to argue because it's not lining up with what I have in my Bible and it doesn't make a lot of sense. Maybe I'm not seeing things correctly.

It further says "Passions" probably means a frenzied state of mind that many ancient mystery cults induced in worshipers by means of wine, drugs, and music.

But if you go by that argument, that "passion" describes the suffering Christ endured... are we to think Jesus was frenzied in the head brought on by wine, drugs, and music when he was crucified on the cross?

Of course not. Jesus was of sound mind when he was crucified, saving mankind by his obedience unto God even unto death.

The pamphlet says we do not know the meaning of the word "burn" in Romans 1:27 because Paul never used this particular word anywhere else and it's origin is uncertain.

I feel like this is a cop out. I guess we are to totally throw out it's clear meaning because Paul only uses the word once and it's origin is "uncertain"?

There is a danger in dismissing what the Bible says simply because there's no way to explain it to mean something else.

In the same paragraph the pamphlet says the term "against nature" is also strange because the exact term was used by Paul in Romans 11:21-24 to speak of God acting "against nature" by including the Gentiles along with the Jews in the family of God.

Let's take a look at that scripture.

Romans 11:21-24

For if God did not spare the natural branches, perhaps he will not spare you. Notice therefore the kindness and harshness of God - harshness toward those who have fallen, but God's kindness toward you, provided you continue in his kindness; otherwise you also will be cut off. And even they - if they do not continue in their unbelief - will be grafted in, for God is able to graft them in again. For if you were cut off from what is by nature a wild olive tree, and grafted, contrary to nature, into a cultivated olive tree, how much more will these natural branches be grafted back into their own olive tree?

I'm thinking the term contrary to nature is what the pamphlet is talking about.

What I need is a Lexicon... a book that goes into great detail about the original words that make up the Bible. They are expensive and it's pretty clear the writers of this pamphlet had access to one.

In any event, Paul is talking figuratively... likening God's inclusion of Gentiles into His family to the grafting of an olive tree.

In Romans 1 Paul is talking literally about what men were doing with men and women doing with women.

I don't think God inclusion of Gentiles into His family can correctly be compared to homosexuality... even if both issues are considered against nature... not that I consider God accepting Gentiles to be against nature... but grafting of different kinds of branches into an olive tree... that could be described as going against nature.

Next the pamphlet tackles the phrase "committing indecent acts". My Bible uses the term dishonorable passions and does not elaborate. The pamphlet says the Greek word is askemonsunun and is formed from the word for "outer appearance" with the negative particle.

I looked up askemonsunun in the Greek to English translator and the Ancient Greek to English translator with no luck. It pulled nothing up both times.

But if I'm to subscribe to what the pamphlet says, (which is that askemonsunun speaks of the inner or hidden part or parts of the individual that are not ordinarily seen or known in public) I have to ask myself what the heck was Paul really talking about?

Paul was well educated. If the pamphlet is right, what Paul says in 1:27 makes no grammatical sense what so ever.

This is another example of the authors negating the words with analytical mumbo jumbo.

Next the pamphlet discusses in great detail the word indencency and makes the argument, indecency is the word Paul, a well spoken highly educated Pharisee, should have used if he were arguing that homosexual behavior was wrong in the eyes of God.

The pamphlet says nowhere did Paul condemn or mention romantic love and sexual relations between people of the same sex who love each other. Nor did he comment on sexual orientation.

I'll buy the orientation argument. No - Paul does not come out and discuss sexual orientation as we understand it today.

But to say Paul doesn't mention romantic love and sexual relations between people of the same sex is absurd. Yes he does. That's what he's talking about in Romans 1:26-27... the very passages we are discussing now.

The final paragraph of this section quotes Romans 2:1

Therefore you are without excuse, whoever you are, when you judge someone else. For on whatever grounds you judge another, you condemn yourself, because you who judge practice the same things.

Indeed there is danger in judgment. Jesus spoke against it and Paul is speaking against it here.

I hope I've made it clear that my purpose in this is not to judge anyone, but rather judge the morality of homosexuality, and the argument the gay Church is making to justify their doctrine.

One scripture that keeps coming into my head is this.

Romans 14:1-4

Now receive the one who is weak in the faith, and do not have disputes over differing opinions. One person believes in eating everything, but the weak person eats only vegetables. The one who eats everything must not despise the one who does not, and the one who abstains must not judge the one who eats everything, for God has accepted him. Who are you to pass judgment on another's servant? Before his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the Lord is able to make him stand.

This scripture is most relevant regarding these issues which we discuss.

Who are you to pass judgment on another's servant? Before his own master he stands or falls.

So to those who are offended by the gay Church... I say get over it. They will personally stand before God as will you. Let God be God and you be you.

In my walk with God, I'm constantly learning new things. I cannot be expected to grasp spiritual concepts in a time frame that is not inline with my own personal walk with God through Jesus Christ.

I think we should focus more on the concrete details of the Gospel, i.e. Christ being the son of God, crucified on the cross, and rose again, and less on the divisive details of sexuality.

Ultimately Jesus will judge us. He will not judge you based on my walk.

I probably wont go back to this Church. But that doesn't mean what they do there is any less important to God than what they do at some other Church elsewhere.

The Gay Church 3

2005-04-19T16:13:00.000-07:00

Page 4 continued...

Leviticus 18:22 and 20:13
Read chapters 18-20

Both of these verses refer to heterosexuals who took part in the baal fertility rituals in order to guarantee good crops and healthy flocks. The word abomination in Leviticus was used for anything that was considered to be religiously unclean or associated with idol worship.

The use of Leviticus to condemn and reject homosexuals is a hypocritical selective use of certain Scriptures against gay and lesbian people. Hardly nobody tries to keep the laws of Leviticus.

In Leviticus 11:1-12 all unclean animals are forbidden as food including rabbits, pigs and shellfish, such as oysters, shrimp, lobsters, crabs, clams and others that are called an "abomination."

Page 5

Leviticus 20:25 demands that you are to make a distinction between clean and unclean animals and between the unclean and clean birds; and you shall not make yourself and abomination by animal or by bird or by anything that creeps on the ground. You can eat some locusts (grasshoppers), but not others.

Leviticus 12:1-8 declares that a woman is unclean for 33 days after giving birth to a boy and for 66 days after giving birth to a girl and demands that certain animals must be offered as a burnt offering and a sin offering for cleansing.

Nobody today who claims to be a Christian tries to keep these laws, and few people even know about them. Why do you think that most people don't know about them? Could it be that it is near impossible to explain why only homosexuals are to keep these laws? Or is it because those who profess that these two scriptures used against the gay community are not what they say they are?

Leviticus 23 gives detailed instructions concerning complete rest on the Sabbath day and demands animal sacrifices to be carried out according to exact instructions. Leviticus 18:19 forbids a husband from having sex with his wife during her menstrual period. Leviticus 19:19 forbids mixed breeding of various kinds of cattle, sowing various kinds of seeds in your field or wearing garments made from two kinds of material mixed together.

Page 6

Leviticus 19:27 demands that you shall not round off the sidegrowth of your heads, nor harm the edges of your beard. The next verse forbids tattoo marks on yourself. Most people do not even know these laws are in the Bible and are demanded EQUALLY from ALL people.

Lets read what Jesus said in Matthew 7:1-5 about hypocrites who judge others. "Do not judge lest you be judged yourself... Why do you look at the speck in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye... You hypocrite!"

Jesus quoted only one passage from Leviticus: "You shall love your neighbor as yourself." (19:18) Jesus used Leviticus to teach love.

Many teachers use Leviticus and other writings in the Bible to condemn, humiliate and destroy people. Jesus never condemned homosexuals or even mentioned sexual orientation.

In Mark 7:18-23, Jesus chided his disciples for their lack of spiritual understanding. The religious leaders had condemned Jesus and his disciples because they did not wash and eat according to the Law.

A lot of Paul's letters are difficult to translate. Since most of his letters were written in response to news from other people, reading Paul can be like listening to one side of a phone conversation.
Page 7

Paul also rejected the absolute commands of Leviticus in Colossians 2:8-23. Read those verses.

Many people have answered the argument that most of the abominations in Leviticus referred to food by saying that the people back then knew that pork was unhealthy, and that is why pigs were declared unclean. If you follow that logic, you would have to declare that anything that is unhealthy to be an abomination.

We know that cigarettes, alcoholic beverages, fat food and many other things are unhealthy, so why aren't that abomination to God and condemned by the Bible literalists? The reason is simple. The use of Leviticus to condemn and reject anyone is impossible to justify in light of the facts.

(Let's look at this.)

This is not the first time the book of Leviticus has been discussed within the words of this blog.

How does a Christian today make sense of what is in this historical book? I say this scratching my head because I'm really drawing a blank.

I think the pamphlet has a good point when it says, "The use of Leviticus to condemn and reject homosexuals is a hypocritical selective use of certain Scriptures against gay and lesbian people."

Another interesting point the pamphlet makes is this. "Most people do not even know these laws are in the Bible and are demanded Equally from ALL people."

Equally from ALL people... under the old covenant.

I believe the Old Testament law was God setting His people apart from other nations. To us much it is none sense. But to them I'm sure the drastic rules clearly set the Israelites apart.

Also, this law was given to Moses directly from God. Is it so purposterous to think God may not like shrimp?

Truth is though I eat shrimp all the time and I don't consider it a sin.

Paul makes it pretty clear though the New Covenant sets us free from "traditional law" which forbids eating certain food. And the pamphlet points that out when it says to read...

Colosians 2:8-23
Be careful not to allow anyone to captivate you through an empty, deceitful philosophy that is according to human traditions and the elemental spirits of the world and not according to Christ.

(I think the pamphlet is implying this scripture proves Paul rejected the absolute commands of Leviticus but I don't see that... at least not here. I think Paul is saying to watch out for human traditions which contradict Christ and teachings from false prophets and leaders.)

2:9 For in him all the fullness of deity lives in bodily form, and you have been filled in him, who is the head over every ruler and authority. In him you also were circumcised - not, however with a circumcision performed by human hands but by the removal of the fleshly body that is through the circumcision done by Christ. Having been buried with him in baptism, you also have been raised with him through your faith in power of God who raised him from the dead.

(I still fail to see how this relates to Leviticus... am I off here? I'm not defending Leviticus here... I'm just saying I don't see how this is Paul's rejection of Leviticus.)

2:13 And even though you were dead in your transgressions and in the uncircumcision of your flesh, he nevertheless made you alive with him, having forgiven all your transgressions. He has destroyed what was against us, a certificate of indebtedness expressed in decrees opposed to us. He has taken it away by nailing it to the cross. Disarming the rulers and authorities, he has made a public disgrace of them, triumphing over them by the cross. Therefore do not let anyone judge you with respect to food or drink, or in the matter of feast, new moon, or Sabbath days - these are only the shadow of the things to come but the reality is Christ!

(Okay I can see how one might thing think this negates Leviticus because Paul says not to "let anyone judge you with respect to food or drink, or in the matter of feast, new moon, or Sabbath days."

I think it's interesting Paul mentions food, circumcision, and the Sabbath in a way which seem to contradict what is in Leviticus, but when he mentions homosexuality (in Romans 1) it appears to affirm what Leviticus says about homosexuality.)

2:18 let no one who delights in humility and the worship of angels pass judgment on you. That person goes on at great lengths about what he has supposedly seen, but he is puffed up with empty notions by his fleshly mind. He has not held fast to the head from whom the whole body supported and knit together through its ligaments and sinews, grows with a growth that is from God. If you have died with Christ to the elemental spirits of the world why do you submit to them as though you lived in the world?

(Elemental spirits... this is the second time Paul mentions them and my Bible gives three possible explanations.

1) the material elements which comprise the physical world... things like carbon and nitrogen.

2) the elementary teaching of the world

3) the elemental spirits of the world... this had to do with spirits which played a role in Gnostic thought... such that spirits controlled the physical world on God's authority and permission

My Bible says 1 is the least likely making 2 or 3 the likely meaning. Paul is saying this is not of Christ.

2:21 "Do not handle! Do not taste! Do not touch!" These are all destined to perish with use founded as they are on human commands and teachings.

(Leviticus, however, is scriptural... not a human tradition or teachings)

2:23 Even though they have the appearance of wisdom with their self-imposed worship and false humility achieved by an unsparing treatment of the body - a wisdom with no true value they in reality result in fleshly indulgence.

(If I am to agree to the pamphlets argument that Paul rejects Levitcal law, then am I to agree that following it results in "fleshly indulgence"? Am I misinterpreting things here?

I hope I'm not trying to be a Biblical philosopher here... I'm trying to feel this pamphlet out. Nor is it my goal to prove the pamphlet wrong. I believe of all the "clobber passages", this one has the strongest argument for their message. Levitical law is not the law we as Christians are under today.

But I don't think Paul negates Leviticus in Colossians as the pamphlet suggests.

One last thing before I end for the night. The pamphlet says, "Jesus never condemned homosexuals or even mentioned sexual orientation."

I'm not sure this is correct. I've spent the past hour looking for a particular scripture that addresses one who cannot marry. I'm not sure if it's Jesus or Paul who mentions it... but I can't find the scripture. If anyone knows what I'm talking about please post what scripture it is as it's driving me nuts. I think many people think it's talking about eunuchs but I took it as someone with a sexual orientation that prevented marriage.

In any event, it's extremely important to remember Levitical law is part of the Old Covenant that no one could live up to. It certainly is unfair to hold homosexuals to Leviticus, and not the rest of the Christian community.

So on this point of the pamphlet I am in agreement.

The Gay Church 2

2005-04-18T18:33:00.000-07:00

Page 3

The six "clobber passages"

There are six passages in the Bible that are used to condemn homosexuality. Let's look at those six passages and see what they really mean.

Genesis 19:5
Read the chapter

They called to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so that we can have sex with them." NIV

Some versions of the Bible interpret this passage as "Bring them out so we may know them."

The word "know" in Genesis 19:5 is Hebrew YADA. It is used 943 times in the Old Testament. To "know" God, good and evil, the truth, the law people, places, things, etc. It is a very flexible word, as many Hebrew words are. In this passage, the word was used to express the request of the people of Sodom that Lot should bring out the strangers in his house so that they could know who they were. Sodom was a tiny fortress in the barren wasteland south of the Dead Sea. The only strangers that the people of Sodom ever way were enemy tribes who wanted to destroy and take over their valuable fortress and the trade routes that it protected. Lot himself was an alien to them.

This "strange request" by the people of Sodom prompted Lot to offer his two daughters to them. If these men of Sodom were homosexual, why would Lot offer his daughters? Because the men of Sodom were no homosexuals. Lot was trying to appease the crowd with his two daughters so they would not hurt or kill his guests.

Page 4

Twisting the story to say what it does not say is to miss what it does say. The story does not deal with sexual orientation or with homosexuality and has no bearing at all on the issue of God's acceptance or rejection of Gays and Lesbians. Instead of offering hospitality to Lot's guests, the men were intent on knowing who they were so they could decide what to do with them. Should they drive them away or kill them?

The story of Sodom clearly teaches that evil and violent people who attack aliens and strangers whom they do not know or understand receive God's punishment.

(Lets look at this.)

First let me say the version of the Bible I read from is called the New English Translation or NET Bible. Check it out here.

I love it because, unlike the King James or NIV, it is an original translation directly from the Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic Scrolls. Specifically, it has translator notes. When ever there is a word in the Scripture that requires expanded interpretation there is a little number by the word accompanied by a note at the bottom of the page.

When I started reading a contemporary original translation with expanded explanations of specific words in the Bible, reading the Word took on a whole new light for me.

I highly recommend this version to anyone who will listen.

Now back to the topic at hand.

Here's what I have in my Bible.

Genesis 19:4

Before they could lie down to sleep (1), all the men-both young and old, from every part of the city of Sodom-surrounded the house. 19:5 They shouted to Lot, "Where are the men who came to you tonight? Bring them out to us so we can have sex (2) with them" 19:6 Lot went outside to them, shutting the door behind him. 19:7 He said, "No, my brothers! Don't act so wickedly(3)! 19:8 Look, I have two daughters who have never had sexual relations with(4) a man, Let me bring them out to you , and you can do to them whatever you please(5). Only don't do anything to these men, for they have come under the protection(6) of my roof(7)" 19:9 "Our of our way!" they cried and This man came to live here as a foreigner(8) and now he dates to judge us(9)! We'll do more harm(10) to you than to them!" They kept pressing in on Lot until they were close enough to break down the door.

Translator Notes

1) The verb sakab means "to lie down; to recline," that is, "to go to bed." Here what appears to be an imperfect is a preterite after the adverb terem. The nuance of potential (perfect) fits well.

2) The Hebrew verb yada, "to know" is used here in the sense of "to lie with" or "to have sex with" (as in Gen 4:1). That this is indeed the meaning is clear from Lot's warning that they not do so wickedly, and his willingness to give them his daughters instead.

Gen 4:1
Now the man had marital relations with his wife Eve, and she became pregnant and gave birth to Cain. Then she said, "I have created a man just as the Lord did!"

There is a side note: The sin of the men of Sodom is debated. The fact that the sin involved a sexual act preclude an association of the sin with inhospitality as is sometimes asserted. The text at a minimum condemns forced sexual intercourse, i.e., rape. Other considerations, though, point to a condemnation of homosexual acts more generally. The narrator emphasized the fact that the men of Sodom wanted to have sex with men: They demand that Lot release the angelic messengers (seen as men) to them for sex, and when Lot offers his daughters as a substitute they refuse them and attempt to take the angelic messengers by force. In addition the wider context of the Pentateuch condemns homosexual acts as sin. Thus a reading of this text within its narrative context, both immediate and broad, condemns not only the attempted rape but also the attempted homosexual act.

3) "may my brothers not act wickedly."

4) "who have not known." Here this expression is a euphemism for sexual intercourse.

5) "according to what is good in your eyes"

6) "shadow"

7) This chapter portrays Lot as a hypocrite. He is well aware of the way the men live in his city and is apparently comfortable in the midst of it. But when confronted by the angels, he finally draws the line. But he is nevertheless willing to sacrifice his daughters' virginity to protect his guests. His opposition to the crowds leads to his rejection as a foreigner by those with whom he had chosen to live. The on who attempted to rescue his visitors ends up having to be rescued by them.

8) "to live as a resident alien."

9) "and he has judged, judging." The infinitive absolute follows the finite verbal form for emphasis. This emphasis is reflected in the translation by the phrase "dares to judge."

10) The verb "to do wickedly is repeated here. It appears that whatever "wickedness" the men of Sodom had intended to do to Lot's visitors - probably nothing short of homosexual rape - they were now ready to inflict on Lot.

Now you see what I see when I really study something in my Bible.

I think it's pretty clear, even without analyzing much of what is said, the men of Sodom wanted more than just "to know" these men.

First of all, if all they wanted was to know them, wouldn't the Angels let them selves be known? I mean if they were sent from God and these Sodomites wanted to know what they were all about why wouldn't the angels just say, "Hey, we were sent by the one true God to get Lot."?

They wouldn't say that because there was an immediate threat. These men were wicked. There were no women... the scripture makes that pretty clear... these men had an agenda and it wasn't murder as the pamphlet would like us to believe.

What the scripture says makes sense to me. These men were driven by lust and the angels were attractive... I dare say they were hot.

In those days when the angels took on physical bodies they had to have been really attractive.

Genesis 6:1 When mankind began to multiply on the face of the earth, and daughters were born to them, the sons of God saw that the daughters of mankind were beautiful. Thus they took wives for themselves from any they chose.

The sons of God were angels, fallen angels to be certain, and they took wives for themselves... from any they chose. The women (sons of man) didn't choose... the angels did.

How is this? My personal theory is that humans have one ultimate downfall... one weakness that can almost always be exploited and it is sexual in nature. I may be in left field here but I think the physical bodies these angels took on were so hot, the women would not... or could not... refuse.

This led to the angelic/human half breeds called the Nephilim... which (I believe) was Satan's second attempt to destroy mankind (the first being in the garden)... an attack by genetic pollution, and the flood which ultimately cleaned the human gene pool and restored humanity as God intended it.

(Sorry to divert here with my thoughts.)

In summation, the men of Sodom wanted one thing. Pure unadulterated gay sex. If what they wanted wasn't sexual in nature Lot, a man who knew, lived with, and ate with the men of this city, would not have offered his daughters in a sexual way to these men.

I don't believe there is any other way to interpret the scripture.

The Gay Church

2005-04-17T17:30:00.000-07:00

I went to a new Church today. My friend Josh told me about it. He found it on the internet when looking for a Church that accepts homosexuals.

All my life I've steered clear of this kind of Church. I've always felt homosexuality was not part of God's plan for me, and a Church that condones it isn't really submitting to God.

So if Josh would have told me his Church was a "gay" Church, I probably would have thankfully declined the invitation. But it was sold as a Church that accepts anyone... including gay people... so I thought I'd check it out.

There were a total of nine people there (including myself) so it wasn't possible to get lost in the crowd... something I'm sort of looking for in my next Church.

Immediately Josh gave me this pamphlet entitled "Christianity and Sexuality... What Does God Really Say About Homosexuality?" and I began to read it. I'll go into the pamphlet a little more more later.

We arrived 30 minutes before the service so we sat in on the little prayer meeting. I have to say I felt a little odd hearing Josh ask for prayer for his partner. But something that people kept saying in their prayers was, "God thank you for this Church, where I am accepted, and I feel comfortable."

I mean I heard that over and over. It made an impression on me.

As service began I got nervous as I noticed the sacraments on the table. All sorts of questions went through my mind... like should I take communion? Would it be a sin?

We worshiped with the help of a CD player and an overhead projector. I sung along and was paying attention to if I'd feel the chills or not. I did... but only for a quick second... which isn't unusual.

But I looked at the others as they worshiped and I noticed... these people were sincere in their worship. They were worshiping in truth and spirit... at least as far as I could tell.

The message was scattered. The guy giving the message went into Hebrews, then to Philippians, then to Revelation and honestly I couldn't tell you what the message was about. The guy sounded like a typical preacher... his inflection going to and fro. He made reference once to his boy friend... whom he loved very much.

Then we did Communion.

I decided it was okay because my heart was right and in the end that's what matters most... what's in our heart... personally... before God.

I couldn't get over how I was supposed to feel about the place. It was distracting.

And now I'm still left a little bit bewildered.

Now lets go back to the pamphlet. For the next week or so I want to dissect this pamphlet and offer it up for discussion. If you have an opinion about what is said, I'd really like to encourage you to share. I'm not saying what is said is right or wrong but I would like to at least explore it's morality in this forum.

Here goes...

Page 1

Interpreting the word Homosexual

Our understanding of sexual orientation as we know it today did not exist 50 years ago, much less when Jesus walked the earth. Only in 1973 did the medical, psychiatric and legal professions begin to recognize homosexuality as an orientation and not a choice, illness or crime.

Bible languages of Hebrew and Greek have no word for homosexual. Old Testament Hebrew is a very primitive language. It is the first step beyond picture writing and is the first alphabetic language.

It originally consisted of only consonants with no vowels written in the text. The Hebrew language had only about a 30,000 word vocabulary. Modern English as over 300,000 words.

One Hebrew word could be used in dozens of different ways, and the meaning was determined by the context. Each word was made up of a 3 letters of the alphabet and usually expressed some form of activity or action.

It is impossible to translate most Hebrew words exactly into modern English. Scholars come as close as they can and do a lot of guessing.

New Testament Greek was much more complex than Hebrew. Greek has a 250,000 word vocabulary and a variety of words developed to express shades of meaning and degrees of feeling.

Page 2

Greek had four different words for love. Greek had many verb forms that do not exist in English. The Greek used in the New Testament is different from classical or modern Greek. For many years, some scholars thought that New Testament Greek was a special language created by the Holy Spirit.

Then, in the late nineteenth century, a collection of manuscripts was discovered from the time of the New Testament. These documents were bills of sale, personal letters, business and news reports that were written in exactly the same kind of Greek that the Bible used.

For the first time, Bible scholars knew and could study the kind of 'everyday' Greek called Koine Greek that was used in the New Testament.

The King James Version was translated in 1611, long before the oldest manuscripts were discovered.

The word homosexual is made up of Greek homo, meaning "the same", and Latin sexualis, from which the English word "sex", is deprived. The word "homosexual" has been in use to refer to people who have sex with others of the same gender for only about 100 years. According to the Merriam-Webster's Collegiate Dictionary, "homosexual" as an adjective was first used in 1892 and as a noun in 1902. The word "homophobia" was first used in 1969. As you can see, the translation of any Bible word as "homosexual" is a mistake.

(This is all I'm going to discuss today)

I just don't buy this idea that each Old Testament mention of homosexuals couldn't have been valid simply because there was no word in the original verbiage of the manuscript that described today's homosexual.

All that being said, I think about this woman who during prayer today, heartfully thanked God for a Church she was accepted in... a Church that didn't condemn her.

Maybe it's okay be not be right about one thing. I mean most Churches are wrong about something.

I think the Catholics are wrong for addressing the priests as "father" and praying to Peter and Mary. Does that mean I think Catholics are going to hell? No.

I'm just uncomfortable with the idea that it's okay to live an unrepentant homosexual life. I'm not sure this Church promotes that. My concern is they intelectualize the Word to mean something it doesn't mean. To make it say something it doesn't.

And that's what I see in the first two pages of this pamphlet.

Spiritual Hotdog

2005-04-15T16:55:00.000-07:00

Last week was the first time in a while I went to Sunday Church. The message was about being spiritually hungry.

Have you ever been starving 15 minutes before dinner? Your mom is like, "Just wait." and you're like, "I need something now!" as you devour a cold hot dog.

That's how the minister described spiritual hunger. You just need some spirituality... right this second. I get that way sometimes... physically and spiritually. (And yes, I've got some cheese hotdogs sittin' in the fridge.)

Hot dogs are good for a quick fix when your physically starved.

But what's the equivalent of a hotdog when your spiritually starved?

I'll be driving down the road and I'll just miss God. I'll feel this feeling like I need Him... need more of Him right then and there.

I make a mental note to be sure and read my Bible and pray that night and usually do.

But I wonder if experiencing that feeling, that spiritual hunger, that holy neediness, I wonder if that's an indication that I'm not feeding myself correctly (spiritually speaking).

But actually, I feel like I've been making some progress. Since I deleted my gay.com account months ago I haven't chatted online... which is a good thing. I also haven't looked at porn in almost two weeks... which isn't saying that much (I know) but that doesn't mean it's been easy... it hasn't.

I don't know.

I definitely want God to see me putting forth effort. But why do I get these bouts of spiritual hunger? I guess other people experience the same thing... or else the preacher wouldn't have mentioned it this past Sunday.

So what do you do to fix it?

Part of me sort of likes it... this realization that I need God... I need Him close.

You can't miss what you never had and I guess the feeling is evidence of Him in my life.

Grateful To Be Alive

2005-04-13T17:45:00.000-07:00

I had this thought today... a sort of self actualization type thing. How amazing it is to be alive! Something made me realize what an awesome opportunity I have to wake up each day and experience life.

And you! If you can read and contemplate what I'm saying... you are alive too! You have a wonderful opportunity to experience life and that's really a miracle.

Just think, if you were never born, you'd never know it, and neither would anyone else cause you simply wouldn't have ever graced earth with your presence.

God created the world in which I live, He created the body that I have (through creation or evolution... or both... who cares?!).

Maybe finding out a dear friend of mine has HIV has me thinking in the clouds a little. In any event I'm grateful to be alive. I'm grateful for my friends and totally grateful for God making it a point to show Himself to me.

HIV

2005-04-09T17:56:00.000-07:00

My ex-boy friend, a close friend of mine, someone I care for deeply, someone I consider to be family, called me today with devastating news.

He probably is HIV positive.

For years he's lived dangerously. Truthfully I thought he may be one of those one in one hundred white males who are immune to HIV infection. All that being said, it still hurts very much to know someone I truly care for, someone I love, is probably going to get sick.

I wonder how God feels about AIDS.

I've heard it said AIDS is God's punishment for the abominate lifestyle a homosexual leads.

I've also heard it said God doesn't punish but there are consequences for our sinful decisions.

But I've read in the Bible otherwise. God reprimands those he loves.

If this is a punishment, it's a punishment for me as much as it is my friend. I can't bear the thought of him going through the rest of his life stigmatized and dying such a horrible death.

Life is dangerous. I could have been hit by a semi in my tiny Toyota driving home this afternoon.

I hate it. I hate death. I hate suffering, pain, and sickness. I'm so fed up with this world and I'd like nothing more than to throw in the towel, fold up the game of life and put it in the closet.

I'm so sad. I'm so deeply sad.

I'd rather go through this myself then watch someone I love face AIDS.

I've been praying since I heard. "Please let this be some mistake. Let that two percent chance the initial test is wrong be applicable here. Please God please."

What is the appropriate way to handle this information? Who do you get angry at? How are you supposed to feel?

I can't fathom a life without my dear friend in it. I talk to him at least once or twice a week... many times more than that. A friendship almost ten years old.

Interaction

2005-04-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

I don't get sick very often... once every other year or so... and hopefully I'm through the worst of diagnosis mono.

On the bright side of things I'm off of work for the rest of the week but to tell you the truth... I'm going stir crazy.

I have a few interesting things to write about.

I saw the movie Constantine this past weekend. If you're not into gory demon ridden Keanu Reeves Matrix wanna-be type movies... I wouldn't suggest seeing it.

But the movie actually affected me spiritually. Satan and Gabriel the Archangel were two characters in the movie.

I always like movies that delve into the spiritual realm... even if it's fiction, when they pull characters from the Bible I always get interested.

Piercing the Darkness by Frank E. Peretti was a great book that told those kinds of stories.

Anyhow... one thing Gabriel said to Contstantine that was just soooo cool was this.

He/she... (I couldn't tell if Gabriel was a boy or a girl and I wonder if angels even have different genders)... Gabriel says to Contstantine, "All man has to do is simply repent to be welcomed into the bosom of the father. It's unfair."

Gabriel was disgruntled and had gone to "the other side" I guess.

It got me thinking about angels, humans, satan, and our place in this universe... a subject which fascinates me.

A third of the angels fell along with satan. Some are locked in Hades as we speak for leaving their place in the heavens and having sex with human women. Jesus's atonement does not apply to them. Nor to any other angelic being for that matter.

Think I'm on crack?

Jude 1:6 You also know that the angels who did not keep within their proper domain but abandoned their own place of residence, he has kept in eternal chains in utter darkness locked up for the judgment of the great Day. 1:7 So also Sodom and Gomorrah and the neighboring towns, since they indulged in sexual immorality and pursued unnatural desire in a way similar to these angels are now displayed as an example by suffering the punishment of eternal fire.

Funny I was in Jude right when I saw this movie.

Okay so how has this helped me spiritually?

What Gabriel said in the movie was dead on right. All man must do... all I must do is repent to be welcomed into my Fathers kingdom.

And I don't want to go down like those angels.

So I've again renewed my commitment to give up porn... an addiction I truly struggle with. I haven't looked at it since I saw the movie Saturday. I'm gonna put the porno-meter back up.

Pray for me... that I stick to it this time.

Next interesting thing is this.

I've said it before and I'll say it again... I love it when God speaks. It's amazing. It gives me strength and motivates me spiritually.

A good friend of my mom's recently was diagnosed with colon cancer.

When I first met this lady I didn't trust or like her very much. But with time she grew on me. Anyhow, two months after her diagnosis, she was in the hospital in critical condition.

My grandmother died of cancer so I am somewhat familiar with the process. It took seven years for the cancer to kill my grandma so I was pretty surprised to see Denese nearing death only two months after her initial diagnosis.

When my mom called me to tell me how sick Denese was she told me to pray because her situation was not getting better.

I left work that day because I myself was feeling pretty sick. I left work around 10:30ish.

On my way home my mind went to Denese and I prayed.

I told God that it looked like Denese was going to die... like God's mind was already made up that He was going to take her. I told that I understood we were put on this earth to interact with God... and what point is it for me to pray for Denese if He had already made up His mind to take her from this earth. I challenged God, to show himself in this situation by making her better. I told Him just like that.

Sometimes I get on these tangents when I pray.

My mind goes elsewhere and I my attention goes with it.

Last night I went to visit my mom and the dog. She said the most interesting thing to me. She was telling me about Denese... how right there before their eyes Denese just turned a corner and started getting better. It was the weirdest thing she ever saw.

Then I got to thinking... so I asked, "Mom, do you remember about what time that happened?"

She thought and then replied, "Around 11 in the morning."

It takes me approximately 45 minutes to get home from work. I prayed this prayer when I was almost home.

I believe the exact minute I challenged God to act... He did! I don't care if it was a coincidence or not. She is better and they are talking about sending her home.

I love it when God interacts. There's nothing like it. Nothing.

Anger

2005-03-28T16:46:00.000-08:00

I saw something on Good Morning America today that gave me some much needed insight into the subject of forgiveness... something I thought I mastered years ago.

I'm still not sure I know what forgiveness truly is but after seeing this story I think I may be on the right track.

It was about this woman who was talking about how close she was with her daughter. That as she grew into a young adult the mother could see her becoming spiritual and how much the daughter meant to her. It was so evident that this mother loved her daughter with everything in her.

One day the daughter was raped and murdered.

Through months of investigation it was discovered the young girls music teacher committed this unspeakable crime. He was convicted of murder and sentenced to life in prison.

The mother said she was consumed with anger and carried it around everywhere she went. It enveloped her. It drove a wedge between her and her other children. It was ruining her life.

What she said really struck a cord with me. I carry anger around with me. It consumes me. I can be trying to go to sleep at night and my mind can wonder to the subject of my father or this guy at work and I can work myself into a heart attack almost.

My dilemma has been how do I forgive? What does it mean? Specifically what about the grief? Does forgiving mean to abandon the feelings about the consequences of what happened? How can I do that? How can I look past the fact that my father was never there? That my mother is now half dead having spent her youth raising three kids on $6.50 and hour?

How can I forgive the guy at work when he continues to sabotage me at every turn? Even when my attempts to befriend him, which seem to work face to face, are clearly ineffective. If I'm to forgive seventy times seven times, am I to make myself a floor mat?

I clearly don't have all the answers. But something this woman said made the issue much easier to approach... at least from my human perspective.

She said she had to forgive this man if she was to continue on this earth.

She said she went to the prison, met with the man face to face, and hugged him. He hugged her back and they both cried.

Okay... that takes guts but here's the kicker.

She continues to visit her daughters grave. She said that she still feels grief, that just because she forgives this man doesn't mean the grief goes away. The grief is a journey and will always be there. But someday she will see her daughter again.

Just because you forgive someone doesn't mean the grief goes away.

I needed to hear that.

You think Christ remembers his crucifixion and doesn't remember the grief. When I concentrate on the cross... I mean really focus on what God and Christ did... the grief can be overwhelming.

The consequences of actions often carry with it strong emotions. Even though many times these are negative emotions I don't think God wants us to forget them or negate them. But it's the anger we hold because of the consequences that we must let go of.

I think the key to forgiveness is releasing the anger.

As I realized this... letting go fo the anger... or forgiveness became impossible. I'm so angry with this guy at work. I'm so angry with my father. Furious... enraged... livid.

I thought, "Lord, how can I forgive? How can I let go of the Anger?"

It dawned on me, the first step of forgiveness may be to ask God for the forgiveness. Not ask God to forgive the person, or to forgive me, but asking God to give me the forgiveness that I can give it to my father. That I can give it to this guy at work.

I thought forgiveness was something I did. It turns out it's something I need to ask God for.

All this time I thought forgiveness was a verb. Turns out it's a noun.

Easter

2005-03-27T09:11:00.000-08:00

Can you imagine what was going through the minds of the disciples this time 2000 years ago? How exciting! It's exciting now!

I'm sure I'd experience some disbelief along with the others. I mean, when your alive, and you ponder all the generations that lived before you, what makes my generation so special that God would send the Messiah, the Messiah spoken of by prophecy, to my generation?

My grandmother told me once that she couldn't understand the disbelief of the disciples when they had Jesus right there with them.

Faith is an amazing force. Even faith absent of of God... towards other beliefs is powerful. It influences behavior. Like the faith atheists have, it dictates their actions. Or the faith one has when flipping a light switch.

By raising Christ's crucified body God has given us, the believer, hope... no more than hope... evidence... of God's existence and promise.

How exciting!

God, I thank You for Your son. I thank You for Your love. Please forgive my egocentric existence and help me focus on You more as You gave everything for me... for Your people... to one day live in harmony with You.

I need prayer.

2005-03-25T19:59:00.000-08:00

I sure wish I didn't have to work Sunday. I want to go to Church so bad. So so bad.

I'm having such a hard time with this situation at work. I just heard of more crap this guy is telling people about me at work. He really has it out for me.

I'm supposed to just ignore it?

My friends think I'm nuts for not playing my card. I think I'm nuts.

Where is God in this? I myself have been walking a piss poor walk spiritually the last few weeks, now all the sudden I'm going to do the right thing?

This has got to come to a stop. I can't live like this.

I need God to act fast.

Please pray for me.

Cool...

2005-03-25T06:34:00.000-08:00

I just came across something kind of cool.

I was reading my Bible, the chapter of 1 Peter 3, and I came across this scripture.

1 Peter 3:9

Do not return evil for evil or insult for insult, but instead bless others because you were called to inherit a blessing.

Cool hu? I just said that yesterday... the part about evil for evil. I guess this is God telling me I'm on the right track.

Peace... I Think

2005-03-24T19:08:00.000-08:00

My mind is fixed on what happened at work today.

I've gotten so mixed up in the wrong crowd, the wrong activities, the wrong behaviors, and now I'm naturally experiencing the downside of it all.

I need to get back in Church, back in the Word, back in the right activities, and things will shape up.

I've turned this whole situation over to God. In so doing, I'm rededicating myself to His will.

It sucks that my whole world has to come crashing in on me to take note of my extreme need for His love and protection. But what ever it takes I guess.

In my line of work, back stabbing is common place. This situation, is nothing. Someone said I do drugs. Big whoop.

Unfortunately my anger is almost uncontrollable. I was so close to calling Immigration today. I pulled up information on the internet, had the INS phone number, his address... I had the destruction of this a-hole's life as he now knows it in my hands.

But something stopped me. I felt like it was wrong. Like I was reacting. Like I hadn't consulted God and I really needed to... that if I didn't... things might get worse.

I had this thought as I left the restaurant tonight, that I would trust that everything would be fine, and I'll live life accordingly. I don't know why but that was comforting to me.

Amendment

2005-03-24T15:48:00.000-08:00

I just called my mom. Thank God for mothers. She prayed with me on the phone.

I'm going to commit this situation in to God's hands.

Repaying evil with evil is not right and I wont do it.

I was wrong to do what I did in the first place.

I feel like this whole situation is either punishment or consequences for going where I know not to go... physically and otherwise. Now I can respond by seeking God or calling INS.

I'll seek God.

Now I just wait.

Revenge

2005-03-24T15:04:00.000-08:00

This situation at work has gotten out of hand.

I'm not sure if I have shared this previously or not but here goes.

Several of the guys I work with are gay. Not something anyone really wants to talk about as we all are in the Army.

One of the guys and myself really don't get along.

I say it's because I'm getting promoted and he's not (though he's been to Iraq and been in twice as long as me) but I'm sure he'd disagree.

Many months ago, while at the club, I took some X. Yea, I know... shame shame.

When things were friendlier between me and this guy I shared that dirty little secret with him. We told each other a lot of stuff actually.

Best dirt I have on him is the fact that his wife, who pays him $5000.00 every year for the marriage, is only married to him for citizenship. They don't live together and haven't for years.

Anyhow, to make a long story short, my boss comes to me today and tells me this guy is telling people in the office that I do X!

WTF???

Would it be evil of me to call INS and dump my dirt on him?

I can think of a lot of reasons other than the fact that he's trying stab me in the back a week before the promotion board to call INS.

1) It's illegal
2) A serious national security risk
3) He's ripping off the government (your tax dollars and mine) by receiving dependency pay from the army
4) He's crapping on the institute of marriage

The list goes on and on.

In any event his vindictiveness has got to stop. I'm not one for revenge so this anger I'm feeling is a bit unnatural for me.

Yes, I know, I should not have done what I did months ago. It wont come out on a drug test now so I'm not that worried.

But for him to stoop this low... I'm dumbfounded.

This isn't the only thing he's done to upset me at work but it sure is the most disturbing.

I'm going to wait until tomorrow before I make my decision but I am this close >< to returning the favor.

I need to cool off.

Back Burner

2005-03-24T10:20:00.000-08:00

I've been swamped with work and moving as of late. I think I've found a place to stay... cheap... but far away from work. The guy seems nice enough. He's also in the Army.

He's holding the room for some guy in France who hasn't sent any money and will accept a check from me on Monday (assuming the French guy fails to "show him the money").

I'll be so happy when life resumes back to normal.

I had a dream about Rick the other night. Rick is my biological father. I don't really remember what happened. But I know it's my brain telling me I need to deal with this.

I guess I should be happy things are so hectic as to avoid that back burner situation.

Where the Heart Is

2005-03-22T04:24:00.000-08:00

I'm in the process of moving. Unfortunately (or fortunately) the lady I was going to move in with changed her mind and now I must find something pretty quick.

Finding a place to live is no small task... especialy when you are trying to rent a room from someone. I'll be deploying sometime in the fall and I'd just like to get everything squared away for that.

My mom is moving in with one of her friends.

Not to offend anyone, but the issue of my sexuality is of paramount concern. The lady I was going to move in with was so enamored with the fact that I'm not straight that (I tell you no lie) she wanted to kiss all the time (just mamma peckers) and touch my butt. I guess her reasoning was because I was not straight this behavior was okay.

Of course I felt uncomfortable and was not too disappointed when she reconsidered.

Some might argue that I keep the issue of sexuality to myself. After all I have no plans of shacking up with anyone or living a wild gay lifestyle... and those are valid points.

But my rebuttal to that is this. I don't typically keep my spirituality secret. It's a part of who I am. As is my sexuality. A detail about myself I prefer to share with those I'm close with and especially someone I'm sharing a home with.

It's a matter of comfort.

I like people to know, I'm gay but I don't think it's God's will I live a gay lifestyle. As much as people may hate to hear me say that, in my heart that's the meat and potatoes of who I am.

So I looked at a room yesterday. The guy was Christian but that was the only thing going for him. The room was furnished with run down furniture and the place was very very small. It's very cheap and close to work. But I can't see myself staying there. Even for free.

Another place significantly farther away is much nicer. Hard wood floors, master bathroom, the guy (according to roommates.com) is okay with a guy (gay or straight) and all the utilities are included. 150 more than this other place but again we're talkin quality of life here.

I'm gonna check it out today.

Pray that I make the right decision.

Out of the Box

2005-03-20T07:28:00.000-08:00

Vomit.

What a colorful word.

I think that's what I've been doing lately. In a literary sense I mean. I've been writing a lot as of late. Blame it on a renewed interest in blogging or a falling away of many of my gay friends.

Don't' get excited... this falling away has not been my doing... or maybe it has depending on how you look at it. Almost every single relationship I have here in this po dunk town has experienced some kind of conflict.

The gay guy at work loathes me. We've had a few conflicts because of work related stuff... which results in personal hang ups and now I'm totally ignored by this guy.

I'm serious, I can think of five people who this has happened to. Actually I can think of a sixth non gay person named Cathy.

I usually wasn't up to anything worth while with any of these people but still.

Anyhow, if there's a problem, I guess after six people, it should be with me. Some kind of character defect.

In any event, I miss my real friends. Being in the Army takes that away from you. I guess you can make other friends... but that's not working out for me.

I long for the days when I can kick it back in my home town. When I can put this whole Army experience behind me. Not that the Army is bad in of itself, just the surroundings.

There are a million Church's over there too.

Sometimes I wear these glasses that only see things my way. I think I need to step out of the box and look at things differently. I feel like that's what my problem is.

Rush... revised

2005-03-18T16:45:00.000-08:00

I think I believe God can see into the future. I wonder if he dictates the future. I mean as far as this age is concerned. I know in the end he will set things straight, but even then will he dictate where the future of that age will go?

During the times of Noah, I God actually experienced regret over creating man kind.

Now we all know how about how He fixed that one and swore He would never send a flood on that scale ever again. (Funny what people think of these days when you mention rainbows.) But that's one example of him dictating the future of mankind.

He certainly interacts... right? I mean my faith is that he does today, but a quick look in the Bible show that God has been interacting with mankind from day one.

I wonder if it's not so much time travel as it is sight travel. Maybe God just looks into the future to figure out what He's going to do today.

I'd like to think God knew 9/11 was coming before it did. After all, He's God. Would it be unreasonable to assume God was sitting at the Table with Osama and the Al Qaida crew? Or at least saw the devastation that just a few hours away?

I wonder.

I'd like to think God was busy in the lives of those who lost loved ones well before 9/11.

In other less philosophical news...

I had dinner with my mom last night. We discussed my father. I told her about the emotions I'm having and some possible outcomes.

I realized though at some point me and my father will talk.

Thinking about it now I may just tell my brother to have him call me.

What a hard phone call that would be to make!

He knows I'm unhappy with him. My brother told him that and that I wanted no contact with him.

For him, knowing that would make placing the initial phone call to me... difficult. Even if I tell my brother to tell him to call.

Just a thought.

I'm not going to rush into anything.

Time to Face the Music

2005-03-16T07:29:00.000-08:00

What if God said, "I forgive you for all the lies, and the sex, and all the drugs and alcohol. I forgive you for each time you turned away and departed from my presence. I forgive you for every sin you are guilty of committing. I forgive you for all that. But I just can't have you in my life."

What if God said that to me?

Sometimes I feel so torn inside. I grow angrier with my father with each second. Why now? What is his purpose in this.

Should I tell him, yea I forgive you, and yea if that means having you in my life then so be it... but I will let the state of Florida know where you are and I will make it a point to have you get even - legally - with my mom and the state of Florida.

Because honestly, that's what I need. I need him to own up to what he's done.

And I don't think forgiving him means letting his legal obligation to my mother and the state of Florida just disappear.

Maybe if I tell him that then he will disappear again. Maybe he will finally face the music. Who really knows?

Honor

2005-03-15T06:33:00.000-08:00

Who needs a father? Except for my sexuality, I've done pretty well for myself without one. Not that I blame my orientation on the lack of a fatherly influence in my life. However I'm sure it didn't help.

Now my biological father is suddenly on the planet and wanting to relate.

My mother confided in me. She said she was hurt that my brother has accepted him with open arms. She would never admit to this openly but even before she told me I knew already knew her feelings. She was most upset about the grandchild. Her first... and his I assume.

I don't need a father. Not at 28 years old having never had one. And specifically, this father. I need him like I need a bullet to the head.

But this annoying quiver of a voice just wont leave me alone. Honor your mother and father. Not honor your father and mother if they deserve it. Not honor your father and mother if they earn it. Honor your parents. So sayeth the Bible.

Okay so now I'm irritated.

Honor the asshole.

Excuse me. Honor my biological father. I'm not calling him dad. I never will. He asked me for that when we met briefly at age 12. I obliged. He spit out lies and left in the middle of the night after I confronted him about helping my mom.

Honor him.

He owes close to $30,000 in back child support. I had the court orders mailed to me last week. I guess he thinks because we're all over 18 that that debt just disappears. But it doesn't.

Maybe I'll extradite him back to Florida (using the bounty hunter on A&E), have him thrown in jail, and get to know him there.

That doesn't sound like honoring him to me. But it sure does sound pleasant. For me at least.

Does this sound like the rantings of one who has forgiven his father?

How many other people have I "forgiven" simply because they are no longer in my life and it's easy to just say, "I forgive them."?

Honor him.

Damn him.

Forgive and Forget

2005-03-14T17:18:00.000-08:00

I struggle with this.

My long lost biological father recently made contact with my brother. After 25 years this dead beat dad wants to be a part of our lives.

For the longest time I made a conscious decision to forgive him. At the time I harbored no ill will towards him. But it's real easy to feel that way when he's no where to be found.

Now my brother tells me about him and I really just don't want to hear it.

How can I forget his lies or his absence? How can I forget him leaving my mom high and dry? How can I forget this man and his hate for my mother? Or his family and their anger towards my mom for him being the way he is. I can't.

I can not forget.

Tell me... what must I do to forgive him?

If I forgive him do I have to talk to him? Do I have to hang out with him? Do I have to call him dad?

Honestly the thought makes me vomit.

If only I could wipe away my memory. How easy would forgiveness be if only I could just forget.

So maybe God does instantly forget our sin the moment we repent. But I don't think it's that easy.

At least not for me and my very linear brain.

Go Daddy

2005-03-13T17:37:00.000-08:00

Thank you GoDaddy.com.

www.OutOfTheClosetAndIntoTheLight.com is now a reality.

Super cheap! I highly recommend them.

Required

2005-03-13T11:43:00.000-08:00

All week I planned on going to Church. But this morning came and went and so did my resolve to return to Living Waters.

According to my sources, Cathy is not supposed to be there next Sunday. Unfortunately I have plans to go dancing that Saturday night which spells certain death on plans for Church the next morning.

My mom says my priorities are all messed up. I'm inclined to agree.

I know I need God. I know I want God... I want Him more... yet I'm lazy. I drag my feet and often don't do what I know I'm supposed to. Why? Is it irony or hypocrisy? I wonder what God will say when an account of my life is made.

Theoretically, if one accepts Christ, they are forgiven. I've heard that when you accept Christ, God forgets your sin. But thinking about that, how many times have I heard the catch phrase, "Forgiving doesn't mean forgetting."

Do you think God forgets our sin's? I mean we can agree forgiving doesn't mean forgetting.

I wonder. I guess it's important to me because I'd like to just forget some my actions/behaviors/incidents/sins... what ever.

But my gut tells me no. He doesn't forget. And there is an account one must give of their whole life. Accepting Christ is paramount to "passing". It's required.

Breaking News!!! Gay.com Account Closed

2005-03-11T15:34:00.000-08:00

On the advice of a wise commenter I just cancelled my gay.com account.

As I thought about it I've gotten myself in to a lot of trouble because of gay.com. I'm not really blaming gay.com... I'm the one responsible for all my decisions. But gay.com was the catalyst to a lot of behavior I regret.

Anyhow... it's a bye bye.

I'm interested to see if it sticks. I can sign back up... but it's certainly not as easy as just login in anymore.

I still sneak peaks at porn. But I still try not to. It's been almost a week.

I say all this because I really want see if it prevents me from using gay.com.

I'll keep you posted on my progress.

In other news...

Is faith a choice? Does what a man believe come from his genes or his spirit? Because I feel like I no more choose what I believe about God and His character then I can change my sexual orientation.

And I assume it's the same for others and their faith... or lack there of.

The Bible says many are called but few are chosen. I wonder if this has anything to do with what I'm talking about.

Nature of the Beast

2005-03-10T15:51:00.000-08:00

For what it's worth I've been reading my Bible regularly and praying every night. I've really felt close to God lately. I love it when I tell him specific things and he answers promptly.

But just when things get good... temptation threatens to drive a wedge between me and progress.

There's this guy I met online... cute... nice bod... really interested in hooking up... any way... he keeps calling and I'd really like to just give in.

But I really enjoy knowing I'm close to God... that He's close to me... and the lines of communication seem to be more open then usual.

Maybe I'm just seeing things that really aren't there.

But I know otherwise.

For now I've decided to not take any more calls from this guy.

I hate admitting all this. To admit that I met some random guy online and am pondering a sexual encounter is somewhat embarrassing. The truth is only a few of you know who I actually am... and none of you know me personally... so here I write.

Anyhow... thats all for now. Work is going well for the most part. One of the gay guys I work with is really having a problem with me. It's probably fair to say I'm having difficulties with him too. The Army can be a funny beast. Especially when it's two gay army guys who don't get along. The dynamic can be hostile.

Oh The Wrongness

2005-03-07T14:28:00.000-08:00

It's when I feel broken, alone, and depressed that I turn back to God. Why is that?

And just when things get good I veer off the narrow path to follow my own interests and end up back where I started.

Someone wrote to me asking why my faith and sexuality must conflict.

Be it biological or emotional... nature or nurture... the fact remains I'm physically attracted to men and repulsed by women. I feel more comfortable in a room full of gay people then I do a room full of straight people.

Does that change the fact that I love God?

I can imagine the same person who wrote to me earlier asking does one have anything to do with the other?

I don't care if people accept me. I don't care if the Church will allow me to worship in there doors or if my gay friends like me or not. It boils down to self acceptance.

I cant accept that God designed me to be intimate with guys.

To change that idea would almost be like lying to myself.

My father is a pathological liar. He believes the lies the tells everyone else. He patiently defends them. Honestly I wouldn't shed a tear if the man died today.

The point is, he's not true to himself.

I believe what I believe because I do. I like pizza because I like it. I could lie to myself and say I don't like pizza... but who am I trying to kid? And what does it matter?

I must be true to myself. I must believe what I know in my heart is true. It's true to me.

Sure it sucks. Yes I feel jipped. Sometimes I'm pissed off at the world... sometimes I'm pissed off at God.

To be honest, sometimes I'm pissed off at Paul.

Read what he writes. He's sexist. Very sexist. I don't care about the social climate of the times. He says women are to keep quiet in Church. He says anyone who, knowing the truth, willfully sins can no longer receive atonement for their sin.

Maybe I'm not going deep enough into what he's saying. I don't know.

But he's the main reason homosexuals have no place in the kingdom of God.

I believe the Bible is God's Word. If it's in there, it's in there because God ordained it, and it is true. If I disagree with something in there... I'm wrong.

I wonder if it's ever appropriate to just be... wrong.

Alone

2005-03-06T16:39:00.000-08:00

Why does being alone suck? What a man will do to avoid loneliness.

I think much of the problem Christians face when walking out of homosexuality is the prospect of a life void of companionship. A life spent... alone.

I'm feeling very alone right now. But not because I've been denying my homosexuality. Truth be told, my Sunday's once spent at Living Waters have been replaced with hangovers from the gay bar.

Save any comments on what I should be doing. I know what I should be doing.

If Satan coordinated this whole thing with Cathy to get me out of Church and back in the gay scene... well... he's bastardly brilliant at accomplishing his mission.

I feel as if my place of worship was ripped out from under me. Now I've retreated to where I have no business being.

All the while I feeling loneliness overtake me.

Ready Or Not

2005-02-13T21:46:00.000-08:00

Immortality is coming. Either God will bring it to us or science will.

This may sound like a far fetched statement, but there are many people much smarter than I talking about it. Some say nanobots will swim through our bodies repairing the wear and tear of normal life. Others say we will download our brains into virtual worlds built in computers.

There's a scripture somewhere in Revelation that says in the end times man will look for death and not find it. (I'm too lazy to look it up right now.)

In any event, I'm not sure I want the ability to live forever unless Christ is here to direct things.

I don't want to live for ever in this gay body.

It's coming though. Ready or not.

I was watching some of the Emmy's tonight. And for some reason I just thought about God watching them too. Sittin on his couch with Gabriel and JC.

Down hear it's so easy to believe that God is far removed from our lives.

I can't believe that though. Our lives, specifically, my life, has to be important to God. And in this day and age... with technology shaping our lives in ways never even imagined 20 years ago... with a war that is getting worse not better (Iran)... where is He? What is He up to?

What does he say to JC during the commercial breaks?

Undeserving

2005-02-09T20:11:00.000-08:00

Ever wonder why Jesus turning a stone into bread would be sin? I don't remember any scripture saying, "Thou shalt not convert stone to bread."

But Satan and Jesus both knew that act would be sin.

Maybe it was the act of self gratification. Maybe it was the act of obeying Satan. Maybe it was some agreement between God and Satan at the beginning of creation that certain rules of physics must be obeyed.

Who knows?

I do know that on the surface, I don't understand why turning stone to bread is sin. Nor do I understand why I struggle with SSA.

Be that as it may... I do.

Had Jesus followed that natural urge to fill his very empty stomach the fate of all human kind would be sealed.

Thankfully, because Jesus proved his deity in the flesh, and paid for my sin with his mortal life, I have some wiggle room. But that wiggle room is a thorn in my side. Literally.

The more I struggle with sin the farther from God I feel and my spiritual growth suffers.

Lately I haven't been growing spiritually. Everything has been about my self... my problems... or someone else.

Really everything should be about God.

I'm grateful that while my personal life resembles steaming feces, my professional life seems to be thriving. God is good. All the time. All the time. (Even when I don't deserve it.) God is good.

Played With Fire

2005-02-09T15:47:00.000-08:00

I'm thinking about this situation with Cathy less... but when I do it still infuriates me.

A bunch of new people came to the Church this weekend. None my age, according to my mother, but a family with a deaf woman... so my mom was real excited. (My mom is real into sign language.)

She will continue going to Living Waters and I'm okay with that.

I was working yesterday and the pastor saw me and honked. His wife called my mom yesterday and I answered the phone. We exchanged friendly hello's.

I guess what I'm getting at is maybe I don't want to leave Living Waters.

But I can't stand the sight of Cathy. I certainly can't stand to hear her lead worship. Maybe I'm out of line, but that girl lies, has sex, drinks... and yea so what... I have been known to do these things... but you wont find me in a leadership position at Church specifically for that reason.

What makes me the most angry is she's got everyone, including her parents, fooled. You look at her and see this innocent, mild manored, angelic girl. But on the inside she lies, uses, and manipulates things such that she gets what ever it is she wants.

Maybe I'm saying this because I got hurt.

But I was definitely thinking these things as I saw them when we were friendly.

I still need time.

This whole thing backfired in my face and now I'm burned. My knee jerk reaction is to hurt back but I realize that would not be good.

Today And Tomorrow

2005-02-05T15:59:00.000-08:00

So I met with the pastor yesterday. The first question as we sat down was... What's going on? He first wanted to know what he had done. Then what his daughter had done.

This puts me in a very bad situation. On one end I don't want to rat Cathy out by getting into detail about what I suspect happened... though I'm still clueless. On the other end I must defend my decision to leave this Church.

To make a very long story short he asked me if he could call her and have her call me. At first I said no. She's a big girl and I don't need or want her forced reconciliation. But he was persistent and I agreed.

Well. She called all right.

She told me I made this whole thing out of nothing. That she was busy, and this was in fact, the first time (in 4 weeks) she had time to call... even though her dad asked her to call me.

She's got school... and work... and every other lame excuse I've heard her throw at other people.

I told her she could have returned my phone call. My many phone calls and text messages.

It was very difficult to get a word in edge wise because she would talk over me. Yell over me I should say.

I was able to get in that I felt like she hadn't put anything into our friendship and she informed me that her time was effort enough. She further told me that she was forced to be friends with me. Otherwise I wouldn't go to Church. She did what she was supposed to do... what she had to do... and then just got busy and couldn't call me back.

The conversation did not end. She just kept screaming at me. I finally said I was finished with this conversation. I'm hanging up the phone. And while she continued to scream at me, I hung up the phone.

I don't care what anyone says. I'm not going to that Church. At this point, feelings of extreme rage and anger flood my mind when I think about her. Seeing her face to face would not be good.

If I ever see her again it will be too soon.

Tomorrow I will begin my quest for a new Church.

Today my quest to find a girl who is compatible with me is over.

Take this Church and shove it.

2005-02-03T20:06:00.000-08:00

For weeks now my phone calls and text messages have been ignored by Cathy. I'm no longer making attempts to communicate with her.

Petty as this may sound, I left my liquid light projector at her house. I stopped by Spencers Gifts today at the mall to price another one. 40 frickin' dollars. "Great" I thought, "This damn girl is going to cost me even more money." As I left the store having not purchased another lamp I just fumed.

How much did I put in to my friendship with her? Financially... probably a thousand bucks or so. Dinner's and lunches here and there, a new Bible, different things... but whatever. I never kept track. I was putting into our friendship.

For her not to return my calls with no apparent rhyme or reason really hurts.

With each step I got more angry. I finally said out loud, "I'm going to go over there and get that damn thing." No sooner did the words come out of my mouth that I noticed Tina, Cathy's roommate, looking me dead square in the eye!

We chit chatted for a minute and I asked if she was going to be home later, that I needed to pick up my lamp. She said 9:30pm. She was friendly to me, gave me her number, and expressed an interest in hanging out.

So I went there at 9:30pm. No phone call... no nothing. There were four cars in the parking lot.

Vision of testosterone seeping jealous college guys kicking my ass danced through my head.

What ever. I rang the door bell.

Duff, Tina's fiance answered the door.

"Can I get my liquid light projector?"

He says, "Oh... yea..." turns around and who walks from out of the kitchen. Cathy. She looks me dead square in the eye, turns, motions where the light is, and turns around and goes back in the kitchen.

No hello, no gesture of recognition, no nothing.

What the hell did I do that was so bad that she's acting like this?

Tina came out and apologized for her behavior. I told her that I'm over it. That I'm not some job she can just no call no show on. Tina volunteered that she was sick of living there. That Cathy has had sex with more guys in the past two weeks, and has all these guys over, and she, Tina, cant stand living there anymore.

This was not shocking information, but it still hurt to hear.

We made abstract plans to go shopping sometime and I left.

Now, I'm supposed to have dinner with Cathy's father, my former pastor. He's going to ask me why I haven't been at Church in five weeks.

I'm going to tell him that Living Waters is not the Church for me.

I can't feel comfortable there. Watching her lead worship, raising her hands like she's some spiritual guru. She would not be there except her parents don't give her a choice.

I don't want to rat Cathy out to her father. But I don't feel like I can worship there.

It's that simple.

Chip On My Shoulder

2005-01-22T23:35:00.000-08:00

For the past 28 years life has had it's way with me. It flew by before I was around and will continue to fly by well after I'm gone.

So what am I doing here? Occupying space I guess.

Occupying space for a period of time.

This thought makes me realize how insignificant I am in the grand scheme of things. Maybe not insignificant to my family, friends, and God... but insignificant none the less to those who will be occupying space and time a thousand years from now.

I'd like not to be. I'd like my existence to influence people generations from now. Like Einstein or Joan of Arc.

Silly dream.

I'm miserable nearly all the time. I'm so angry.

How can my life leave in imprint on this world when I'm crippled with anger all the time?

How can I live in God's will walking around with such a chip on my shoulder?

Right now I'm angry at Cathy. Really angry.

I just know she's going to feed her family some half truth about why we are not talking. And I swear if I get hit over the head with that half truth by her father I will demand her me and her dad discuss the issue in person... together.

I'm getting off the subject.

I'm bad at life. Sometimes it's like I'm intentionally bad at life. I'm always angry, cranky, pissed off. How do I not be? How do I be pleasant? I just don't like who I am.

Friends

2005-01-17T16:07:00.000-08:00

It seems the flood gates have opened for me this weekend.

All this time I've complained that I have no friends here, that I spend my days sitting around the house with little to do. All that changed this weekend.

A friend of mine invited me out this weekend. I accepted, got drunk, made an ass of myself, but still managed to have a good time. So much so that we did it all over again the next night.

That cut in to my Church time, but Church really doesn't appeal to me as it means direct contact with Cathy. Cathy hasn't returned any of my calls or text messages. This is the third week we haven't spoken. My anger about the situation has turned to resentment.

Back to the club.

On my way out of one of my many trips to the bathroom one of the guys I work with, whom I suspected was gay from the get go, walks in. The typical, "What are you doing here?" "What are you doing here?" ensured, followed by my joke, "I just come here for the music."

I knew he was gay.

From what he tells me, everyone at work knows I'm gay too.

Like an idiot, I told one of the girls I worked with, and she told my boss when she transferred to Germany.

But it's a secret, no one talks about it, and so I guess everything is okay.

I'd just deny deny deny any way.

I had so much fun going out. I bonded with Leo (the buddy who originally invited me out). Mac (the guy I work with) and I have a new found friendship. And while I drank way too much, I sure enjoyed the weekend.

Now I feel like my life has swung to the other end of the pendulum. I go from Cathy to my gay friends... and now I have gay friends.

The pastor called me after I didn't show up at Church Sunday. He asked if anything was wrong. I lied. I told him I was just lazy.

I know what will happen if I tell him I'd rather not see his daughter. He'll call her and demand she fix what ever is wrong and she'll try.

But the way I see it... she's 21. I've called her repeatedly. Sent her text messages.

She's embarrassed she got drunk and threw herself at me. And so she'll throw the whole friendship away. Fine. I'm okay with that.

But to watch her leading worship at Church, while we politely ignore each other, has absolutely no appeal to me. And her father forcing her to call me and make amends appeals even less.

So I'm not sure what I'm going to do.

I know I need Church. And avoiding it because of Cathy isn't really a good excuse for missing it.

Having something to do Saturday night Sunday morning doesn't help either.

funny Italian accent "Are you talkin' to me?"

2005-01-11T19:17:00.000-08:00

I'm having a mid blog crisis.

I feel like I'm too negative and the posts lately have drifted from the topic and purpose of the blog.

So I'm trying to figure out how to fix this.

So here's what I've come up with.

I invite you, the reader, to challenge me in any way you see fit. We'll discuss it and go from there.

Cool? Cool.

Roger that. Over and out.

>-(

2005-01-10T18:54:00.000-08:00

I don't have much positive stuff to say.

What else is new?

There was a time in my life, right before graduation, I thought God wanted me to enlist in the Army. I passionately felt that way. I had this huge student loan looming over my head and the Army was all too willing to pay it off.

A year and a half later, I feel like I was tricked into it.

My life is miserable.

The one "friend" I've gotten close to in this God forsaken a** backwards town has not returned my calls or text messages.

I'm in the middle of this interdepartmental war at work where people with less education, less experience, and absolutely no idea of how things work in the real world are passing the buck to the closest soldier... me... and I must keep my mouth shut and accept their ill aimed blame and hate them secretly in my head.

All this anger. I feel like it's cancer that has consumed me from head to toe. From Cathy to my mother, to my office, to my other office, to the Church.

Watching from afar... the life I used to life.

Friends. Family. A low paying job in my field, comfort. Comfort. Comfort. I must say some of the friends I had God probably would have preferred I not have. Some friends I think God was okay with.

But in all it was a comfortable life.

I felt strongly God wanted me to enlist. The main reason being was the experience would catapult me to a place four years later where the world would by my oyster.

Now I'm in the midst of of this Army pissing contest and I'm miserable. I know how to do my job, my work puts the other coworkers work to shame. Not saying there is no talent. There is, but it just seems like I keep getting shit on for things that are beyond my control and not my fault. From all directions. And because of my rank, I must keep my mouth shut and agree, "Ah yes, you are right, I purposely did this so your job could more difficult and yes I did it out of spite."

It's like this in my office... and seems to overflow in my personal life.

Cathy wont return my calls. I can only assume she's got this attitude, "If he wants to talk to me he should just keep calling me."

I don't need this game.

She's one girl at Church... and another girl at home. And finally she's comfortable enough to be snotty and rude to my face without thinking any thing of it.

So I'm sitting here evaluating my life, a life that is stuck in a direction I'm unable to change, a life that is nothing but uncomfortable and lonely and a pain in my rear.

Having two civilians screaming at me, ripping me a new a** hole because a computer I was logged onto got a virus. Naturally it was may fault because I was logged in. Anyone with any kind of computer background knows it is very difficult, near impossible, to trace an original infection to one specific user. But I was looged on when it was discovered... so... what can I say?

I made that point loud and clear, and the IT guy said, "Your right... theres no way of knowing who or when the virus got on the computer... so if I pointed the finger at you.... I'm sorry but blah blah blah. Damage is done. My privileges in that office have been removed. Not just me but all the broadcasters. This makes our already difficult job near impossible. We can no longer use the computers in that office.

I'm a flipping writer and I don't have a computer to write on. How messed up is that?

I gotta sit, bite my lip, while these inexperienced, uneducated angry dip sh*ts peg the whole problem on me and the other broadcasters.

I'm pretty good at maintaining my composure... because that's when the water is just beginning to boil. Give it a little time and my anger becomes a 5 pound block of C5 just waiting to be detonated.

I drive home and think... Cathy hasn't called. Cathy hasn't F*cking called me back. What a friend. What a piss poor immature selfish self centered friend with no time to check up on why I might be troubled.

Either I've made bad decision about the Army... the decision (I thought) God wanted me to make... and here I am... where I'm not supposed to be...or I've made a decision based on what I believed God wanted me to do and here I am, miserable in Gods will.

My pastor once said God is not concerned with our comfort. He's interested in building character.
All I feel is oppressed, ripped away from a comfortable happy life that I can not have back and bewildered.

Where is God? Is he pissed that I struggle with porn? Does he say, "Nick, if you don't get over this I'm washing my hands of you? Maybe that's why my life sucks the lowest bowls of this earth.

I want to say f*ck it. I'm done. Get me out of the Army. I want to go home. I don't care how much trouble will follow me the rest of my life.

Not one friend I've made up here has made it to the "friends I'll keep in touch with for life" status. Not one.

I'm angry.

Priorities

2005-01-09T18:30:00.000-08:00

Normally when I miss Church, Cathy calls me to find out why I wasn't there.

Honestly right now I want to call her and say... WTF?

But I'm not. I'm not going to call her this week. I guess if I do see her again it will be in Church next week. I wont miss it again.

She is well aware that I want to talk to her. I've asked her to call. I've left messages and text messages.

I've been told girls don't like to be in control of relationships. And she's in control. I don't know how to be in control. And it's all to messy for me.

I want someone who will motivate me to follow God. Cathy is the typical college kid doing typical college things. While she is aware of her faith, I don't see her bearing much fruit. Again, I'm not bearing much fruit myself.

It doesn't take Sherlock Holmes to figure out this isn't going any where.

And it makes me sad on so many levels.

I can't do it. It's not in me. This must not be God's will.

How embarrassing!

Okay everyone... see the gay boy try in vain to fall in love with a girl.

It's over.

So this is a new beginning for me.

I spoke with one of the guys who left a comment recently on AIM. He's Jewish. He thinks I aught to be in thereby but I've written off thereby. I guess we've compromised on reading a few books.
Next pay check I'm going to order a book called Treatment for Male Homosexuality: A new Clinical Approach. (I think that's the title any ways).

What harm could come from reading a book? So... I'll get it.

As it stands, I do not believe I can change my sexual orientation. Maybe some books can change my perspective on that.

In any event, my life's work, is not my career. It's not the Army. It's not my relationship with any one person... boy or girl alike.

I believe my life's work is to produce fruit.

So where do I go from here?

Contact with Cathy will be sticky. I don't consider her an enemy. I do think were both realizing that there is no "us". There's not going to be an "us". But are we still friends? I'm sure.

I feel like I'm rambling.

Another thought in my head is like, "Hey... single guys have a lot of expendable income... not having to take care of a wife and kids."

But that is a non issue for me. Family is priceless. No amount of money can buy you family.

Being stuck far away from home with a handfuls of friends that I really don't connect with makes for a very lonely Nick. Honestly, the thought of family, my own family, is always on my mind.

I think I need to focus first on God.

Prayer.
Reading my Bible.
Memorizing scripture

Next focus on my job.
Prepare for promotion
and doing my work to the best of my ability

Finally focus on friends and family.
Establishing strong relationships with the people who matter most to me.

I hope this formula will get me out of this funk.

I called a girl I used to work with at a station in Orlando. She is a Christian and my relationship with her is one I enjoy. She knows all about my situation and offers me such support.

I'm just feeling down. Sad. Embarrassed. Like I failed.

I have so much inside I want to give. So much creativity... So much love. Affection and emotion. This may be something I will keep to myself if no one else is interested.

The only thing I can think is to try to adopt this new priority system - God - Work - Friends & Family.

We'll see how that works.

History Foretold

2005-01-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

There are two possibilities.

1) Cathy is simply not the one.

2) I'm destined to be single.

I think the easy answer is #2. I think the probably answer is also #2. I think the answer I'm most comfortable with is #2.

So I'm giving up on this idea of dating.

I don't know where my life is going.

It's not Cathy's fault. It's nobody's fault. She's not as close to God as I would like and neither am I.

I had this idea that I could end this roll of "me trying to date you" and replacing it with"me being your gay friend". But that doesn't seem right to me. Mostly because of her parents. At some point they will say one of us is a bad influence on the other.

Their daughter hanging out with gay me wouldn't go over pretty well.

I'm just tired of all this. And there are other reasons to consider.

I've tried to keep much of my public life private in this blog. I've done this for several reasons. I have a very public position with the military... one which will take me to Iraq later this year.

And as preparations are made to deploy, my relationship with my mother, Cathy, and my blog must all adapt for the upcoming deployment.

But this year holds much change for me.

I am in the Army. I will be deploying in support of Operation Iraqi Freedom sometime in September. When I return, I will begin the process of separating from the Army and moving back to my home town of Orlando... to work for the station I worked for in College.

Now I'm trying to figure out what my focus should be on.

I'm thinking God needs to be first on the list.
Reading the Bible must be a daily chore.

Establishing relations with my friends and families and how we will communicate when I'm in Iraq.

Fear. Fear is big for me going ahead with all this. Coming back alive would be ideal. Coming back dead would not be the worst scenario either. My biggest fear is coming back scarred or dismembered.

In my line of work, I'm in front of the camera's a lot. This war threatens that.

My biggest fear is of that.

So months before anything is to happen I find myself in a strange place. Cathy is a rollercoaster that makes me sick. A distraction really. A game at which I consistently loose.

Oh, and what about my very strong urge to merge? Gosh if I could just erase that line and make it all go away.

So as the next few months approach my ship date, I feel the need to organize my priorities so I can survive ( hopefully) 12-16 months on foreign soil.

Maybe you guys will have some suggestions.

Rants

2005-01-06T05:14:00.000-08:00

If you were to stumble on this blog, having never seen it before, you might not figure out it's all about a guy who struggles with homosexuality. Why? Because every single post is about Cathy.

My whole day... my whole sense of purpose... is based on what happens with her. If she's being a !@#t than I feel like crap. If she's calls me up and is in to me... I'm on cloud nine.

Why do I feel like my whole identity is wrapped up in this one idea that I have to be with somebody?

Boy or girl?

I guess I feel like it says something about me to society... and there is pressure to live up to that.

Or maybe I'm just horny.

But that wouldn't explain my motivation with Cathy.

What is it?

It's like every atom in my body cries out that I must do something. But what? Do what comes naturally and experiences the ravages of war that brings? Or follow God and experiences the ravages of war that brings?

Why not just surrender?

But to which side? There is no side... it's like I'm in a war and I must choose one side.

I'm not a betting man, but I typically go with the side that I know is going to win. And God winning the war with Satan is foretold.

So it's not like I have much of a choice.

But in all actuality... choice is all it boils down to.

Do I look at porn? Do I masturbate? Do I call Brian? Do I call Cathy? It all comes down do choices and the issue of control. From the mundane to the significant.

I digress.

I sent Cathy a text message yesterday. No response. She must have been busy.

I wanted to post something... but nothing new happened with Cathy... and I looked at the blog and was struck by all the Cathy Cathy Cathy. Yuck.

No gay man wants to read about that.

For the record... Gay men are my desired target audience. I know lots of other people read this... but my goal is to reach out to gay men and let them know God has a place for them too.

So I figured I'd write about something a little bit more spiritual. After a break of about a month or so... I've begun to regularly read my Bible again.

This time I'm doing a chapter of the NT in the morning (or at lunch if I forget) and a chapter of the OT at night.

I'm already feeling it's powerful effects.

I find myself wishing Cathy were again reading her Bible daily. She quite a few weeks after I gave her the new Bible.

You may have noticed the porno-meter's gone. I wasn't keeping it up properly so I thought it should probably be taken down. It was out of laziness more than anything else.

I'll admit it. I've got a problem when it comes to being alone with a computer. If someone were at the house all day... I'd be fine. (I think.)

Got Game

2005-01-04T20:49:00.000-08:00

I think Cathy is menstrual. Or maybe she's just being weird. Maybe she is trying to make me dislike her.

I'm so uncertain. It makes no sense.

She phoned me today... to talk. She called into work... for the umpteenth millionth time... and wanted to know what I was doing. I told her about my day... and towards the end of the conversation I was carrying it.

Don't you hate to carry a conversation? And don't you feel rude if someone calls you... and you end the conversation? So why call someone and make them carry the conversation? She really wasn't responding to anything I was saying. I just don't know.

But then she suggests I come over.

BAM!

I'm there... But so is Tina and her fiancee. They excuse themselves to the bedroom... and finally I get some alone time with her... and she falls asleep! I don't even get to say goodbye.

It seems like this is a game. And... I know... hate the game not the player. But this isn't fun and I will grow tired if it persists.

I wonder if this is normal.

Happy Birthday

2005-01-03T01:09:00.000-08:00

Cathy's birthday gift could be compared to a well thought out strategic move much like a smart commander would make in war.

I wrote the letter Friday and gave it to her in a card after Church today.

The card had a CD in it... with some random music.

I say random... but I mean music that carried specific messages which I hoped she would pick up on.

Here's the play list...

Plumb - Damaged
The Cure - Closer to Me
Tina Turner - What's Love Got to Do With It
The Sugercubes - Hit
Luscious Jackson - Naked Eye
Deep Forest - Enya - Sweet Lullaby
Deep Forest - White Whisper
The Doors - Riders On The Storm
Madonna - The Power of Goodbye
Tori Amos - Spark
Tori Amos - Raspberry Swirl
Tori Amos - Silent All These Years
Tori Amos - Winter
Tori Amos - Bliss
Muppets - Rainbow Connection [Kermit]

Music is awesome. It's a language all its own. I love using it to communicate.

I also wrapped up some blank CD's.

I've been bugging her to copy me some of her favorite music... her usual excuse of not having any blank CD's will no longer work.

Anyhow I gave this stuff to her today.

Here's some history.

Last night I went to her house.

It was me, Cathy, and Tina (Cathy's roommate).

At midnight we (Cathy and I) had a shot of cheap tequila to celebrate her 21st birthday.

Shortly there after we had another shot of everclear. Then we had some Smirnoff's.

Okay... I barely caught a buzz.

She... well... let's just say... she doesn't hold her liquor well.

Next thing I know we somehow migrate to her roommates bed. Cathy pulled me next to her and we were totally laying very very very close to one another.

She pretended to pass out while me and Tina talked.

How do I know she was pretending? Because she was pushing butt into my groin. Was I getting aroused? A very little bit.

Had it been a guy I was attracted to??? SCHWIIIING.

But it wasn't like that with Cathy. I wasn't turned off... but I wasn't turned on either.

I was sort of intrigued.

But whatever... I certainly wasn't going to initiate anything with her drunk. Nope. Then she could decide the next morning it was a mistake... or not even acknowledge it at all. No... if I mess around with her... it would be sober.

Anyhow... it was nice to be close and cuddle like that. I enjoyed it.

But this morning at Church... she conviently didn't remember any of it.

Who knows what's going on in that head of hers?

But I played my hand... like a cold calculated killer.

I just wonder what the results will be.

I spoke with her tonight. I asked if she listened to the CD to which she asked about the last song... Rainbows... was it a reference of some kind? I said I threw that in there cause it reminded me of her... and I wanted to see if she would read into the songs.

She said she read into all the songs.

I said some of the songs weren't meant to be read into.

(Most of them were though.)

She was short with me.

I figure it's because she wants to make it loud and clear that last night was a one time thing.

I haven't brought it up. I'll see how things go.

Besides... I told her I was giving up.

We'll see what she spits out after chewin' on that one for a while.

Dear Cathy,

2005-01-01T08:34:00.000-08:00

Happy Birthday. That's it! You're an adult. You may look 12 but in the eyes of the law you're 21. Congrats. I wish you all the best in the rest of your adult years.

I've been thinking about our conversation Thursday. I want to take it all back. It was silly to suggest doing a devotional.

I thought it might be a good opportunity to grow closer and learn about God. Who wouldn't want to be close to you? Your beauty and warm personality would trap any guy. Even a gay guy.

But after much thought and consideration I just think it's better if I forget about it. It's clear that you've got a lot going on and for me... I'm trying to be something I'm not.

I appreciate your willingness to be friends and spend time with me. I hope that can continue. But I want you to know I'm not going to force anything. Not that I was trying to force anything before... I was just attracted to something about you.

Anyways... Again Happy Birthday.

Nick

Issues

2004-12-31T08:49:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago I went on a week long work related trip. All the people I worked with had to go. It was mandatory. On the last night our superiors had slipped away, as they had the previous nights, and started drinking. Although it wasn't like they were throwing it in our faces... we all knew what was going on.

So I came up with this brilliant idea. Let's get some Goldschlager and drink ourselves.

Okay... not the brightest idea I've ever come up with but we had fun none the less.

Well... I had way more to drink than I should have and apparently was having trouble walking.

My superiors eventually came down from their hiding spot ready to cause trouble. They pulled one of my coworkers crap out of his tent and threw it in a puddle.

All in good fun mind you... or at least good fun in their minds.

Naturally the recipient of their fun got pissed off and consequently relayed the fact that everyone, except himself, was drunk to the big big boss.

The big big boss chewed the superiors a new @#$% hole and everyone came this close to getting in some serious trouble.

Well, it was no secret that I was the most intoxicated out of everyone and so the next morning, at the butt crack of dawn, I was sent to the other office to start on my work... away from everyone and especially the big big boss.

That night I returned home.

I don't remember exactly what happened, but my mom and I got into a fight and I stormed out of the house.

She called the pastor and told him everything.

Why? I don't know.

She says she was worried about me.

I say bull shit.

And so, it went from the pastor, to his wife, to her daughter (Cathy's sister) to her husband... "Oh but don't tell Cathy."

Well, the ironic thing is, Cathy already knew. I told her almost immediately after it had happened. I wasn't trying to fess up to anything or act ashamed... It was just something I brought up when we spoke.

I guess Cathy's family didn't think she knew about that side of me.

I say side... but I mean... my humanity... my struggles... my faults... of which Cathy has plenty... but some things parents just don't need to know about.

So Rachel, Cathy's sister, says to her, "I don't think Nick is completely over his past." Rachel's husband pipes up, "Oh Rachel, you're not supposed to tell her!"

And thus the great rumor which has seeped it's way from my mothers gossipy lips through all the players of Cathy's family, is now known to everyone.... except me.

But it didn't take long for Cathy to tell me, and yea, I got upset.

It wasn't a secret. I couldn't care less who knew about the incident.

Somehow, the rumor mill changed the fact that I was sent to the office to being sent home, but whatever.

So I pick up mom from the Airport yesterday. After 30 minutes or so, during the ride home, I brought the issue up. I wasn't angry with her... I wasn't confrontational... I simply said you need to be careful what you tell the pastor... because when it concerns his daughter... it becomes personal.

But my mom flew off the handle.

"I told him that in confidence! I'm going to confront him! I can't go to that Church anymore! He swore to me that was between us! Blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah."

So when I got home, I called Cathy, left a message, and she called me back. I told her everything and she was not happy with me... or my mom.

I was not supposed to say anything. My mom always threatens to leave the Church when ever something goes awry. Her father doesn't even know Rachel knows.

This is such a mess.

I suggested that we all, (players in this theater) sit down and discus it. In person.

She didn't like that idea. This weekend is her birthday and she doesn't want it scared with this incident.

So I said we should pray about it.

Even though she was not happy about what I was telling her, our conversation was going well. We were joking with each other... and just relating as we always do.

(One of the reasons I love talking to her.)

I also brought up the idea of us doing a weekly devotional together.

BAD IDEA.

She did not like the sound of that and flat out threw the subject of courting right out in the open. She doesn't have time... and she doesn't know about dating a guy like me... gay issues and all that... blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah blah.

I simply responded... I'm just open to what ever God has in store.

She likewise said... I too am open to what ever God has ahead.

So I closed our conversation by asking her to pray with me. This was the first time I had ever attempted to pray with her. She opted to remain silent and let me do all the talking.

I prayed about the situation with our parents and the possibility of doing a weekly devotional.

We hung up... and I went to bed.

The next day, I can't help but be angry with my gossiping melo dramatic mother who has twisted this whole situation around to being about her... and her issues... "What else has he told people about me???" "I hate men!"

No one on this earth can make me angrier than that woman.

And yet I love her with all my heart.

Uugh.

The L Word

2004-12-29T07:22:00.000-08:00

The traffic to this site has gone down dramatically. I'm sure this is a result of my lack of daily posts. My apologies.

How many times can I say, "I hate being gay" before it gets old?

Well there is some news to report.

First I'd like to comment on the comments to my last post. One guy says something to the effect of...

Don't get married to Cathy if there is even the slightest chance you could leave her for another man. The devastation that will cause her and her family would be comparable to a tsunami.

While I respect what this guy has to say, I personally think it's a rather naive comment. How can I say what the future will bring? For her or for me. Can I say I'll never be tempted? No. Can I say I wont fall into temptation? No, I can't say that either.

I could say it. Words are cheap. But deep down I can never know until I've actually walked those steps.

Cathy and I have been spending a lot of time together. I dare say we've even become more physical with each other. When I say that, I'm talking about sitting close to one another... playing around (hitting each other with pillows) that kind of thing.

I'm becoming comfortable with her. I enjoy what our friendship has become and I'm excited about where it's going.

Will my attraction to men stop just because I have this friendship going with Cathy? No.

But I believe God is showing me that I can have a meaningful relationship with her... even a future... if I trust him and live accordingly.

I'm finding that as our friendship progresses, I need to exercise faith that it will go further. Avoiding gay.com... porn... and chasing the eluding gay sex dreams.

As I do this... Cathy and I seem to be getting closer... which is what I want.

We talked last night about what I'm trying to do. She told me she was concerned about me checking out the same guy as my wife. (We talk in abstracts... but really we're talking about ourselves.)

I told her I hoped my wife wasn't checking out other guys but that I would need my wife to be there as the ultimate accountability partner... my crutch almost. Someone who would be with me, and understand my struggle, and live life accordingly.

There is some fear, deep inside me, about being intimate with a woman. I can't tell you it's origin or even if it will ever go away. But I wonder what would happen if I just faced it... head on.

Would I learn to enjoy sex with a woman? Could I? Maybe.

I think it boils down to faith.

Would God be bringing me down this road if it were not his will?

Does that mean I will never fall? No. Am I planning on falling? No.

Crystal Lewis says in one of her songs, "Sometimes the thrill of soaring only begins with the fear of falling."

I love that.

I love Cathy. I haven't told her that... but in my heart I know it. I get such an emotional high when she calls me. When I see evidence that she likes me and wants to hang out... even after everything I've dumped on her... it makes me feel like I have a purpose.

All this time I thought God only had a purpose for me when it came down to my career.

But this is bigger than my career.

All of you who read this can analyze and scrutinize all you want. Gay's cant change. You will hurt her. You are living a lie. Some may even say... go for it. I welcome what you have to say.

But this is something I'm slowly accepting as God's will for me. I have no idea where it will end up... but I do have an idea where it's going... and I'm willing to trade sex with men for the package I'll get with Cathy.

I love her family... I love her sense of humor... I love being around her... and I'm not just saying this because I don't want to be gay.

What I'm telling you is the truth.

A man will do funny things for love.

Love covers a multitude of sin.

Love.

Love.

Fuel to the Fire

2004-12-22T06:40:00.000-08:00

For the past few weeks I've tried to pretend this site doesn't exist. I've tried to pretend my issues weren't issues at all. I've tried to play two opposite roles in the hopes nobody would notice.

I haven't read my Bible much and my spirituality for the most part has taken the back burner.

It's a spiritual battle. The more I slip into old behaviors, the more serious things with Cathy seem to appear.

Lately I've been spending a lot of time with her. Not just her though... her family too. In fact, because my mom went to Florida, and it's just me and my dog Shadrack, Cathy invited me to spend Christmas dinner with her and her family.

About a week ago I was at a department store. The lines were not as crazy as one would expect for this time of year. As I waited for the people in front of me to pay I noticed a guy behind me. He had on a black leather jacket and blond hair.

I recognized him... without even seeing his face.

He was the same guy I saw two months earlier at the Chinese buffet. The same guy who made eye contact more times than I could count. He was the same hot guy who made it a point to pay for the bill when I paid for mine.

It WAS the same guy behind me in line and I was getting aroused.

I noticed in my peripheral vision he was trying to make eye contact. So I looked at him and smiled. He smiled back.

He was a biker guy... short, blond, tattoos, leather jacket, black boots... NOT the kind of guy I would ever go for but something really had me going nuts.

Maybe it was because he was so clearly flirting. I don't know.

Suddenly it was my turn with the cashier.

I said hello and handed her the toilet paper and shaving cream. Trying to make conversation I asked if it had been crazy with the holiday season an all.

I didn't pay attention to her answer. I did pay attention to the mystery guy making his way into our conversation.

My heart was a flutter.

He piped up about how traffic was nuts. How it took him ten minutes to drive from here to there.

In my mind I was screaming, "HOW DO I HANDLE THIS???!!!"

I made small talk with him. I noticed his fingers (which I always first make note of on someone I like... don't really know why.)

Then it was time for me to leave. We both looked at each other. I said, "Good luck." grabbed my bag and walked off.

I made my way to the barber shop and took a number. Then he passed. We looked at each other again. And he walked on.

That was it.

I've been to the same department store several times since then.

The whole time this is going on, Cathy has clearly gotten serious about her walk with God. She seems to be really interested in me as well.

And I'm left with this really serious decision.

I had a dream last night.

Cathy and I were being affectionate with each other. I kissed her. I was comfortable with her... we embraced a lot in this dream.

I feel like I'm being ripped apart... pulled in two different directions. I can have this life that I really want... but then there is this other life that wants me too.

Clearly, you - the reader, can see, from my description of the mystery guy, what my feelings are.

But I really want a family too. Not just a family... Cathy's family. I love her family. Her parents... her sister and brother in-law... and Cathy. My relationship with her is unlike most of the relationships I've had with any girl. I'm brutally honest with her and she's pretty honest with me too.

I could tell her about all this... but I need to make my decision first.

What is it going to take to make a relationship work with her?

No porn.
No masturbation.
No alcohol.
No pot.

Am I capable of giving all that stuff up? I haven't been able to thus far. What makes me think I can do it now?

Ignoring the issue doesn't make it go away. In fact it only seems to add fuel to the fire.

It's so easy for someone to say... just don't. Just don't see that person. Just don't go there. Just don't. You can't. You must not.

But the high I got at the department store is enough to negate all that advice.

And yet logically I know what the right decision is. Which decision will have the best outcome in the long run.

I need time to sort through all this.

News

2004-12-14T17:55:00.000-08:00

I haven't had any motivation to write as of late.

But yesterday things sort of took a turn. Cathy and I went to dinner last night. I gave her a new Bible as a Christmas gift and we went shopping.

I kind of had this new attitude with her. I've given up on this idea of her and I being "together" so I guess that reflected in our interaction. I wasn't really concerned if she thought I was being stupid or silly. We had a good time.

Then we went to Steak n Shake.

Just when I think I've been has honest with her as I can possible be... we have a dinner like last night and it goes to a whole new level.

She thought I was mad at her. I told her I wasn't mad at her... that she would know if I were mad at her.

She began to tell me details of one of the times I was mad at her. I didn't go to Church that Sunday and she said it was obvious. She said that I thought she ignored my text messages and got mad.

How could she have known that? I never told her I was upset about that... ah ha! My mother told her mother! Suddenly it was so clear.

I, slightly embarrassed, acknowledged there was one time I was a little perturbed my messages were ignored.

She then went on to another incident... in detail.

What the heck is going on here?

I said to her, "I think my mother and your mother need to stop talking so much."

She looked at me and laughed.

She asked, "Can I tell you something?"

"What?"

She looked away, smiled, and looked back at me, "You've got to promise you wont tell your mother..."

"What!?"

"Do you swear you wont tell your mother no matter what?"

"What???!!!"

Suddenly a light bulb turned on above my head.

I said, "She's talked to you didn't she?"

She looked down and laughed.

MY MOTHER IS PULLING HER ASIDE AND TELLING HER EVERYTHING???!!!

She proceeds to tell me how my mother told her I had it real bad for her and I felt like she was avoiding me... blah blah blah.

If the conversation didn't go as well as it did... I might be really pissed off at my mother right now. But as it turned out... Cathy seemed to really be laying it on pretty thick.

She told me how she's given up hope of getting married (whatever) and is just kind of lost right now.

I told her I had given up on the idea of her turning in to anything because I'm struggling with comfort issues. I told her about my family teasing me about the kissing issue. How it really made me feel inadequate and how stupid the idea was in the first place.

She responded by telling me not to give up.

And all the sudden... life has this new twist.

I don't know where this is going with her.

For all of you out there who say, "Nick, you're gay, you can't change, no one can, this is ridiculous, you're only going to get turmoil and stress." I say back, yea so what. I've got turmoil and stress now. Maybe I can't change... but I enjoy my time with her. There's not many people in my life right now... actually none that I can think of... that I enjoy like her.

And not only that... she knows what she's getting into. I'm not holding anything back.

She's showing interest.

I like it.

Lighten Up

2004-12-07T21:53:00.000-08:00

I've had a very bad attitude lately. Spiritually I would describe myself as being angry.

In the last post a comment bought me to the website to a site called Courage. The author makes a compelling argument for embracing your orientation. And much of what he says I agree with on a logical level.

After my encounter with Love in Action I had to lighten up on myself and just confess my sin. Even if I put forth very little effort to avoid temptation.

I feel like I need to do that now.

I'm not a nice person. I'm haven't been pleasant in a long time. I've been angry and short with almost everyone.

Maybe this is not a good attitude to have. But it seems like that is what the author of that site is suggesting. Maybe that's what I need now. Maybe I'm wrong.

My Motivation

2004-12-04T17:49:00.000-08:00

When someone does something so great for you... something words have a hard time doing justice... something that you truly didn't deserve... you naturally want to return the favor. But with God, you can never return the favor. The debt is too high.

But it still makes me want to love him, to please him, to show him I'm grateful for finding me, forgiving me from my sins, and bringing me up spiritually.

If I know that porn irritates God, as a way of honoring Him, saying I love Him, following Him, I will try not to look at it.

Do I think God will love me any more if I don't? No. I think God loves me as much as he always has and always will.

So why not just sin? I mean I've accepted Christ... all the sin I committed, commit, and will commit is paid for. Why not just do as I please?

Because I want to please God. Not myself. He's done so much for me. The least I can do is submit my life to him as best as I can (which isn't really all that good if you ask me.)

But it's not like I get the short end of the stick either. God has blessed me beyond my wildest imagination. Somehow I made it through college and my career (while it sucks now) promises success in the coming years.

Yea, things are tough sometimes. I get down. But I have my ups too. And I always feel like God is close.

I'd rather live my life that way, so God can see that I appreciate him and what he's done for me, because we must all give an account of our lives to him. I believe that. It's scriptural.

So let me struggle with porn. Let me struggle with homosexuality.

If it's not the path you would choose for your life that's cool. But it's the path I've chosen for mine. And while I may seem down and pessimistic much of the time, believe it or not, I believe it's the best road to take.

Crack

2004-12-02T19:29:00.000-08:00

I haven't made it a secret that I struggle with porn. If you'll notice, the porno meter is back at zero:(

I really really hate it. And yet I love it. Such a battle!

At one point I thought I had a handle on it too. Why can't I just stay away from it? I have a very vivid imagination... I can dream up something just as explicit (not to say that's any better than looking at porn) but I just can't seem to drop it.

I recently came across this interesting article and am encouraged to see our government interested in the devastating effects of porn.

Porn is like America's dirty little secret. Not many people want to admit that they sneak a peak but the truth is the porn industry is booming. The worst part is with computers it becomes completely anonymous, completely free, and completely accessible.

This can't make God happy.

Good Point

2004-12-02T09:58:00.000-08:00

GuyMike has a good point. In Leviticus God gives the Israelites a whole bunch of laws much of the free world today finds absurd.

And thank God Paul instructs us in the New Testament the new covenant sets us free from the law. He points out what's important is the condition of the heart.

But consider this.

This is the same Paul who tackles homosexuality head on in the first Chapter of Romans. Paul discuses sexual immorality of all kinds and stresses it's importance on the condition of our heart.

Yes, many laws in Leviticus seem ridiculous. But I don't think you can category homosexuality, or incest for that matter, with those out-dated laws.

I've said this before. I don't understand what Paul is talking about trading the truth for a lie. It's not like I'm saying in my head, "Self, I'm going swap the truth with a lie and sleep with men." But I do think if God intended with the new covenant to do away with the sexual purity laws, Paul would have, at the very least, not mentioned it at all.

My Comment...

2004-12-01T11:48:00.000-08:00

Wow! I'm really impressed by all the discussion.

I want to answer one of the comments by kurt_t in an official post because I can see how someone might get confused.

First let me say I myself am not totally clear on the issue so I'm not sure how clear you'll be by the end of this but here goes.

My attraction to Cathy. One minute I say I'm attracted to her then next I say I'd rather sleep in a tub full of vipers then kiss her.

I'm attracted to her in an emotional way. The first moment I laid eyes on her I was struck by her beauty. But it's not a physical lust that I am most accustomed to with men.

I would like to kiss her and otherwise be intimate with her... but only when I'm comfortable enough with our friendship to go in that direction.

As it stands, I'm not seeing our friendship going there.

Add everyone in my life asking me how far physically Cathy and I have been... and... well... the anxiety I already have about physical intimacy with women seems to become amplified.

I want to love. This is instinctual for me. I also want to be loved... physically and emotionally.

As a Christian, I think God has a very real plan for me in regards to my love life. And while I don't exactly know what that plan is, I do know it doesn't include sex with men. Not because of my will, but because of God's.

If that means that I need to learn how to make love to the wife God has for me, and get over my fear and anxieties... than so be it.

If that means I'll live a life without a physical soul mate, well... I'm open to that too.

Finally, I'd like to add my two cents on the rest of the discussion.

As I said before, I'd rather error on the side of caution as far as God and homosexuality are concerned. And to me, it's not an error because I feel God has answered my questions about it with certainty. It is possible I may be wrong about this... but my money says otherwise.

It will be a lot easier for me to justify my lifestyle to God based on His word, than it will be for someone with the opposite viewpoint to justify their lifestyle.

No, Jesus said nothing about homosexuality. There actually was a whole bunch of sin He simply didn't mention. But God did specifically mention it in the Old Testament.

Leviticus 18:22 "Do not lie with a man as one lies with a woman; that is detestable." (NIV)

I'm Only Human

2004-11-29T18:04:00.000-08:00

The purpose of this blog is to tell the story of my struggle.

I'm human. I'm moody. And I'm not going to do everything the right way.

But something I'm not going to budge on.

God does not want me to have sex with men.

This is a struggle for me because I am strongly sexually attracted to hot guys.

Now to say God does not want me to have sex with other men is not to say I wont ever have sex with men. I am human and subject to temptation. Not only that but I'm overly emotional with a tendency to act out when I'm feeling especially low.

So I'm not trying to come off like some angel or religious authority.

I'm just trying to write about my experiences as honestly as I can. Because I believe there are some people out there who might be going through the same thing... that maybe are having the same feelings inside... about God... and about their attractions.

Finding Nemo

2004-11-29T03:56:00.000-08:00

I'm a pretty moody guy. But I'm in a better mood this morning.

I didn't want to leave such an angry post as the last post so I quickly want to add, I'm okay.

Also, I want to address one of the comments made on the last post. Cathy has never been an attempt to appease my family or God. She is a girl I'm attracted to. It just so happens I have intimacy issues with girls. Come to think of it, I have intimacy issues with guys too... just on the other end of the spectrum.

My family doesn't mean anything hurtful with their teasing. But it does drive home the fact that healthy relationships, what I consider healthy relationships (I should say), just don't come naturally to me.

It is not God's will that I live a gay lifestyle. The Bible says it's God's will that I pick up my cross, deny myself, and follow Christ.

If you don't agree that's fine. I'm not going to flame you because of your belief.

I just wonder who you love more. Yourself, or God. God is not going to ask you to live your life pleasing yourself. He's going to ask you live a life of service to others. That's just the way it is.

I may not like it, but that's usually when I can't look beyond my own problems. And I get that way a lot. But I snap out of it eventually.

I give up on Cathy. I can't see myself being comfortable enough with her to get intimate. Maybe one day I can meet a girl who I am comfortable enough to be with. But as for right now, I don't want it, and I'm not looking for it.

No Way Out

2004-11-28T11:43:00.000-08:00

While in Pennsylvania, visiting my aunt, Cathy was the topic of much conversation. My mom is just convinced we are going to get married (sigh) and loves to talk about her.

The very first question my aunt asked me was if I had kissed her yet. When I said no, she laughed this laugh that really hurt my feelings. My mom's been buggin me about kissing her too.

Basically, I feel a lot of pressure from my family to kiss this girl. And honestly I'm terrified.

And I'm thinking, if my family is bugging me about this, what in the world is going through Cathy's head.

Okay, so I called her on Thanksgiving and she didn't answer. I sent her two text messages over the week and no response. Only yesterday did she finally call me back and the conversation was less than stimulating.

I'd rather just put a stop to this right here and now. If she were a guy, kissing her would be no problem at all. Hell, if she were a guy I'd probably have slept with her by now.

The point is, I can't do it. Call me what ever you like. Chicken, pussy, fag. To just slap some wet French kiss on Cathy goes against everything inside me. I get freaked out just thinking about it.

So, I'll just put space between us. More space than she's put between us already.

I decided to do this earlier this week, after my messages were ignored, and the harassment about my lack of physical affection from my family. Then the prospect of being alone hit me all the sudden and it really brought me down.

Then I just had this thought, if being alone is that big of a deal, I'll just find some guy to date and live a defeated Christian life. Sure it won't make God happy and it wont be God's will for my life, but who really cares. It's my life... nobody else's.

Who am I kidding.

I'm screwed. Sure I can sleep with a guy... but I can't give him my heart. My heart belongs to God. Even if I wanted to I couldn't. Eventually I'd break it off because of my conscience. I've done it before a couple times. I'm damned if I do and damned if I don't.

I'm so sad. I didn't go to Church today. Naturally Cathy called all upbeat and peppy just to check on me. I didn't want to talk. I'm sure that came across in my tone.

Someone might say, and has said (I might add), that I just haven't given God my all. That I haven't turned my whole life over to God. I guess I haven't read my Bible enough. All I need to do is say no and not hang out with "those" people.

My response, f you.

I think it would be easier sleep in a tank full of vipers on Fear Factor than to just kiss Cathy.

I'm unhappy spiritually. I'm unhappy with my job. I feel hopeless, pessimistic, and depressed. I can't imagine this being the life God had planned for me. And yet I can't see a way out.

Vacation

2004-11-24T19:34:00.000-08:00

Im writing from my PDA which is connected (wirelessly) to my cell so this has to be short. Im in PA with my family for turkey day. Ive got tons of stuff to write about when I get back to my computer. Enjoy the turkey.

Figuratively Slit My Wrists

2004-11-18T15:36:00.000-08:00

I have a problem with authority.

There. I said it.

As fate would have it, my current job requires I submit to incompetent authority. And it just burns me up. Today I finally had it. I told my boss flat out, she makes rules and doesn't enforce them or follow them herself.

Her response, "Shit happens."

Shit happens???

Yes, nobody does their job correctly, they turn in their work late, I stay late getting the job done, while they go home. Yea, shit sure does happen.

Pristine management there... if you ask me.

I have more education then anyone in my office. I have years of experience on anyone in my office. It's no secret that my work is... better than the other people I work with. (Yes, I struggle with pride and that's probably what's tripping me up here but dammit it's the truth.)

I take my work very very seriously. And I realize that makes me hard to work with. If you're a slacker where I work, we are going to have problems. It sucks because when ever they want something done right, as they often do, guess who they give it to. Me, because they know I will put my heart and soul in it.

But I've about had enough.

Unfortunately, I'm not able to do half-ass work. I tried to do it once out of spite and it just seemed harder than doing it right.

I'm stuck in a contract for another two and a half years. And I want to (figuratively) slit my wrists.

Do you think God has me here for a reason? Uugh.

I know this is a personal blog and has nothing to do with my professional life so I apologize for griping about it here. But I'm just so frustrated and I need to vent.

It's Going to Take Love

2004-11-16T21:02:00.000-08:00

Cathy and I had dinner last night. Originally the plan was to do what we've always done and go to some restaurant. But she was running a test in her new crock pot.

Stew-beef-a-la-noodle-kinda-like-a-beef-strogonoffa-something-or-other.

The test was, in my opinion, edible and so we decided to just eat at her place.

We talked.

I already decided in my head things with her probably weren't going to pan out to anything other than friendship.

But interestingly, I felt so comfortable talking to her, that I told her just that. She was curious. I told her it was nothing personal, and had little to do with where she was at, and wouldn't have anything to do with where some other random female would be at, but had everything to do with where I'm at.

When I find out we are not gonna go where I want us to go, speaking in terms of our relationship, in the time frame I have set... I act out... get drunk... hang out and do stuff with people I have no business being with.

I told her my wife, if ever I get married, is going to have to put up with so much... me learning to have sex... learning to get intimate... all this stuff they wouldn't normally have to deal with. It's going to take... it's going to take...

(and I was wanting to say something to the effect of... an act of God or a miracle)

but she interrupted, looked me dead square in the eye and said, matter of factually, "It's going to take love."

Folks, I was floored. I wanted to crawl under a rock. I felt like she had pulled my covers. I'm not sure why.

I responded she was right. That's exactly what it would take, but that I felt like, and I do feel this way, that no one would love me like that.

Why do I feel that way? Well, there are reasons. I know me. I know all the nook and crannies. I know of all the warts and gross disgusting personality traits that I struggle with. What would a woman see in me that's attractive? All I see is a bunch of work.

A guy is a different story. I'm comfortable with a guy. I don't even need to know a guy to full on get naked with them and have earth shattering mind blowing sex.

I'm ashamed to admit that but it's true.

Anyhow, I left last night questioning my assessment of our relationship. It seems like she's... well... I don't know. Maybe I want to see something that isn't there. But it does seem to me, some of the time, that she might be toying with the idea of me... in a more permanent area of her life. Now maybe I'm dead wrong about that, and if I were a betting man, my money would say I'm totally wrong. But it's just a feeling I get. Sometimes.

And our relationship is very open. There's not much I wouldn't tell her.

In fact, I realized during our conversation, that all this time I've been looking for an accountability partner, and she, by definition, fits the bill, as a simple result of our "dating" friendship.

I've told her more than my own mother, who lives with me, and I share everything with. Some things however, aren't appropriate to share with my mother (ie. sexual type stuff).

But Cathy and I share details of our past sexual experiences together pretty openly.

It's just interesting. Noteworthy. Nothing to write home about, but our relationship is surely worth paying attention to.

For the Love of Money

2004-11-15T16:03:00.000-08:00

How many of you have over heard a bunch of straight guys talking about how much money it would take to have sex with a guy?

It's kind of like that age old argument comic buffs have over who would win in a battle between Superman and Spiderman. I roll my eyes and make mental note of the sublime conversation.

But recently one of the guys participating in the gay-sex-for-money conversation said something that has been haunting me the past few days. And I can't figure out what it means or what it says about what straight guys think.

King says, "Hell yea I'd do it for a billion dollars... are you kidding me???!!! You know what you can do with a billion dollars?"

Jones says, "Yea, but one thing you can't buy is integrity."

The conversation went on and on. But that comment stuck out in my head. Integrity.

Dictionary.com says integrity means:
1) Steadfast adherence to a strict moral or ethical code.
2)The state of being unimpaired; soundness.
3) The quality or condition of being whole or undivided; completeness.

To me, homosexuality has less than nothing to do with ethics. I guess that's my biggest issue with God. Where as straight guys are naturally attracted to women, I am naturally attracted to men. I didn't choose this attraction... no more than straight men choose their attraction to women. But if I choose to celebrate my nature I lack a strict moral or ethical code and am without integrity. They choose to celebrate their nature and the question of integrity isn't even a consideration.

Integrity.

You may think I lack integrity for even thinking this but...

I wonder what goes through the mind of straight men when they consider gay sex.

It's probably different for everyone.

I can say for me, when I consider straight sex, I almost want to yack. Warning bells go off in my head. It's not something I really want to do.

I'll do it... if God tells me to... but I probably wont like it. I don't know.

But do straight guys feel the same way about gay sex? Maybe they are supposed to. Maybe God put that there so guys wouldn't have sex with other guys. And maybe something went horribly wrong deep inside my head that's got me completely ass backwards.

Or maybe, I lack integrity.

Mark of the Homo

2004-11-14T16:10:00.000-08:00

A friend of mine, one who I really shouldn't spend all that much time with, is straight.

Nothing of interest there... right? He's straight.

Well, he's straight, but likes to have sex with men.

Ask him directly if he's gay he will very quickly respond, "No!" To those gay boys he's interested in, he will tell them he's bisexual so they know he hops the fence and is indeed sexually compatible.

I went to the straight bar he works at recently to pick up something I needed from him for work. He was out of town but his roommate, the owner of the bar, brought what I needed. While there this random guy who knew my "straight" friend started talking to me. He was a tattoo artist by trade and we got on the subject of tattoos.

I've always wanted one but not until recently have I come up with one that I think would suit me perfectly.

You guys are going to think I'm nuts but I don't care.

I told him I wanted a brown tattoo... something that would blend in with my skin... something a quick glance would not reveal.

He showed me a tattoo he had, done in white ink. It was exactly what I was looking for. Easy to miss and very cool... almost like a tattoo that had been removed.

Anyhow I told him I wanted a bar code on the back of my neck or the small of my back. The bar code of the Bible I read.

I like the idea because it would represent how conflicted I am. A bar code on my neck might seem... almost... new-world-order-ish. So to use a bar code from my personal Bible would, in my eyes, represent conflict... which is exactly how I feel being drawn to God as I am and as a result denying such an intimate personal part of my personality... my sexuality.

He said to me, "Don't get it on the small of your back... that's gay."

He paused, "Are you gay?"

At this point in the conversation, I didn't feel like telling him I struggle with homosexual feelings or same sex attractions.

It was a simple question. And so I told him simply, "Yes".

"Oh. Well then get a tattoo on your back." (I'm still partial to getting it on the back of my neck though.)

Our conversation continued. Eventually we got on the subject of my straight friend... Brian.

"Brian," the tattoo artist declared, "Is the gayest straight guy I know."

He had no idea.

What's worse? Me, who, openly declares my homosexuality, and accepts the denial of my nature, or Brian, who adamantly denies his homosexuality, but screws any half decent looking guy?

I guess it really doesn't matter.

I feel like I'm lying though, when people ask if I'm gay and I say no. The same way I feel like Brian is lying when people ask him. I guess this boils down to that damn issue I tried to put behind me three weeks ago.

But I sit here and think about Brian. He says he's straight (even though he's truly not) and yet enjoys from society the fruition of being straight simply by lying about it.

I tell the truth, and all the sudden it's okay to have a gay tattoo.

It's just messed up.

Harold and Maude

2004-11-12T05:55:00.000-08:00

I'm not a big movie person. To sit and do nothing for two hours really doesn't appeal to me. But every once in a while I see a film that really makes an impression on me. As is the case with a movie that just happened to come on after something I was watching on TV.

I knew after the first scene this movie was weird. I wouldn't go so far as to call it a dark comedy but I would say it's an unorthodox romance and, in my opinion, the greatest love story of our time.

The kicker is, it was produced before I was even born!

If you get a chance, watch this movie, and post a comment about your impressions.

It's called Harold and Maude.

Homosexuality Happens

2004-11-11T13:27:00.000-08:00

Sex. Why is it so... important? Why is it always on my mind? Why does it influence so much of my behavior? Why why why? My life would be so much simpler if I could just live life without constantly feeling intimately alone.

Even when I have sex, the desire for it returns within hours.

what's the point?

When someone is gay, when they identify themselves as being homosexual, everybody pretty well knows what that means. Whether they agree with it or not, nobody questions the persons motivation.

When a straight girl finds out the guy she likes is gay, she starts to cry because she knows she has a snow balls chance in hell of getting what she wants.

My point in this is homosexuality happens. It manifests itself in nature. From Biblical times until now, from every country and every race there have been and will always continue to be gay people.

My question is not why is there homosexuality, but why sexuality at all? If for procreation, why then does nature tolerate homosexuality? If it didn't tolerate homosexuality, than why it's persistence throughout history and it's prevalence in today's culture?

Sex is so... damn... important. Why? Because, I believe, it is biological.

This is a related article that I find very interesting.

God says no. It's that simple.

Well, it's not that simple actually.

God tells the Israelites that the men aught not have sex with other men, as other nations do. One might argue that rule can be chalked up to the old covenant. Paul also mentions it and while he strongly condemns it, he fails to offer any kind of reasonable explanation for it. I say reasonable. I know others will disagree.

He says the homosexual has exchanged the truth of God for a lie.

I argue, this comes from a straight man with no concept of the homosexual struggle and an argument other non-gay people, the majority, will find too easy to identify with.

When ever it's my opinion verses God's Word... I know who wins. So I must concede that it will never be okay for me to live a homosexual life and expect God to bless it. I guess the next best thing is to just wish I weren't gay and look across to greener pastures to the wonderful world of straightdom.

Sex is biological and yet has such a profound impact on one's spirituality.

It's enough to make me vomit.

Treading Water

2004-11-10T05:25:00.000-08:00

You every wonder what the point in all this is? We going about our lives, doing day to day things, go here and there... living for Friday's... dreading the work week.

I guess it's not so bad. But if we were created in God's image, life must some how be related to what things will be like in heaven.

I often imagine what heaven will be like. My grandmother will be there. I wont struggle with homosexuality. I can sit face to face with God at the dinner table and ask Him questions point blank.

My pastor says God is preparing us in this life, for what he has for us in the next.

I'm not so sure I buy that. If I end this life with my head above water I'll be happy.

Have you ever tried to tread water for over an hour? I don't care how in-shape you are, after 10 minutes you'll at the very least be winded.

I think of my spirituality kind of like that.

I take a little sink to rest and I can't breathe.

Sinking Feeling

2004-11-08T15:40:00.000-08:00

One thing my pastor said yesterday during service that really got me was this.

"Isn't it ironic, that in order for God to use a vessel, it must be broken?"

There's a certain quality in being broken. Maybe it's the lack of pride. Maybe it's the utter humility one feels when they realize how inadequate they are. Maybe it's just how God works.

A few weeks ago, I felt strong. I felt like I was growing. I was reading the Bible a lot and praying a lot. I was walking on water.

One of the many things I prayed for during that time was that I not become proud. That God would make me humble... and do it without a massive humiliating fall. Not that I felt like I was pridefull... but I do know how easy it is to become that way.

Peter didn't walk on water long before he started to sink and needed help from his savior.

I wasn't up long before I too started to sink.

I was thinking today as I was driving home from work, how weak I feel. How I wish I felt like I did a few weeks ago. How broken I feel right now.

Ding ding ding. Suddenly there was a light bulb above my head.

Maybe God wants me to feel broken. Maybe there's something here I'm missing?!

But what?

Cosmic Two By Four

2004-11-07T15:59:00.000-08:00

Church today was awesome. I could tell the moment worship began. I just felt those chills the first five seconds.

Then... the message. It was about God's timing.

The Scripture reading was Philippians 1:6.

For I am sure of this very thing, that the one who began a good work in you will perfect it until the day of Christ Jesus.

Spiritual growth takes time and we shouldn't get discouraged when things don't move at our speed. That God is more concerned with our spiritual strength than he is with the speed at which we grow. That we need problems in our lives in order to grow spiritually.

My mom likes to use the term "cosmic two by four". This service hit me like a cosmic two by four.

I really needed that message. It got me back on track. I decided to renew my faith and start putting forth effort again for spiritual growth... something I've really been slacking on lately.

We had the Christmas play rehearsal after the service. Cathy and I joked with one another. I could tell she wanted me to ask her to lunch but I was reluctant because... well... I don't know why. I kind of want to back off from all that so I just didn't.

My mom volunteered me to give some guy a ride home so we left. After I dropped the guy off we decided to hit the Chinese buffet. Yummy.. crab:)

Since I had to pass by the Church anyways, I decided to drop in and see if Cathy wanted to go.

She had planned on hanging with her family so she needed to check with her mom who suggested we all go to lunch... which we did. I really enjoy hanging out with her family. Cathy and I didn't get to chat much but our parents did. My mom told humiliating stories about my childhood while her parents did the same. It was fun.

Then we all went home and here I am writing.

For the first time in a while I feel pretty good. Not because I hung out with Cathy or any of that... but because I feel like God is working in my life. Like he spoke to me through today's message.

I'm going to really make an effort to get back on track... and that means no more porn. I'm gonna reset the porno-meter after this post. I looked at it again this morning. It's such a dirty disgusting spirit polluting sin.

Hopefully this was the spiritual kick in the pants I needed to get back on track.

Try

2004-11-07T06:25:00.000-08:00

I'm really into music. I find comfort in it. When life sucks beyond belief, I can listen to some music and manipulate my emotions. If I want to feel worse I can listen to some angry Alanis or maybe some Eminem. If I want to feel romantic I can turn on some John Mayer. If I really want to go old school I'll dig up some Deee-Lite. If I'm doing well spiritually I'll listen to Crystal Lewis or some other Christian music.

I'll play a song over and over and over... for weeks... until I get sick of it and never want to hear it again... well at least for a couple months.

Lately, I've been in this funk, and I've been stuck on this one song. It seems to fit so perfectly with how I feel right now.

I hate it when people write lyrics of whole songs and normally I myself wouldn't do it, but because this song so perfectly fits with how I'm feeling, and because for the past week I haven't thought of any other song... I'm going to do it.

It's by Nelly Fertado. Try.

All I know
Is everything is not as it's sold
but the more I grow the less I know
And I have lived so many lives
Though I'm not old
And the more I see, the less I grow
The fewer the seeds the more I sow

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try

I wish I hadn't seen all of the realness
And all the real people are really not real at all
The more I learn, the more I learn
The more I cry, the more I cry
As I say goodbye to the way of life
I thought I had designed for me

Then I see you standing there
Wanting more from me
And all I can do is try
Then I see you standing there
I'm all I'll ever be
But all I can do is try

Try

All of the moments that already passed
try to go back and make them last
All of the things we want each other to be
We never will be
And that's wonderful, and that's life
that's you, baby
This is me, baby
we are, we are, we are, we are
Free
In our love
We are free in our love

Still Alive

2004-11-06T09:07:00.000-08:00

I haven't had sex with anyone. I'm still alive. Spiritually I'm in the dumps. Not exactly sure why. Didn't go to Church yesterday. I did have dinner with Cathy... but things are going no where fast with her. I've kind of lost interest and I feel like she's humoring me.

I'm sorry I'm not writing much.

I should say, that guy I e-mailed from the service I go to on Fridays about maybe reaching out to other gay people, is now bugging me to do lunch. I wish I could get out of it cuase I was doing super well spiritually when I wrote that. Now I'm not doing so well. He's gonna see that.

REM, "low low low"

2004-11-03T18:58:00.000-08:00

You know it's funny. I've been flippant lately. Like I just don't give a shit. The guilt I have comes from my dedication to this blog that I no longer have. Now I feel like a different person. I've made a friend on gay.com and we've been chatting for a week now. Maybe we will meet. Our traded pictures have been received well... I'm just nervous because based on my past experience pictures lie and then your in some awkward situation where you're sort of expected to have sex but having seen the person in person, you'd rather sleep with vulture.

But the grass is always greener.

As embarrassing as this will be for me I'm gonna share it with you. If you don't want to watch there's a million blogs out there that will entertain you to your hearts content.

My other friend Brian is coming back in town. I would call him a booty call... a very cute booty call at that. I'd like to give him a buzz when he gets back. Maybe... maybe not.

I'm so low right now that none of this matters to me. there are people from online trying to talk to me... snap me out of it... but my attitude is rebellious. I'm still reading my Bible... but only one chapter in the Morning. I try to muster some prayer before sleep but it's half hearted in attempt.
This is me low.

Funny thing is, I called Cathy cause she went in the hospital for bronchitis and some other stuff to say, "I hope you feel better." I asked her if she wanted some stuff like yogurt or ice cream... something she would be allergic to... as a joke. We, as far as I could tell, had a fun conversation and I hung up with a smile on my face. I sure do like her. That makes me sad.

Vomitus M&Mus

2004-11-02T15:03:00.000-08:00

I have not felt like writing lately. Sorry.

I may be snapping out of it though.

Cathy and I had dinner last night. She called me and invited me out. I just told her flat out, the realization that she wasn't spiritually where I thought she was sent me in to a tail spin which told me... I myself wasn't where I thought I was spiritually.

Anyhow, we talked for three hours... telling each other more stuff about ourselves than I think either of use wanted to know. She told me about her hang ups with her first boyfriend and I told her about my ex boy friends.

It was nice though. We do a lot of laughing when were together. I don't think were gonna get married or anything... but we are becoming closer as friends.

It was hard to be honest and tell her why I was upset. And I could tell she wasn't expecting it. But I could also tell she appreciated what I was saying... even though it didn't really paint her in the best light.

Anyhow, I'm tired of devoting any more of myself into this.

I want to get back to normal... and I think I'm slowly getting there. I've only been reading my Bible once a day (as opposed to twice) and I'm only reading the New Testament (as opposed to both the NT and OT) per sitting. I guess I'm lazy. I just am not feeling spiritual right now.

I've also managed to stay away from porn. This is my second day. But I wouldn't blame it on any act of God. Try and eat a pound of M&M's. You'll get sick of them eventually. I think the same principal applies with the my struggle with porn. I'm just sick of it.

Anyhow... that's all for now. Hopefully I can write something a little more substantial tomorrow.

Help, I've fallen and I can't get up.

2004-10-30T20:25:00.000-07:00

I'm so struggling right now. I can't seem to get a handle on my sin. I am just struggling. Right now, I feel so badly emotionally... and porn seems to make me feel better... at least in the moment... but then when it's over... I feel worse. And then a little bit later... I do it all over again. It's like this mad cycle.

The crazy part is... logically, I know that doing this is not making me feel better in the long run.

I just don't understand.

How did I get here? I was doing so well... as far as I was concerned anyway... as compared to how I used to behave.

I guess this is all happening to show me I'm not ready to be in a relationship. As much as I'd like to deny that this has anything to do with Cathy... well... I think it has everything to do with her. Or at least the realization that I'm dreaming as far as she is concerned.

All that being said, there is a real part of me that is alone. I mean intimately alone. I've got people all around me. But nobody I can be close with.

Will I ever be ready? It seems to me I'm always just one bad decision away from a fall.

Now I'm like that old lady in those commercials, "Help, I've fallen and I can't get up."

Where is my medic alert bracelet that I can just activate and help is on the way?

Just screw it.

2004-10-30T16:09:00.000-07:00

I'm in a really bad mood. I'm not going to Church tomorrow. I don't feel like blogging. I don't know what's wrong.

Things with Cathy are a bust, but I don't think that's the issue. She didn't return a text message.

I couldn't care less about that whole issue.

Maybe it's that I could really use a friend right now... someone I can lean on... and there's no one here. I've tried and tried to find someone to be accountable with. I put myself out there time and time again and people are just not interested.

And right now I could really use someone. A real person. Someone I can sit and have coffee with.

Screw it.

Trying to get up.

2004-10-28T15:31:00.000-07:00

I've had a whole bunch of time to think about this and my conclusion, while not set in stone, is firm.

I'm going to lay off of Cathy. I'll see her at Church and we'll talk but I'm not going to bug her to do stuff. If she asks if something has changed or if I'm mad, I'll explain that if God wants anything to happen... then it will. If the opportunity presents itself I may go in to more detail but I don't want her to feel judged and I don't want her to get upset.

I've got bigger battles to fight. Like my appetite for porn... which I'm really struggling with. Like my job which, because of incompetent leadership, always has me in a bad mood. Like my relationship with God... which one minute seems amazing then the next down in the dumps.

I don't have time to chase Cathy.

She's 20. She needs to do what 20 year olds do.

I'm 28, and not that I know what it is 28 year olds need to be doing, I know for me, it's not chasing a girl who hasn't made a concrete decision for Christ.

I was thinking about that very thought this morning and wondered just how committed to Christ I am. I mean, I'm still struggling with porn. I can't even separate myself from that... who am I to assume I'm living for Christ and she's not.

I don't know. It's all so heavy and weighs on my mind constantly.

But if Christ is in this than it will work out... even if it doesn't right this minute. I'm in no rush.

Every time I fall with pornography... the hardest part of getting sober... is the first few days after the initial fall. And right now I'm really really feeling tempted. I'm going to be alone later on tonight and I'm just dreading it.

I can't wait for tomorrow's Worship service.

I'm not sure if I mentioned this earlier but I sent an e-mail to the guy who preaches during the Friday service. I told him I'd like to, at some point in the future, reach out to gay people. That it's something that's been on my heart. I told him the condensed version of my story and asked him to pray for me and/or help me figure out where to go from here. I mentioned how I don't have an accountability partner and how my pastor doesn't seem receptive to being accountable with me... kind of in the hopes that he might help me out with that some how.

He responded that he appreciated my honesty and would like to talk further after this big production the Church is putting on in a week or two.

I'm not too encouraged. But that's okay cause I feel real low right now having recently looked at porn.

I've fallen.

2004-10-27T17:31:00.000-07:00

I don't know why. I have no excuse. I simply have given in to sin.

Last night the opportunity presented itself and I took it. I pulled up some porn and... well... I guess you can figure out the rest.

I'm not really sure why... I was feeling okay last night. The day was some what rough as I was preoccupied with Cathy... but by the end of the night I was over that. I don't know.

This blog is the only accountability partner I have right now. You may have noticed the new little thingy below previous posts. It's my new porno-meter which will list the number of days it's been since I last looked at porn. This will serve as motivation for me to stay clean.

Honestly I came home from work and sort of did it again. I figured why not... I just did it... who's counting... might as well go down in flames. I know. This is a bad attitude to have.

It's so frustrating. My spirit wants no part of this. Logically I know this is not helping but in fact polluting my mind, body, and spirit. And yet, physically, it's such a high... even if only for a couple minutes.

I don't know how I can expect Cathy to keep her nose clean if I can't even keep my own nose clean.

Before this... it was like 23 days since I last looked at porn. Before that, it was like a month and a half... maybe two. I don't know. I can tell you this. I have a real problem with porn. And from now on you'll know how well I'm doing with this struggle by looking at my porno-meter.

It all comes out in the wash.

2004-10-26T18:46:00.001-07:00

I have been beside myself since my Saturday night conversation with Cathy. It's like a snowball that started out real small. It has progressively gotten bigger and today I can think of nothing else.

I texted her and asked if she wanted to go to dinner but she replied she's in class till 10PM. It wouldn't have mattered had she accepted because I forgot, I already made plans.

My mom has written a Christmas play for our Church. There aren't enough people to be in the play and watch it at the same time (God's sense of humor) so much of it we are video taping. Today, my mother, the pastor and his wife (Cathy's parents), and myself went to scope out the barn where I've been drafted to shoot much of the production.

Donald and Lisa (the pastor and his wife) asked if we wanted to eat dinner afterwards and mom and I agreed.

I was trying very hard to be sociable and not appear as if something was on my mind. Lisa is very good at noticing when I'm going through something and the last thing in the world I want them to know is I'm really going through it about their daughter.

I kept staring out the window going through all this stuff in my mind about Cathy. How I'm such a dork, I couldn't even hug her until I spoke with her about it... at some point I'm gonna have to kiss her... and I want to... but what if I'm not as good as her ex boyfriend? All this stuff. Like how I don't want to compete... rather... I can't compete with her ex. Just all this crap kept rolling around in my head.

I finally decided this just isn't going to work.

Then I changed my mind.

Then I changed my mind again.

I just don't know.

Then I thought I'd just call her at 10PM and insist we talk. Get it out in the open and see where it ends up.

Then I changed my mind.

Then we arrived and I was distracted with the work at hand.

Afterwards we all headed to the Chinese Buffet. The same Chinese Buffet, I might add, where Pastor Donald removed his pastor hat and put on his dad hat.

I began to tell that story and found out that Pastor Donald neglected to tell Lisa about the conversation we had that day.... specifically about my SSA.

I had to scold Pastor Donald for not having a big mouth.

I told Lisa about my struggle with homosexuality, how I don't believe it's God's plan for my life... blah blah blah.

I'm glad though it all came up because the conversation that ensued was awesome. We all shared and I really felt accepted. It was cool. But the big news in all this is something Lisa said about Cathy. Something I really needed to hear. Something that gave me peace about the current situation. Something that indirectly told me what to do next.

She was talking about her kids and how each of them went through this phase where they had to decide if they were going to live for Christ of their own accord and not for their parents.

Then she said the magic words.

"All of my kids have decided to live for Christ... well... Cathy is kind of floundering spiritually right now... but..." and she continued.

That was it. Cathy is kind of floundering spiritually right now. Wow! Seems so simple right? IT IS!

Cathy is floundering.

It's funny cause Pam's comment from the last post confirms the conclusion I came to at the dinner table.

If Cathy isn't serious about Christ than nothing substantial can come of our relationship.

I don't have to say, "You know... the sex you're having with your ex bothers me." or, "I'm worried about your sexual past." I don't have to say any of that.

All I have to ask is if she wants to live for Christ or if she's just trying to have fun right now... because right now it appears as if she's floundering spiritually.

I'm not going to judge her. I'll still be her friend. But I'm done sowing my oats. I don't need to experience what the world has to offer anymore. I want Christ. Period. Amen.

If she doesn't want Christ, or even if she just doesn't want Him right now, that's all I need to know. And the funny thing is, she doesn't have to tell me. I don't really need to ask... even though I will. That kind of thing has a funny way of coming out in the wash.

---------

For all of you married folk, Julie Anne Fidler has a survey that's got your name all over it.

STOP! In the name of love.

2004-10-25T16:32:00.000-07:00

I am a very analytical person.

All I could think about today was everything Cathy told me. It just wont leave me alone.

I've got two big issues and they both have to do with sex.

What if she is some nympho with an insatiable appetite for sex? I'm not going to be the best lay she's ever had... especially in the beginning. I know I shouldn't be thinking about this but if she is struggling with sex... I'm in trouble.

Next, I'm not okay with her having sex with her ex. That really bugs me.

He called like four times while we were out the other night. Imagine how many times he calls her when I'm not there.

I really have feelings for this girl. I can't explain it. And it's not jealousy that I'm feeling. I have no feelings one way or the other for this guy. What I'm feeling is fear that I wont be able to please her... and concern for her walk with Christ.

I had sex three months ago. I'm not one to talk.

But... well... I don't even know what my problem is.

She called me last night of her own accord... just to talk. I know she feels something for me... well... I think she does. But how do I handle this?

I've been praying about this all day. God, is this not the girl you want me to be with? How do I handle this? What am I supposed to do?

Part of me is not ready to try to be in a relationship with a girl. I mean really really not ready. Honestly, part of me doesn't even want to try... ever.

The other part of me... does. The other part of me wants a HUGE family... six or seven kids.

And then there are these feelings I have for Cathy... but she has got to decide this is what she wants too and behave accordingly.

I wish I knew what to do.

Inspector Gadget

2004-10-24T17:59:00.000-07:00

Cathy and I went out last night. We had briefly spoken earlier on the phone. She just got a new job at a movie theater and we discussed movies we both had seen.

I mentioned I saw Team America... that I had thought about asking her to go with me... but I was really glad after seeing the movie that I didn't. (It was really funny - very political - but very very crude.) She said she already seen it and loved it.

Anyhow, I tell you that because it got me thinking. I bet there is this whole other side to her that I'm not aware of... a wild side. She's 20. She's the daughter of a preacher. She's in college. She's gorgeous. Yes, the more I thought about it, the more I was sure there was more to her than I've been seeing. So I made a decision to ask her about it.

We met after she got off of work. We got on the waiting list for Outback then went to the nearby Christian bookstore. She admitted to me that she's not a big fan of her King James Bible and she's not reading daily. I had already scoped the place out for a Bible (possible a Christmas gift for her) and wanted to make sure it was what she wanted.

She wants the Message which is a VERY contemporary paraphrased translation of a translation of a translation. (Sigh)

She's not really interested in the version I love and adore, a translation taken from the original Greek, Hebrew, and Aramaic scrolls which is in contemporary English called the New English Translation but whatever.

Anyhow... what ever gets her in the Word.

I discretely got her to pick a Bible cover she liked and we moved on.

I was telling her about the rough week I had... about the heated debate turn virtual fist fight here in the bloggospher... and how I've just been down all week. She didn't say much. She even changed the subject once.

After she finished and there was a lull I too finished my story.

I told her I feel uncomfortable talking about this with her because I don't really know how she feels about it and I'm afraid she's uncomfortable when I talk about it. She never really says anything. I said I need to just get over it because if that's the case then we just don't need to hang out.

I kind of blurted this all out in one breath.

She laughed. But still said nothing.

We finally made it to our table at Outback. I told her, I wasn't sure, but I felt like God was kind of calling me to reach out to other struggling gay people... sorry... those struggling with homosexuality. That I didn't think right now was exactly the time... but it was just something I've been praying about.

I was still getting nothing from her.

"Cathy," I asked, "What do you think about all this?" She answered, "What do you mean?"

"I mean, I keep telling you all this stuff... and you don't give me anything back. What do you think about ministry? Is God calling you in to some kind of service? What do you think about me wanting to reach out to others with my same struggle?"

She began by telling me she thinks I'm on the right track... blah blah blah.

Nothing real substantial.

*pause*

This is a real problem. As of yet, this girl and I have not leveled with each other. I've tried. I've told her about myself, I've been as honest as I can, and yet I still feel like were just not friends... like my college buddies... like someone I'd call when I'm bored. This needs to change.

*play*

I told her I was surprised she had seen Team America and I was beginning to think there was this whole other side of her she wasn't letting on to.

She smiled.

"Cathy, what is your position on drinking?"

She responded, "I love it."

Ah ha! Now were getting somewhere. Turns out she got drunk Thursday.

I told her I too like to drink but must be very careful not to get drunk because I have a history of blacking out.

She confided that she's done some other stuff... quit smoking three months ago... and has smoked pot three times.

This began a very frank conversation between us that didn't end until 1AM.

It turns out, she's sexually active... and struggles with it.

Now, I'm sure you all are like... Nick, this girl is no good... stay far far away.

But oddly, by leveling with each other, I'm more attracted to her. In fact I caught myself staring at her while she was talking to me, imagining myself kissing her neck! That's a first.

She told me everything and I told her everything too... more than before... like my struggle with masturbation and porn (which I still haven't looked at in over 20 days).

She said she felt weird now that she's told me what she's really all about... I told her now we're even.

She told me she is trying to stay away from sex... but that she had it almost a week ago. I didn't ask but I'm assuming it's with her ex (who called four times during the course of the evening.) She made it clear to him on the phone, while I was there, that she was with me... and that she'd talk to him later.

She says she's made it clear that they are not going to get back together... but that it's real easy to fall into old behaviors.

I know exactly what that is like as I've experienced that with my ex Ashley.

I told her I'm no expert on straight relationships, but in a gay relationship I once had, I had to put space between me and him because of how easy it was to fall into old habits.

She said she was afraid of loosing his friendship.

I didn't want to imply that I was telling her what to do but I did tell her if he is causing her to fall before God than... and she nodded.

She said one very interesting thing to me. She said, the whole point of her life was to find Mr. Right and start a family. That her whole purpose in life is to be a mother.

I would like to make that happen. Yikes- I can't believe I'm saying this! But I can't make that decision for her.

We went from Outback to the coffee shop to my car where we sat and talked till 1AM. Then we went our seperate ways. She sent me a text message a little later on that said to have fun playing with my new gadget. (I just ordered a cool PDA that arrived yesterday.) I replied inspector gadget :)

I went to bed.

Then I had a dream.

I don't know if this was just my brain going nuts, or if God was telling me something, or what.

I dreamt that immediately after our conversation she decided to end it with her ex once and for all. And for a spell she avoided him. But he kept bugging her and bugging her. Then she started spending time with him, explaining why she was ending everything. It was foggy, but I remember him being really persistent and she was with him longer than I would have liked her to be.

That's it. I don't know how it ends.

Maybe I'll tell her about the dream. Maybe I wont. I don't want her to think I'm... implying what she should do.

Where in the world is Nick Nicodemus?

2004-10-24T16:51:00.000-07:00

I have lost almost all the motivation I once had to blog.

A friend says I'll get over it. To go on hiatus. Bloggers are notorious for going on hiatus.

Honestly, I think my feelings are bruised over the discussion... er... arguments of last week.

Pray for me that I get over this.

Idolized Label

2004-10-22T19:09:00.000-07:00

Paul says...

1 Corinthians 8:4 With regard then to eating food sacrificed to idols, we know that "an idol in this world is nothing," and that "there is no God but one." If after all there are so-called gods, whether in heaven or on earth (as there are many gods and many lords), yet for us there is one God, the Father, from whom are all things and for whom we live, and one Lord, Jesus Christ, through whom are all things and through whom we live.

8:7 But this knowledge is not shared by all. And some, by being accustomed to idols in former times, eat this food as an idol sacrifice, and their conscience, because it is weak, is defiled. Now food will not bring us close to God. We are no worse if we do not eat and no better if we do. But be careful that this liberty of yours does not become a hindrance to the weak. For if someone weak sees you who possess knowledge dining in an idol's temple, will not his conscience be "strengthened" to eat food offered to idols? So by your knowledge the weak brother or sister, for whom Christ died, is destroyed. If you sin against your brothers or sisters in this way and wound their weak conscience, you sin against Christ. For this reason, if food causes my brother or sister to sin, I will never eat meat again, so that I may not cause one of them to sin.

Sorry to throw a bunch of Scripture at you but I want you to know where I'm coming from.

I've said that I feel misunderstood and invalidated because some Christian readers really don't seem to like or understand why I refer to myself as gay. My position has been that by referring to myself as gay only says that I am sexually attracted to men... not that I'm a practicing homosexual.

I have defended this position tooth and nail... with "zeal".

And I feel strongly that the term gay, as any dictionary will tell you, simply describes someone's sexual orientation.

But for some people, the term gay means something else. And when I say some people, I'm not talking about the Christian readers I've been arguing with lately.

It has come to my attention that a few readers who experience same sex attractions have misinterpreted my position to mean that it may indeed be God's plan they indulge in same sex relations.

I have fought strongly to communicate that there is nothing wrong with being gay. I have fought just as strongly to say that just because someone is gay does not mean they are having gay sex. It's the behavior thats the problem not the orientation. But people aren't hearing that. Straight people or gay people.

After I realized the very people I'm fighting for are misunderstanding what I'm saying... well... the above scripture came to mind.

Here's how I think it applies.

The term gay, straight, or bisexual means very little. I have a King who defines my behavior... not that term. But not everyone feels the same way. Some can't refer to themselves as gay because of what it means to themselves and others. A term says nothing about how close or far away a person is from God. I am no more or less a Christian if I call myself gay or straight. But I must be careful that this does not become a hindrance to the weak. If someone weak in the faith hears me refer to myself as being gay what will that do to their conscience? So by my knowledge a weak brother or sister, for who Christ died is destroyed. If I sin against my brother or sister in this way and wound their weak conscience, I sin against Christ. If by saying I'm gay causes someone else to sin, than I will never refer to myself as gay again.

I will not admit to being straight. But hence forth, for the sake of others, I will not refer to myself as being gay either.

Dear God,

2004-10-20T17:01:00.000-07:00

I need Your help here. I feel so strongly about this. I feel like nobody gets it. Maybe I'm the one who doesn't get it. I don't know. I do know this is a mess.

I don't want to be gay. I'm hoping one day You can heal me. That You can take the attractions away.

But right now, they are still here and an ever present annoying part of my life.

I don't see a problem with referring to myself as being gay. It seems to make other people uncomfortable though. To me it just identifies an orientation. But I think other people associate it with a behavior that I don't partake in any more. I see a difference. But it seems like other people don't. And to me, because other people can't see a difference, it comes out in these insinuations... that I think are inappropriate.

Maybe I'm just over analyzing.

But maybe other gay people who are interested in knowing You feel the same way. But I'm guessing instead of pressing on in You, when they hear these insinuations, they may interpret that as a personal hostile attitude towards them.

Lord, why am I here? I've got a bunch of people thinking they have offended me. To some extent I feel offended. But really, I'm just trying to get people to understand that for the most part, gay people feel they have no place in Church. I think it's going to take a radical change in thinking on the part of the Church to change that.

But I'm at a loss. I guess I'm wrong. Maybe where I've erred is how I react in anger. I just don't know.

Please heal this situation.

In Jesus name I pray.

Amen.

Promiscuous Disease Infested Whore

2004-10-19T05:20:00.000-07:00

When I was about twelve years old, my mother and two brothers and myself were watching Geraldo Rrivera. I was especially interested because the topic of the show had something to do with homosexuality.

At that point in my life, nobody had pulled me aside and said, "You're gay" or, "You're straight" but I knew somehow I was different.

During the show my brother asked my mom, "Why is that guy a lesbian?"

My mom's response was, "That guy is not a lesbian. Guy's can't be lesbians."

When I heard that, the blood immediately rushed out of my heart. I'm serious... a physical response happened inside of me.

I did not know the term, or label, "lesbian" only applied to women. I thought my mom was saying it was physically impossible for a guy to be attracted to another guy. That only women experienced that kind of thing.

For a split second I wasn't what I suspected I was.

My mom quickly added, "Only women can be lesbians... men are homosexual."

That was when I realized it was true. Call it a label, call it an identity, call it whatever you like. I came to the realization, I'm gay.

If it makes you feel uncomfortable to hear me say, "I'm gay"... let me be the first to say, WELCOME TO MY WORLD! There is not one soul on this earth more unhappy about it than me.

I'm gay. I didn't choose that label. It chose me. You didn't choose to be straight... it choose you.

Hey let's just do away with labels entirely and identify ourselves as children of God. Fine, but being a child of God says nothing about your sexual orientation. Besides that, go to the pulpit on any given Sunday and ask all the straight Church members to raise their hand. Take a look around. Everyone will have their hand raised and probably be offended that you would make such a disturbing request. They don't have a problem labeling themselves. Why should I?

It's a double standard.

It's not offensive to be straight. But it is offensive to be gay.

Show me one scripture that says being gay is wrong in the eyes of God.

Just one.

You can't. Because there isn't one. The Bible says homosexual behavior is wrong. It says nothing about having that orientation.

Why is it so hard for people to accept me identifying myself as gay? Does that mean I don't love God? Does that mean I rape children and participate in orgies?

Because I'm gay... does that make me a practicing homosexual?

I WILL GO TO MY GRAVE SCREAMING TO YOU THAT IT DOES NOT!

I need to be accepted as I am. Let me worry about my behavior. I've got a relationship with God... He communicates with me. I've got the Holy Spirit... he tells me when I'm doing something wrong. Get off my back about being gay.

I didn't choose to be gay and I'm not happy about it and yes, I am defensive about this issue.

And as far as I'm concerned, the one who stumbles because of this "label" is not me. It's the person who can't understand why I want to associate myself with "those people".

Those people are just like me. Those people have found little to no acceptance in the Church. Those people can't come just as they are. Nope. Everyone else can come just as they are. But not gay people. Not those people. I guess they have to first lie about their sexual orientation before they can get to and learn about God.

If ever there were a word that so clearly defined sin... gay would be it... right? WRONG!

A dictionary says if I'm a man and I'm attracted sexually to another man than I'm gay.

That is the truth.

But society (and many in the Church) say if I'm a man and I'm attracted to another man than I'm gay and an unrepentant promiscuous sodimite.

But that's not the truth and it's that idea that straight people throw around like candy that pisses me off. It's such a horrible thing to be gay because of all the really really bad things gay people do.

Well I'm gay. My sexual orientation is towards other men. I'm sexually attracted to my same gender. How can I say it so it doesn't offend you?

If me being gay conjures bad thoughts in your head towards me than you don't really know me or what I'm about. And I will further place part of the blame on your shoulders for the huge division between gay people and the Church. Because your bad thoughts are evidence of judgment on someone who is simply being honest about their sexual orientation.

When you tell me you're straight I don't automatically assume you are a promiscuous disease infested whore.

Extend me the same courtesy.

I wish I were straight. But I'm not. I am a child of God... be it a gay child of God.

Did that make you shudder? That I said I'm a gay child of God? If it did than I'm talking to you.

Love me, like you would love yourself. Extend to me the same courtesy you expect others to extend to you. If you don't want me to hit you over the head with, "Why do you label yourself as straight... straight people are whores... straight people have abortions... straight people do this and that." Than don't do it to me.

This is not a phase in my walk with God. This is not defensiveness spurred by layers and layers of hurt. This is NOT an identity I cling to like a monkey to it's mother. This is who I am. And I stand by it. I don't expect you to understand. But I do expect you to make room for me when I come to Church.

You may not like the sound of it, but there is a place for gay people in the Church.

>(

2004-10-18T18:15:00.000-07:00

Love.

Right now I feel like I'm one of those Christians who doesn't have any in his heart.

I was driving and was cut off several times today. I responded both times by screaming obscenities.

"Sheesh" I say to myself, "Why am I so pissed?"

The truth is, I've gotten so worked up writing about all this stuff, that I've been walking around with this unconscious cloud of anger looming over me everywhere I go.

Pam left an awesome comment the other day.

As you and I continue to draw in to Him, and allow our voice to become His voice, we will learn how to respond to BOTH sides with compassion and speak truth above all. I'm not saying anger is necessarily a bad thing. I mean, I've been pretty mad at "church" people in the past too but I've yet to storm in and turn over a bunch of tables!

What an awesome point.!

I've made a lot of points in the last few posts. Many of you have voiced your appreciation for some of them. And thats good. I'm glad.

But it does me no good to carry around all this frustration and anger... which I didn't even realize was there till this crap started coming up.

Christ flipped a bunch of tables but still had love in His heart.

Where's the love in my heart? I feel like it's been drained from me.

I feel so strongly that the Church must change their attitude towards gay people... and when I say the Church... I mean YOU. I mean EVERYONE. But how do I communicate a message of love, tolerance, and acceptance when I feel like I don't have any love in my heart?

But let me just add this. Some things are worth getting upset over.

Love in Action

2004-10-17T13:30:00.000-07:00

I don't profess that God's will was ultimately not done. I do, however, feel the manner in which I was told was heartless, cruel, and inline with the behavior I've come to expect from many in the Church regarding my sexuality. That's not to say I haven't found acceptance and love... but rather, either acceptance, compassion, and love or rejection, hate, and intolerance.

At the time I lived with two strong Christian men. Both very active in their faith and their Church. While the relationship I had with both of them was fruitful, I knew they both were somewhat at a loss with me and my sporadic behavior. Brad was going to seminary studying counseling. Russ went to school at the same university I did. I was closer with Russ because we just had more in common. He was a comp sci major and so was I for a spell.

I was a little jealous of them. They were always dealing with some kind of relationship drama. Liking this girl... breaking up with that girl... struggling with the usual purity issues. They could discuss this stuff openly for the most part. I was more reserved... but still honest about who I shouldn't be hanging out with. It was fine line. They knew I was out playing... but we all knew it was sin. Sometimes I would talk about it. Sometimes I wouldn't.

Brad was an interesting fellow. I know I was his ultimate challenge. I think he even mentioned that to me and how surprised he was when he realized I had something to offer as well.

We were all good for each other. We often prayed together, went to Church together, and fellowshipped.

Brad started bugging me to go to this conference with him. It was called Love One Out or something like that. I don't think I wanted to go but he started bugging me months ahead of time leaving me little excuse to say no. Maybe it wasn't such a big deal... I don't remember putting up much of a fight.

At the time I was heavily into drugs. Specifically K also known as Ketamine. Well to be honest I was into anything I could get my hands on. Coke, pot (lots and lots of pot... all day every day... morning, noon, and night), crystal, X, acid, G, xanax, percosets, oxycontin... if it got you high... I would consume it.

The only things I stayed away from were heroin and crack... the stuff of junkies.

For the most part I smoked pot during the week and saved everything else for the weekend at the bar and afterhour parties. I'm not exactly sure how but I managed to maintain a job, college, and the healthy social life until graduation without killing myself... but somehow I did. God must have known something I didn't because by all rights I should have died. I deserved to die.

Anyhow, I had agreed to go with Brad to this conference. It was on a Saturday, I believe. That left me with Friday (a pay day Friday I might add) that I could go to the bar. Why not?

So I went and got my hands on two vials of K... one of which I consumed immediately... the other... well... why not take that with me to the conference? And that's what I did.

Thinking back on it now, I'm embarrassed. It's no wonder this was the beginning of one of the biggest emotional rejections I've ever gone through. It started out all wrong.

The conference for the most part was a blur. I remember there being five or six different sessions where you could choose different topics to go to. I remember seeing two well dressed very gay looking spies sent by the other side to see what was being said. (They stuck out like a turd in a punch bowl so it was hard to miss them.) I remember the heart felt testimonies. I remember thinking... all this love, understanding, and compassion. This may be something I want for my own life.

Then John Paulik's wife (I think) gave her testimony. This woman was moving. I don't remember what exactly she said, but it was something to the effect of she was experience God's healing power and freedom from homosexuality and it couldn't have happened without help from Love in Action... a Christ centered home for people who wanted to come out of homosexuality.

It wasn't like I had this immediate revelation... but I started toying around with the idea. Maybe what I needed was to completely change my surroundings and immerse myself in Christians who are trained to help others walk out of homosexuality. Hmmm.

The conference definitely made an impression on me. There was something there that I wanted.

A few days later, I called Love in Action.

And so begins a series of events that to this day I whince at.

JD answered the phone. I told him briefly my story and that I may be interested in the residential program. He took my information, said he'd mail me stuff, and set up a time we could meet weekly over the phone to begin phone counseling.

Over the next few weeks I began to see the benefits of an accountability partner. I dramatically reduced my consumption of pharmaceuticals. I began to weigh the pro's and con's of sexual activity knowing I'd have to fess up to it later. I felt like things were starting to look up. Further, people started volunteering support money to fund my treatment. I felt like God was telling me, "Yes, this is My will, and I will provide." All signs, as far as I was concerned, pointed to yes.

JD and I both felt that honesty was required for a sincere recovery and so I was brutally honest. Honest about the sexual abuse, done to me and initiated by me, as a young child. This was stuff nobody knew about me. I showed him the parts of me I am most ashamed of... in the hopes that it would lead to recovery. I opened up and let myself become completely vulnerable to this ministry. I should not have done that.

God save the science of Psychology!

Next came test time. I had to take a whole slew of psychological tests (MMPI and such). Just a formality, of course. Just to see what kind of personality traits I have.

The questions were, in my opinion, ridiculous. If I were a flower, I would be a daisy... true or false?

But what ever. I had to send a picture of myself which I did. I had to agree that I would not go to the local college campus when at Love in Action... that I couldn't bring my weights... and that my dear friend's wedding the following year was probably out of the picture.

Fine fine fine. I'll do it. This is God's will... I want to over come this... I'll do what ever you ask.

I gave my notice at work and I didn't hold back. I'm gay and I don't feel it's God's will for my life and this is the place that will help me out.

I told everyone. Friends... family... aquaintances... anyone who would listen. I was excited. God was working in my life and I'm finally going to get over this.

Does anyone see the disaster that lies ahead?

Never in this whole process was it even a consideration that I would not be accepted into the program. That just simply wasn't possible. The phone counseling was making a positive difference, the money was coming in, this was God's will. Or so I thought.

A psychologist was assigned to my case. He analyzed all the tests that I completed and mailed back to Love in Action. At some point it was determined that I was not the kind of candidate they were looking for... or that they could help. But instead of calling me and telling me that in person... I didn't hear anything from them. I e-mailed JD repeatedly until he finally e-mailed me back saying they could not help me.

I'll never forget that moment in my life.

Naturally I was crushed. It was a Friday afternoon when they sent the e-mail... so when I called in tears to discuss the matter there was no one to speak to.

I remember speaking to the secretary, sobbing, telling her how disappointed I was with this ministry. She said to me, "I'm very sorry you feel that way." and that was the only empathy I got from that ministry.

I was referred to the psychologist's office. No one from Love in Action was to speak to me... I could only speak with the psychologist. Someone I never spoke to before... someone I never discussed my issues with... someone so removed from the situation that it made me sick. The only thing that man did for me was grade my tests and determined I was... nuts... insane... unlovable... unhelpable.

I wanted to talk with JD but he wouldn't talk to me. I wanted to talk with anyone from Love in Action but they didn't want to talk to me.

I wanted my file... where all my personal information was... they wouldn't give it back.

My only option was to talk to this psychologist.

Okay fine. I'll talk to him. I e-mailed him. No response.

I emailed him again. No response.

A third time... then he responded he'd get back with me in a few days.

I waited three days and e-mailed him again.

This matter was of extreme importance to me. But not to them. My life was on the line. But they didn't care. I exposed myself to them. Big deal. They can't help me for what ever reason and now I'm a nuisance that they'd just prefer I'd vanish. So they pawned me off on the shrink... who was just as interested.

Finally the shrink responded. He was mad that I couldn't wait a few days. I waited three days. That's a few to me. He told me, and I'll never ever forget this, the world didn't revolve around me. He told me I didn't do everything asked of me during phone counseling. He told me,"Because you couldn't abstain from seeing your gay friends and smoking pot than it clearly was an indication you're not serious about this." He told me my psychological profile clearly shows I'm not the kind of person they can help. Blah blah blah.

I was struggling with homosexuality and drug use. I stopped all the hard stuff and reduced the amount of pot I smoked considerably... but honestly... I didn't quit 100%. If I could fix all my problems by myself... I wouldn't need Love in Action. But that didnt' matter.

You think rejection by someone you're attracted to hurts? Try getting told the world doesn't revolve around you by the Church... oh excuse me... the Church's psychologist.

Oh how I wanted to die. I cried out to God to take me. Let me get hit by a car... some kind of accident... something. Take me away. How can I face everyone now? What am I going to say? Where am I going to go?

You want to know something funny? Love in Action, though they saw fit to severe all ties with me, still sent letters in the mail asking for money. Every single month. It was six months before I could bring myself to ask them to stop.

Do I think their ministry is sincere? I guess. Am I angry? Still... yes I am. Do I see God's purpose in this? No I don't. Do I think the hurt will every subside? Not completely.

I wonder how many other people they've rejected. I wonder how they went about letting those people know. I wonder if those people turned away from God entirely or if they are still struggling. I have never in my life felt so rejected or so violated.

So, what do I think about the ex-gay movement?

That's a good question. I can't really answer. I know God has a plan for gay people... just as he does everyone else. And I think there are a lot of sincere Christians reaching out to gay people. It just so happened that the sincere Christians that reached out to me... ripped my heart out in the process... and then threw it back when the psychologist told them it wasn't right.

The answer for me, it turned out, was not in a residential program. It wasn't in a group therapy environment. It wasn't a counselor or a pastor. It was so simple and had been right in front of me the whole time.

It's the Gospel.

It's that Christ died for my sins. All of them. The ones I committed, the ones I commit, and the ones I've yet to commit.

Some people may say that I use that as a license to sin because at the time I had to cut myself some slack if I was going to live with myself. The drugs, the sex, and porn did not ever come to a screaching halt. It came to a slow halt... that was brought about by the kindness, the love, and forgiveness of my King.

I'm living proof that God does not need the ex-gay ministry to bring someone out of homosexuality.

And never in my life has the burden been so strong on my heart to reach out to other gay people. I want to tell them that the Church, by in large, has done a poor job displaying the love of Christ when it comes to homosexuality. And that there is hope.

For the first time in my life... I'm happy to be alive. I love living. I am excited with each new day. That's not to say I don't get angry or have bad days. Lord knows I do. But being gay is not the death sentence I thought it was.

Maybe someday I can figure out how to channel all this into an effective ministry... but right now it's just something I'm praying about.

So there you go. Love in Action.

I'm hurting

2004-10-16T06:28:00.000-07:00

I've got a real problem and it's causing me great anguish and strife. To be honest... I just want to withdrawal... but I know that's not the answer.

For a while now, people have been posting about certain ministries geared towards the Ex-gay movement. "Find a counselor" or "Go to one of these groups". I usually comment back, "One of these day's I'll tell you why I'm not a big fan of the organized Ex-gay movement" and I've yet to do that. Mainly because three years after I did contact an Ex-gay movement the wounds that came as a result are still very raw. I promise one day soon to write about it.

But I say this because I have a burden that weighs heavy on my heart for gay people. The Church hates them. They blamed "the gays" for AIDS. The Church insists on reminding them every chance they get that God hates them... disapproves of them... is condemning them to hell... unless the gay hops the fence and does exactly what a "good Christian" should do... just like them.

"I'm not racist! My best friend is black." We've all heard that before. It's my belief that everyone is to some extent racist... that is, they hold some kind of prejudice towards some race... even if they don't realize it. The trick is to identify it. Just cause you don't think it's there doesn't change the fact that it is.

The same concept is so very true with the Church and homosexuals. "I've got tons of gay friends." Sure you do. But that doesn't mean anything to me. I want to know how you love homosexuals when it comes to God? Why is it so hard to treat gay people like they are normal?

How many Christians have premarital sex? Even accidentally... for what ever reason. It's okay though. Yea, it's wrong... I know. I'll just pray and ask God to forgive me and never ever ever do it again... and then it's back to the grind.

It should be the same way for people who are gay.

But it's not.

For the Church being gay is a condition of something sinister... something rebellious... something deep and dark that is comparable to pedophilia or beastiality. A condition indicative of cancer.

I'm angry. Maybe I'm over reacting... but I think it's appropriate.

The Church has turned it's back on me more than once. I have been judged and held to a higher standard than others in the Church... even by the very ministries designed to minister to "the gay". I have listened to the rhetoric painting the gay community as an evil sinister group who recruits small children because they are unable to reproduce.

When I hear someone flippantly use any term to describe someone who is gay (be it homosexual, fag, lesbo) in a manor which is condescending... the hair goes up on the back of my neck and I get wriled up.

To the person saying the comment... it's no big deal. They are just communicating for what ever reason... out of frustration or anger... and don't really mean anything negative.

But they themselves are not gay and have no idea - NONE - what a gay person must endure and put up with... especially if they choose to love the Lord.

I have a burden on my heart... for the homosexual who has been rejected by the Church. I have a message, that God loves them. He loves them more than they comprehend. And there is true Freedom in His Son... a Freedom that is truly Free. A Freedom that is hard to explain. My message is that God wants to know these people... truly know them... and he wants them to approach Him just as they are.

My message is, I don't care about your homosexuality. I don't care if you are in a long term relationship and have no intentions of breaking it off. I don't care if you don't want to change. All I care about is you coming to know Jesus Christ as your personal Lord and Savior.

Jesus says...

John 6:44 No one can come to me unless the Father who sent me draws him, and I will raise him up at the last day.

People, God is not idle in this whole process. He is active. Remember when you accepted Christ and how you really had no idea the change that was to take place in you? How do you think you would have felt if someone said to you, "Okay, now when you accept Christ, you're gonna need to change this and this and this... oh and you going there has got to come to a stop... and your gonna need to drop this friend and that friend."???

It would not fly.

My point in all this is gay people are held to a different standard in the Church. Straight Church people don't even realize it and that is a big part of the problem.

If you want to help someone who is gay start by looking at your own walk with God. Because I've seen over and over the people with the biggest problems with homosexuals live in beautiful glass houses.

If you can't live by your own morals... shut up about the morals you think someone else should have.

Moving along...

Accept them... as they are. And if you can't do that... pray and ask God that you can. Ask Him to remind you how inadequate you are and how much sin you still have in your life and how powerless to sin you are.

Having said all this, I feel like the angry black man. I'm not black... but I do feel misunderstood and invalidated.

If this wasn't a very real problem, tell me why things are they way they are?

Asexuality: It's not just for amoebae anymore!

2004-10-15T06:22:00.000-07:00

An article in NewScientist.com discusses a new sexual orientation that's absolutely fascinating.

I hate to keep throwing articles your way but this is really interesting. All this new research is shedding light into human sexuality and desire... and I'm just eating it up.

I wonder if one day they will come up with a pill that can change a persons sexual orientation. I don't think it's such a far fetched idea. I'd be the first in line at Walgreens. But I wouldn't want to exchange a lust problem with men... for a lust problem with women. Nor would I want to be asexual.

I'm so tired of the bum wrap gay people get from the straight "normal" Church. I hope that one day through science people will understand that homosexuality is just as much a physical problem as it is an emotional one. Some people don't even see it as a problem. But because the normal straight people in the Church find it repulsive and there are a few scriptures that speak negatively about it... than that promotes them to God and all the sudden it's okay to judge the abominate sinners to hell.

Romans 14:1 reads...

Now receive the one who is weak in the faith, and do not have disputes over deferring opinion's. One person believes in eating everything, but the weak person eats only vegetables, The one who eats everything must not despise the one who does not, and the one who abstains must not judge the one who eats everything, for God has accepted him. Who are you to pass judgment on another's servant? Before his own master he stands or falls. And he will stand, for the lord is able to make him stand. One person regards one day holier than other days, and another regards them all alike. Each must be fully convinced in his own mind. The one who observes the day does it for the Lord. The one who eats, eats for the Lord because he gives thanks to God, and the one who abstains from eating abstains for the Lord and gives thanks to God. For none of us lives for himself and none dies for himself. If we live, we live for the Lord; if we die, we die for the Lord. Therefore, whether we live or die, we are the Lord's. For this reason Christ died and returned to life so that he may be the Lord of both the dead and the living. But you who eat vegetables only - why do you judge your brother or sister? And you who eat everything - why do you despise your brother or sister?

This is the kicker...

14:9 For we will all stand before the judgment seat of God. For it is written, "As I live, says the Lord, every knee will bow to me, and every tongue will give praise to God" Therefore, each of us will give an account of himself to God.

Church my message to you is this. Stop condemning gay people to hell. Start loving them. Don't try to change them. Love them as you would anyone else. If you have a burden on your heart... Pray for them silently... as you would one who is without Christ. Focus only on their personal relationship with Christ. Don't even approach the issue of their orientation. It's absolutely NONE of your business.

Everyone must give an account of himself to God. If they confess that Jesus is the Christ and accept him as the Son of God than forget about what they are doing and concentrate on what you are doing. What kind of Christian example are you leading?

Let God do what God does... change men's hearts.

The above scripture talks about diet, but on a more fundamental level, it's talking about behavior.

Why must the Church be divided on this issue when the scripture tells us not to be?

>315

2004-10-14T16:31:00.000-07:00

I woke up this morning... read my Bible... went to work out... and was just on cloud nine. I was singing praise music in the car... gettin the chills... feeling the presence of God... just happy to be alive.

I really felt high... like nothing could knock me down.

Then, at work, I had to go to a seminar... and I saw this guy. This really hot guy. He was checkin me out too... in the not-so-obvious way guys do when they are among professionals. My gaydar was totally going off.

I tried not to let it distract me... but it was totally distracting. I couldn't help but notice all these things about him that I liked. His hair, his watch, his shape, his look.

Then it dawned on me. What is this? This will materialize into nothing... why can't I just not look. How frickin' frustrating.

I left.

I left feeling defeated. I left wondering why me. Why do I have to feel this magnetic pull to this guy... I don't want this. Something inside me really wanted to be intimately close with this guy... like be naked with him. I hate to even write the words... but it's honestly how I felt.

I thought about Cathy. I thought about the wonderful night I had last night. I wondered if it's really fair to her that I have to fight these feelings. I know she has no clue.

It usually doesn't hit me this strong. It hit me so hard I wanted to sneak home to masturbate. (I didn't.) I mean it hit me like a ton of bricks. The worst part was I knew he was checking me out and that attention felt so good... and we didn't even speak to each other.

I don't know.

I left. I felt so bad. I immediately prayed and asked God to forgive me. The ride back to the office was like a daze. I thought about the whole situation. Why do I have to go through this? I want to go through this with Cathy. I want to have these feelings and have God bless them.

This is a source of deep sadness for me.

That happened around lunch time. It's evening time now and I feel like I'm back to normal.

But that 3o minutes threw me into a tail spin. Here I am... praising God... feeling the overcoming power of God in my life... and wham. Kind of like one of those cholesterol commercials... just out of the blue I'm flat on the floor.

Now Or Later

2004-10-13T19:12:00.000-07:00

Something big is happening in my life.

At 9:45ish this morning I called Cathy. I got her voice mail. I said, "Hey, I was calling to see if you wanna have dinner tonight... some place nice like a steak house or fondue. Call me if you're game. If not and I don't get to see you before you go out of town... than be safe. Take care. Later."

All day I convinced myself that I must have said something the other night at Wendy's to scare her off because she hadn't called me back. I was really starting to get down. Then I just thought, ya know... if God wants this to happen... it will happen. Now or later. But I still felt a little down.

But at 5pm when she called and WANTED TO DO DINNER!!!??? Wow.

Here's some shocking information. She's not 22. She's 20. But since she seems to be okay with it... and her parents seem to be okay with it... I guess I should be okay with it too. She could tell I was shocked when I found out.

But the big event for the night was the conversation we had on the way home.

I told her, "I gotta tell you something... and I don't want you to think I'm weird... even though I know I'm weird... but here goes. You've given me hugs at Church... and the other day at Wendy's you gave me a hug and it was really nice. But when I said good bye I could tell I should pat your shoulder our give you a hug or something... but I did nothing... and today when I picked you up... I just felt awkward. And the thing is... I'm terrified that I'm crossing your boundaries... and that is the last thing in the world I want to do right now... so I just want to get that out there because I really feel weird."

Okay that was it in a nut shell what I said. She was smiling... and I was kind of smiling too. She told me that I wasn't even close to crossing her boundaries... that she is a huggy kind of person... yada yada yada.

The point is, she made that a natural conversation... it was easy. I told her my concern and she set me at ease and made it kind of fun.

When I dropped her off at her house she thanked me for dinner and I said, okay but I'm gonna give you a hug... so we got out of the car and hugged... and it was kind of funny and also kind of nice. I like embracing her. I can't really explain what it is I'm feeling because this is all very new to me.

She told me she might get back into town Sunday night... (kind of like to say maybe we can do something then???) and I told her to call me... or I'd call her.

Something big is happening in my life.

Survival of genetic homosexual traits explained

2004-10-13T04:13:00.000-07:00

Check this article out at NewScientist.com.

Not really conclusive either way... but I've always wondered why people are so adamant that homosexuality is not genetic?

Alcoholism is genetic. Does that mean we aught to celebrate it?

I think homosexuality is, in many cases, genetic. Big deal. Everything I read in the Bible says I'm born dead spiritually. That mankind is broken, fallen, and in need of repair... ever since that fateful incident with the apple in Eden.

This simple fact leaves the possibility that people are born with genetic tendencies for homosexuality or lesbianism wide open... and in my opinion probably.

My mom is gay. I'm gay. I can think of many examples where homosexuality "runs in the family".

Genetically I'm flawed, according the Bible. I've got a body that decays. My hope and faith is in a body that wont decay... that won't be subject to disease... that won't be gay. To be reunited with my King and His Father and His Holy Spirit... in a big big house... with lots and lots of food... (I got jokes).

How bout this. My flesh is gay (be it genetically or otherwise)... but not my spirit?

What do you think?

I'm A Loser

2004-10-12T16:43:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I can really drop the ball.

Sometimes I can be so oblivious to God's plan, and it will hit me like a ton of bricks what he's up to. And often times it's so far from my plan, or what I think God's plan is, that I'm just dumb founded and left in awe.

That's exactly how I feel right now.

I was reprimanded at work recently and got stuck doing extra duty. In my humble opinion, I think this situation was completely out of my control and the whole thing is ridiculous.

To say I'm unhappy about the extra duty is an understatement.

Anyhow, today I did extra duty with this guy and naturally we started talking.

This guy was, in my humble evaluation, the farthest thing from a Christian. I know he likes to get messed up and has cheated on his wife so naturally I was shocked when he started to tell me that he was distressed by how far he's gotten from God. How he was truly unhappy because he feels trapped and that his situation is just so screwed up.

All the sudden I noticed, me and this guy were alone... there was no one within miles, we had like an hour to go... and he was baring his soul to me... how he missed the Lord... how he was thirsty for the relationship he once enjoyed with my King. I realized God had me here, in this damned extra duty... that was cutting in to my personal time... for a reason. It was God's plan.

This had nothing to do with my struggle. This had nothing to do with me at all. This had everything with this guy's hurting heart.

I invited him to a Worship service I'm going to on Friday's and to Church on Sunday. We talked about God the whole time... he did most of the talking... but this was a conversation with eternal consequences.

I tried to do what God would have had me do.

I listened.

I shared how my relationship with God is the most important part of my life. I told him how reading the Bible in the morning and at night has single handedly transformed my spiritual growth. I explained how for the first time in my life I'm truly happy to be alive and that I was going to start praying for his situation.

He's gonna go to this service on Friday... and probably on Sunday too.

And here I am realizing... how off the mark I've been.

Folks I was really upset about this extra duty thing. And it was right where God wanted me.

Now I'm second guessing everything. I really feel like I've dropped the ball on everything. How could I miss the mark so drastically? It's very humbling. How do I not make this mistake again?

I'm so oblivious to God's plan.

I say I want to concentrate on Christ... that he is my first priority. But those are some cheap words.

I really want to serve God. I want to be used by Him... where ever he wants to use me. All this time I've thought that would probably be with my career... or with helping others struggling with SSA... but here he paired me up with the most unholy guy I can think of... to encourage him and invite him to Church.

Lord, I'm sorry for my arrogance... my laziness... my impatience... and my oh-so-important will. Please forgive me and help me seek your will. Please use me... and when you do... keep me humble. I want to help. You are the most important thing to me but sometimes I need you to remind me of that when I get distracted. In Jesus name I pray... Amen.

My Calling

2004-10-11T18:49:00.000-07:00

I had to get out of the house. As I drove my options were pretty simple. Go hang out with one of my gay friends... which I really didn't want to do... or I could just go for broke and call Cathy.

So, I did it. I called her.

I'm such an idiot. I invited her to ice cream completely forgetting that she's allergic to dairy products. She said he couldn't eat ice cream (it still didn't dawn on me.) so I said, okay... how about fat free yogurt. Then she reminded me about her allergy. Duh... I'm an idiot. I figured since I was batting a thousand I'd suggest the other food she can't stand... sea food. (my little joke).

We agreed on some fries at Wendy's.

She beat me there... and when I saw her she gave me a hug. She also put her hand on my abdomen and then we kind of separated.

I was really afraid of how to greet her. I wish I knew why. I don't want to violate her space. I mean that's my biggest fear. I don't know why. She's hugged me a couple times before... so I know she's okay with a hug... but still I'm afraid.

I had a great time. We talked about a whole bunch of stuff.

I'm afraid I'm falling for her. I'm afraid because I just know when she gets to know me she's not going to like me.

There was a couple things I wish I could have taken back during our conversation.

Oh well.

We left the Wendy's and chatted for like 20 minutes in the parking lot.

It was pretty awkward because I was saying good bye and I knew I needed to give her a hug... or something.

Here's the thing. I want to be close with her. When she touches me it feels good. But for me to give her a hug or to initiate some kind of physical contact... I'm just terrified I'll be crossing her boundaries.

And yet logically I know she wanted me to give her the hug (I think).

Anyhow... she's going out of town this coming weekend so I wont see her at Church. I'm not sure when I should call next.

This is really hard for me.

Unsure

2004-10-11T16:01:00.000-07:00

I wish I knew what to do. I want to call Cathy... but I don't really know what to say. I'd like to ask her to ice cream or something. I'm bored. But I'm worried that she'll say no. She explicitly said to call her... I know she had an anatomy test today... I could call and ask her about that.

I don't know about how the straight world works... but in the gay world there is this thing called the two day rule. You're not supposed to call someone for two days after meeting them. I guess this wouldn't really apply here because Cathy and I already know each other... but I'm afraid of calling her so soon after deciding to just be friends might imply that I'm not serious about just being friends.

I'm usually a very confident person... sometimes too confident. But now I feel so unsure of myself. I really hate this.

I wonder what she is thinking.

The real question is when do I call her?

She's had a full day to chew on what I told her yesterday. I'm sure she's listened to the CD's by now too. I'm really curious what she's thinking.

I could just call her and find out.

Why is this so hard? I'm doing something wrong.

Ding Ding Ding

2004-10-11T11:48:00.000-07:00

This should be interesting.

My mother, whom I've written about extensively, has developed a severe case of blog envy and wants one for herself. As I've mentioned before, we don't always see eye to eye on matters such as God and homosexuality.

I think it's a great opportunity to get her on the record about some stuff;)

It's called A Twisted Sister and I invite you to check it out.

Controversial Creator

2004-10-11T05:58:00.000-07:00

A while ago I shocked my roommate by proclaiming that I thought God was pro-choice.

He vehemently disagreed with me. I explained myself by pointing out that God has given me free will to choose anything I want for myself... that's what free will is all about.

It's not that He's condoning my sin by giving me free will, and I don't think that because (I believe) God is pro-choice that He condones abortion... but it doesn't change the fact that He has preserved the right to choose. Otherwise... it simply wouldn't be there.

I say all this because Miss Fidler has turned me on to this radical article about gay marriage that I suggest you check out.

Sucked In

2004-10-10T16:53:00.001-07:00

Where do I begin? I guess I should start with Church. Service was cool. Worship was awesome. Cathy lead worship and sang a few songs by herself. She has got the voice of an angel... It's hard to concentrate on the Lord when I know she is singing because her voice is so... beautiful.

I gave her the CD's before service.

Anyhow... The message was about the importance of reading the Bible and how it's the unrefutable Word of God.

I was having a hard time concentrating during service. Cathy sat kind of catty corner to me and I just felt like she was staring at me. I really don't know though because I wasn't able to directly look at her.

So service ended and at first Cathy was talking to some older guy for a while. I thought to myself... I must of scared her off with the CD's. But soon she came my way and I purposefully bumped into her. She pushed me back. That set me at ease.

I waited till no one was within ear shot, and I said to her, "I want you to know... you're dad shocked the shit out of me this week."

Okay... I know I probably shouldn't have used that word in Church... but I wanted to communicate to her that a major conversation ensued between me and her father... one that I will carry with me for the rest of my life.

She said she had heard that we had a "talk". I said, "Maybe we can discuss it over lunch?" and she accepted.

Welp... that settled it. She's gonna find out that I'm queer... come hell or high water.

FYI: I'm perfectly aware that it is offensive to others that I refer to myself as being gay or queer or homosexual. In my humble opinion, by definition I'm gay. I struggle with homosexual feelings. I'm attracted to men... and I'm a guy. That makes me gay. I don't understand why a gay guy can't see the need for Christ in his life. Why does gay = a bad evil unrepentant sodimite? For me... it doesn't. To say simply I struggle with same sex attraction is to invalidate who I am.

So I dropped my mom off at home and headed back to Church. I felt like everyone noticed when I walked in and then immediately left with Cathy... but who cares.

We went to Subway and I dropped the A bomb in the car ride. I handled it much the same way I did with her father. The acorn not falling too far from the tree....

I just said it. I kept my eyes on the road and purposefully did not look at her but just let it come out. Cathy, I don't want to tell you this but I struggle with homosexuality. I didn't want to tell you but I need to be honest. No I don't think that lifestyle is God's will for me or my life.

I told her about how all this time I've just been trying to befriend her and how much trouble I've had. She apologized and said she thought she detected anger during Thursday's call... but that she was truly busy. (Uh hu.) Now she has time. I told her about my conversation with her dad... and how it caught me so of guard that I nearly choked.

She laughed.

I told her I wanted to make clear a couple things.

1) I am trying to be friends and nothing more. I don't know how to be anything more.
2) I'm seeking God first.
3) If she wants me to stop asking her to do stuff I'll totally back off. (She made it clear she has time now.)

She said she wanted to make clear a couple of things too.

1) for the past 3 years she has been in long term relationships
2) she just broke up with her boy friend of a year two months ago
3) she is not looking for a heavy relationship right now

"Great! Perfect! Now that we understand each other... let's eat!" And we did.

I began to tell her my story... from the very beginning. And she listened. Folks, for the first time in the history of our friendship we related to each other as friends. This girl is so cool. Her eyes are so blue/green and they just suck me in. Wow.

Now, any other time I'd take her points that she made me understand as negative messages to indicate that this is a lost cause. But I'm a communication expert and her body language and conversation said otherwise. In any event... all I'm looking for is friendship. How in the world can I have a relationship with a woman if it first doesn't start out as friendship?

And even if nothing comes of this... this is a learning experience for me.

I wish I could put into words how amazing this girl is to me.

I'm even telling my gay friends about her.

Anyhow... I brought her back to her car and as she got out of the car I suggested maybe in the near future we can go to a movie. She told me to call her.

I'm gonna pray about it and decide when to call a little later.

Anyhow... so there you go. It's all in the open now. My pastor and his daughter both know about my struggle.

God, it is now in Your hands now.

Blog to watch...

2004-10-10T06:47:00.000-07:00

I just found this blog and I'm so impressed by the raw emotion he honestly writes about. He's young (although I'm not sure how young) but his struggle is real and honest.

Check it out.

It's called Random Musings of The One and Only Jerrett and I blog rolled him.

Over and over in the Bible God calls us to encourage one another. I feel strongly we need to do that... especially with those who have similar struggles.